SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There is so much I don’t even know where to start. I BW(43) just found out that my WH(44) has cheated on me again. Not my first rodeo. I’ve been lurking on this site for a while. Even last time it happened but never had the courage to post here. I am not used to asking for help so I deal with it on my own. But I feel like this time it’s just too much. A little background. Married for 17 years, together 21 years ,2 kids (13) and (17). Last Sunday I saw that his location was showing him at a local restaurant not far from our house. It was weird because he always tells me when he goes to lunch. So I called him and he acted weird.I knew he was hiding something. Later that evening we were talking about something when he received a phone call and ignored it. I asked who it was and he said he didn’t know. Then I looked and saw that he had 10 messages and asked for his phone and his hands started to shake. He begged me not to look at them. I did and it was from a woman he used to talk to years ago on Facebook. She was passing through our town and they met for lunch and they kissed. He was apologizing and saying he made a mistake and that it was stupid. I was at first in shock because he usually doesn’t do the in person. It’s always messaging women, asking for pictures, talking dirty. I know that’s bad but to my knowledge it was just that. But little did I know that that was only the snowball that would start an avalanche. I asked to see his Facebook and didn’t find nothing bad about the woman he met up with but found another woman he was talking too. She doesn’t live far from here. They used to work together. Apparently they had something going on then. He says it was only a bj but I don’t believe it. There were pictures and video chats and plans to meet up. Not clear if they did or did not. I asked to see his Snapchat and he looked like he was going to lose it. He wouldn’t let me hold his phone and honestly I don’t use Snapchat so I don’t really know my way around it. So I did not get to see anything. The next day I told him to synch his phone to my iPad so I can see his messages and wow. I found messages that he did not want me to see. They were from two of his coworkers and both clearly state that he is having inappropriate relationships with them. He says nothing happened and it was just inappropriate talking but that’s not the fact. I can read and understand the words. As of right now he is not admitting to anything but I know he is lying. I’m just so confused right now. I don’t know what to feel. I can’t even cry. I think I’m in shock. This is a whole new thing and I don’t know how to deal. This turned out longer than I thought.

Your question pretty much sums it up for most of us.

I think when you realise your life partner has a different agenda to you, probably always did, it is hard to accept.

Good luck on your journey!

Hello LonelyBird. I am glad you found the courage to post, you are definitely in the right place. Now, I need you to find your anger. You DO NOT DESERVE this.

Can you share a little more about your first discovery? How did you find out? What has happened since then and now? It seems like your WH has not learned anything except how to be more deceptive.

Sorry you find yourself here again. I hope you've read the pinned articles at the top of the forum and in the Healing Library.

he made a mistake and that it was stupid

I'll agree it was stupid, but it was far from a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to pick up a gallon of milk at the store. What he has done is made thousands of conscious decisions to betray you, your M and your children. Prognosis for a serial cheater is not good, because they will rarely do the work that it takes to become a safe partner.

As you know, this site is to help you out of infidelity. Whether that's D/R is up to you. Sometimes, it takes time just to process to get to the understanding of where you want to go.

Please, find an IC - one that specializes in betrayal trauma, if you can. He needs IC, too.

Others will be along and post more.

There's nothing you did or didn't do, said or didn't say that would cause him to do this. It's all on your WH because he has something broken inside.

Do you think he’s been a serial cheater (meaning he just cheats and cheats)?

If so, there isn’t much you can do.

He’s not admitting anything 🚩

Is still lying 🚩

Is most likely still cheating 🚩

Best advice - protect yourself. Emotionally and financially. See a D attorney to understand what you can do legally.

So sorry for you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:57 PM, Friday, September 30th]

Glad you found the courage to post here. This place has been a lifesaver for me. And the members here know their stuff.

I agree with earlier poster who suggested you fill in some details about Dday#1. It will help establish some patterns of behavior and thinking. I agree you should get your ducks in a row and start planning for a D even if that's not the route you ultimately take. I am a firm believer in having solutions in place even before there are problems. That way, when the shit hits the fan, I don't need to go looking for a rain slicker.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I’m glad you had the courage to post. Like others have said, this place saved me. You won’t like everything everyone has to say but it’s necessary to process all the information and take what you need and leave the rest.

It would help to understand more about how you handled the first discoveries. No one is here to judge you, you are in a safe place.

Oh he is definitely a serial cheater. The first time I caught him was years ago. He was messaging with an old girlfriend. It was definitely an EA. She lives far away so it was only chatting. That was my reason for rug sweeping. And I’ve done a lot of that in all these years. Always the same excuse that it wasn’t physical. Looking back at it now I feel stupid. There was a lot of flirting and inappropriate messages especially with coworkers. But he always made me feel like I was overreacting. He could never prove that he didn’t do anything and I couldn’t prove that he did. It was always a back and forth until I gave up. Another reason were the kids. I felt like if I left it would be my fault for ruining my family. Without proof nobody would believe me. He is a very likable person. Everyone loves him. Even my parents prefer him over me.He definitely wears many different hats. His reason for talking to other women is that he doesn’t feel understood by me. That he feels like I belittle him and make him feel worthless. This is all new to me. I have no idea what he’s talking about. I know he is just trying to blame me for it. Two nights ago he was telling me how he thinks all of this has to do with the way he grew up and blah blah blah. When I confronted him last night about the two coworkers he got mad. He is still fuming right now. I don’t know what to make of that because he has different reactions.

Anger and defensiveness shows he’s not remorseful, he’s angry that you are messing up his side business. This is manipulation 101, don’t buy it. Please read and implement the 180.

Detach and set him free to do that stuff somewhere else, not on your watch not on your dime. He needs his reality shook up.

He is definitely mad that I messed up his plans. The messages I found were deleted on his phone. He had no idea I had found them. When I asked him questions he was so confident in all his answers and maintaining that he was being honest. When I showed him the messages he got mad. They were very explicit about the things that they were doing. There were pictures. There were messages from the beginning of this year and then recent. He is still saying that it was just talk and nothing happened. Yeah no! Then he was like message them and ask.And I know they will lie. That’s happened before. Why do women protect a cheater?
Now these women are very young. That’s the disturbing part. Like early 20’s. Is this normal now? To mess with a married man and don’t think nothing of it?! I don’t know why I feel so numb. I feel like my whole body is numb.

It might be your H only targets young naive women who are stupid enough to believe the lies a married man tells them.

Maybe he says he’s not married or separated or he’s getting a D. Who knows. But it is irrelevant.

He’s cheating. He has been cheating. And he will continue to cheat. He has no intention of doing anything but lying snd thinking he’s getting away with something.

He is still fuming right now. I don’t know what to make of that because he has different reactions.

But you really do know, right? That anger is just another method of manipulation. If he can shut you down, he doesn't have to deal with reality.

So where do you go from here? What is it that you really want at this point, knowing what you do right now? We can help if you are open to advice that is helpful, but also difficult to hear....if you are not ready to hear it.

He confirmed what I already knew last night. He has been having unprotected intercourse with both women. He is still lying about how long this has been going on but that’s not even important at this point. I just made an appointment to get myself tested tomorrow. I could say I can’t believe he did that but that would be a lie. He was actually mad when I said I was going to get tested. Like seriously dude?! He said he thought I would never find out and then we would move (which we had planned before) and it would be done. Great logic?!
Plus he was still texting with the other 2 women at the same time. Who has time for all of that?
Oh and he said he wants to keep his family because that’s the real thing. He will stop messing around and find a new job. LOL. Yeah I don’t think so.
I chose to be blind for so many years but my eyes are wide open now.
He’s still trying to play the victim and he is still mad.
Right now I don’t even care what he does. I can’t trust him and I’m tired of looking through everything and monitoring what he does. I don’t need another child. If he stops what he is doing just because I monitor what he does that doesn’t solve anything. I haven’t told him what my plans are or what I’m doing. I’m taking care of myself right now and the kids. But we are headed for separation. I just need to get all of my ducks in a row. And I am open for all of the advice. I don’t have a support system or anyone to talk to that would actually understand.

Speak with an attorney or two. That is step 1.

Get your own bank account if necessary. Put the money in your own name and don’t tell him about the account.

Get copies of everything financial related, such as recently filed tax returns, bank statements, investment account info, retirement account info, mortgsge statements etc.

Figure out your exit strategy as in who leaves the house, hlwhen you need to time for alimony and child support etc.

I hope this helps you.

Welcome to your support system and a whole bunch of people that understand. We are at your disposal.

I think the hardest part for me was reconciling who I thought I had married vs. the dumpster-fire-shit-show-cluster-fuck that I had actually married. It took me a looooonnnnnnggggg time to get over that discord in my head and my heart. I can't tell you exactly when it happened, but it was longer than 3 years and less than 10.

But during that time, I was busy rebuilding a life for me and my 2 sons. Failure wasn't ever a viable option, so I did what needed to be done. Like you, I didn't have much of a support system, so I just kept doing the next right and necessary thing. The time it took for me to resolve my discord seemed to pass quickly as my subconscious worked through it.

Fortunately, things worked out for me and my boys. You'll find that it's easier to succeed when you don't have an immature, selfish jackass in the middle of everything wreaking havoc on your emotions. You get to look at what you've built and know that YOU did it, all on your own, and you actually hit a point where you're glad he's gone.

You're playing it smart. Keep that up. And lean on us as you go through this. We're here for you!

Thank you so much for replying. I know none of this is my fault but I still feel so dumb. Like I should have known this. I just never thought that he would hook up with women that young. I mean our daughter will be 18 soon. Oh and they know he is married. I’ve been to his work place before. It seems like that’s what they do for fun. I just can’t wrap my head around it. It makes me sick to my stomach to think I’m married to someone like that. The mind movies are not fun. Plus all the explicit messages I read.
I’m glad I did but sometimes I wish I didn’t.
I am going to the bank on Tuesday to open my own bank account and I already have all the paperwork that is important. The hardest part for me is telling the kids. I know they will be heartbroken. How did your teenage children react?! I know they will be fine eventually. They are very close to me. I am and have always been their primary caretaker.
But I still feel like I’m ruining something for them.

Cheaters go pretty far out of their way to make sure you don't know. That, and your brain just doesn't work like that. It's alien to your nature to abuse another person's trust that way. Don't spend a minute beating yourself up over it. We've all been there, so yeah, we recognize the reflex, but it's not you.. it's him.

The hardest part for me is telling the kids. I know they will be heartbroken. How did your teenage children react?! I know they will be fine eventually. They are very close to me. I am and have always been their primary caretaker.
But I still feel like I’m ruining something for them.

Life is tough sometimes, and in retrospect, adversity taught me a lot. The alternative here is that you go back to the status quo, which is your WH running around behind your back and your kids learning that cheating and lying are an acceptable way to treat a spouse. This calls to mind that old Dr. Philism, "It's better to be from a broken home than to live in one." Your kids are modeling on what they see, right? Whether one eventually chooses R or D, the kids hopefully see us setting boundaries on how we're going to allow someone to treat us, and as adults, that lesson will be what they model their own intimate relationships upon.

You're NOT doing anything to hurt your kids. Far from it. Life is full of teachable moments and this is one of them, albeit a painful one.

((big hugs))

You are not ruining anything for your children.

Your H can still be an involved parent and provide all the love and support they need. He just won’t be living in the sane home 100% of the time.

Divorced kids CAN weather the storm and survive if the priority of the parents is to work together and put the children first.

I hope your STBXH (soon to be ex husband) is up for the challenge.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:50 AM, Sunday, October 2nd]

My ex husband was similar and I never could prove he had physical contact with the women but I believe he did.

He lied about it all even when I had the proof in hand (printed emails, texts, call logs, photos) he still said I was crazy.

Unfortunately he got physically abusive which is when I left him but before I was able too he wiped our bank account clean.

So please try to take half or even all of any savings. I didn't fight for any of it during divorce because I couldn't afford a lawyer and all I wanted was to be free of him.

This is the first time I’m actually allowing myself to feel all of the emotions and not just ignore them and wow what a roller coaster. The good part is I’m actually not hiding from the truth. I can see everything clearly for the first time. It feels both good and bad but I know it’s necessary. I don’t deserve this shit and he doesn’t deserve me. I’ve played his game of life for way too long but now the game is over. He can figure his own shit out not. No more using my brain and my intelligence to make himself sound smart and like he has his shit together. I know he still thinks I’m just going to rug sweep like I have done before and we can just continue this charade. This morning he was cleaning the kitchen and now he took the kids grocery shopping. He’s never done this before. He doesn’t do any chores around the house or goes grocery shopping. He even left my teacup on the table for me , which I didn’t use. He is in for a rude awakening. Is it bad that I find this funny?! Even yesterday he was putting together a cabinet that’s been sitting in a box for months. I almost laughed out loud.
I am actually ready to just move on and do things on my own. We have been together since we were in our early 20’s and most of it has been all about him. I have never done anything just for me. So I’m looking forward to see what I can build and accomplish on my own.
I guess time will tell but for now I am just focusing on my self and the kids.