SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First time here, married almost 23 years. The last 2 years have been an ongoing struggle. My D day came full circle this past 07/03 when I found text thread in What’s App between my “WH” and “OW”. My husband has a way with “words” —exhibit A.. why we got married. But, I have confronted him and actually kept OW contact info and sent her a message.

My husband and I had another follow-up conversation today (calmly) we still live together in a house we bought 18 years ago-he still comes home. My big 50 bday is coming up. My husband is still included in the birthday dinner that my sis & mom have planned. We have a 21 year old son together. BUT, I took a birthday week off and have plans to go to Vegas. (With him). But everyone tells me NOT to take him. We are civil to each other, and this will be the last “get away” we will ever have. He finally owned up to seeking legal counsel to start proceedings to divorce. I am still in love with my husband-he has repeatedly said that he doesn’t have the same “feelings”

as before. I even said to him if you need a complete break (physical) then do that-to have opportunity to really think and not to do anything drastic & impulsive that is a life changing event.

Sounds like he has made up his mind. Don't do the "pick me" dance, it will drive you crazy. Oh and I wouldn't go to Las Vegas with him - why would you want your birthday memories tied to him and the disrespect he has shown you?

I tried like Hell to get my husband to still love me. It's called "the pick me dance" & it's truly awful. Please stop dancing for someone who doesn't deserve it.

No amount of being nice made my now exH care. He was into OW, & after 29 years of marriage I was old news.

Not trying to hurt you, and I wish I could save you from the pain you're inflicting on yourself in keeping hope alive that he'll 'come to his senses' ...it sounds like he probably won't. Believe what he's telling you. It's where he's at now.

I think you should take a really good gal friend to Vegas & try to have some fun. Don't go crazy, but try to legitimately take the time to get away from him & gain perspective.

To me it doesn't sound like your WH would be a good candidate to give you the birthday trip you deserve for your big 5-0.

Sending hugs. This is all really hard.

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BTW- I'm giving this advice from the perspective of someone who did the "pick me dance" for 3 years+ (during IHS) hoping my WH would eventually "understand what he was giving up"; kids, home, loving wife, all for someone he hardly knew.

I still wound up divorced.

In hindsight I wish I had had my own back, & protected myself.

I didn't.

[This message edited by WowItsReallyReal at 10:40 AM, July 10th (Saturday)]

I think the trip away from your husband would do you good. Would your son be interested in going with you?

stop being a doormat and giving him a choice. YOU matter. You, without this cheating husband who no longer feels the same way as you. Its not that you're NOT being nice. Its that you need to move forward.

The D-train is leaving the station and you haven't jumped on the train. Honestly, you need to stop talking/involving him period. ITs over.

Do not have him join you in your big 50 dinner. Start separating your lives. You won't heal if you keep trying to keep him around. And just because he may be around physically, he's already long gone emotionally. You have to let it go.

Why would you do this to yourself?

There's a couple of really good books out there on this very topic. One is called Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. It's got a Christian angle, but it's good. Very good.

The second is Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life by Tracy Schorn. Really good book on the positives on leaving a relationship where you are betrayed, used and devalued.

He wants out? Show him what "out" is. File for divorce and for exclusive use of the marital home. Don't speak to him on any topic but children and finances. He doesn't get to go to your birthday party, and I'd either go to Vegas myself OR book some time at a wonderful spa for deluxe pampering.

As long as you let him have a foot in each camp, he's going to do so. As long as you are doing things for him, he can rationalize that whatever he's done and doing isn't so bad.

Lace up those bitch boots and put on your most fabulous feather boa, because you're going to kick his ass to the curb, where it belongs.

Cat

You have lost your way. What would 18 year old you say? Picture her, looking in to your life. What would she say? Agree to the divorce. Live your life. You have a 21 year old. You have raised your child. It is your turn to live.

Do NOT let your WS see this book, you’ll understand after you read it-it’s to help you look different in your WS eyes, amount other things:

Ithe book Love Must Be Tough! The author says in all his years of Marital Counseling the very worst thing to do is to be “nice” when someone has crossed the line of respect with you in such a horrible way. He says he rarely sees that approach changing anything in the wayward—they already know your nice side that has allowed them to disrespect you…..He says there should be consequences of epic proportions, and those are the actions a wayward spouse possibly understands-especially if you want him to come to his senses.

The book is online and also in print-quick, easy book. By chapter 2 I realized what a great person I am and how to deal with a person in an affair fog. My xh then tried to come back, and I requested he do several things first (counseling, polygraph, timeline, etc), but that was too much work to save his family. I divorced him. The book is amazingly clear.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:44 PM, July 15th (Thursday)]

even said to him if you need a complete break (physical) then do that-to have opportunity to really think and not to do anything drastic & impulsive that is a life changing event.

He has already made up his mind as to what he wants. He already did something 'drastic' when he took on a girlfriend while being married. As much as it hurts to be in love with him, he has shown you how he feels (getting counsel for divorce).

He does NOT need to go to Vegas. Go with your girlfriends and have a blast! Cry a little if needed then have a great time. Someone suggested your son, that could be fun too!

You need to stand up for yourself and stop letting him manipulate you. Do you really want a "last getaway" with someone who doesn't love you? Instead, take that getaway with people who love and value and appreciate your presence.

Based on my experience I personally would take exquisite care of myself and celebrate with people who love, care for and respect me.

Your mileage may vary but I am convinced that my efforts to nice and love my wh to pick me were the equivalent of cozying up to a scorpion. I got badly bitten.

Kick him out of the house, go to vegas by yourself or even better with a friend.

You have a 21 year old so no small kids to worry about.

Make a clean break. Hes gone. Hes with another woman and going to an attorney.

Personally, I would not go with my WS.

Since dday I've done a few trips solo, and he's met me for a day or two. Generally, that's been OK, but no way I could be alone with him on a trip for a full week (and, FWIW, after the last trip I decided I wasn't going to do that again... I'd rather be alone and in a mindset of adventure on my own than with someone incapable of showing me respect & decency).

An entire week with a STBX just doesn't sound appealing to me - for a bunch of reasons. The first probably being that it would mess with MY mind - acting like we are a couple when we aren't, followed (closely) by the idea that he's getting the benefits of YOU w/o putting in any of the work that YOU deserve.

If you can find a sermon by TD Jakes watch it. It’s about this very thing. The sentence that jumped out at me was when he said if someone walks away from you let them go. His sermons are somehow based on common sense. He used to be on Dr Phil but I only stream now so don’t see regular tv anymore.

I'm going to be in the take someone else or just go alone camp.

After I discovered the shit show I found myself in I really wanted to go hiking for a few weeks to help process everything that was going on. My ex wanted to turn it into a she could stay at fancy places and wait for me to get there all in the name of connection. I still wish I would have had the foresight to tell her this was about me and what I needed instead of just not doing it because there was no way I was going on vacation with her. She only got worse as time progressed

If you can find someone to make your birthday trip special take them, but I seriously doubt this is your WS. Make the week about you!