SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, glad that I found this group to share a bit of my situation. Excuse my english mistakes cause I am not native english.I am married for 19 years, I am 53 and my partner 57. We have a 17 year old daughter. We met via internet long ago and it was a very passionate beggining (we were from different countries). We had a lot in common and a very happy relationship for some time, always our daily life was goood. When my daughter was 2 or 3 years old, he had a man´s crises (lets say it this way) and started to talk to someone via internet but, at that time, we discussed about and fixed our relationship. Recently, 5 years ago, he was fired from his job and it became very difficult to find something like what he had before. So, he was frustrated with his life. I knew it, but he is difficult to express emotions and I, by my side, was aswell having my difficulties getting old (menopause). Regarding our financial situation, we never had any problem, cause I have a very good job and we always had vaccations, traveled a lot. So, the lost of his job had no impact in our financial situation, just on himself, cause he feels himself a looser.. So, I am trying to resume the situation te more I can...We were living together till 2018 ( not married by law) . Then at that time , he insisted in us get married and we did, after so many years. What I have to point is that our marriage was perfect from my point o f view...no fights, very good husband regarding behaviour, good father, good company, help always in the house.. I was happy. For sure, the last years, sex got less, interest decreased from both sides but we never discussed about it, he doesnt talk about emotions, as I said before. Last 12 of october , I was surprised by a message in my facebook. The message (were 2 messages) were sent in May and in September this year. I did not perceive it till October, cause this year I suffered a very serious accident...broke both bones in my leg and was days in hospital, made 2 surgeries and 3 months without walking. He took care of me. The messages were sent from someone not my friend, so I just realise that day in October. They destroyed my perfect world.....a woman telling me that had an affair with him and got pissed, cause he left without further explanations and she saw him again in Ashey Madison (internet platform for married people to cheat) and that he went out with several women there ..I confronted him, he told me it was truth, never denied anything and answered all I asked ( i did not asked too much)...but he is a very closed person, never tells what he is feeling...he hides emotions, cant cry in any circumstance. Now I am thinking what to do and how to proceed. I decided not to do all in a hurry, specially because we will see our daughter in december ( she studies in Europe and we travel to see her). I told him, write me a letter, he did and said he does not want the divorce cause he loves me... and I wrote one to him aswell telling how I felt. I told him, we discuss how it will be our relationship next year cause I dont want to ruin my Xmas. Things are very difficult for me now, some days are good and looks I almost forget and some are painfull. I am thinking 24/7 about this and I have moments of crying ( specially at night) trying to tell him how I feel to release the pain from me....and I am thinking about asking the divorce next year, in any way, when my kid is 18 years old and it will be easier. Even, if after the paper work, he wants to stay living with me and we decide to rebuilt our marriage. I want to be divorced by law...cause I wil feel better, My marriage was a a fake, he married me having an affair...what a crazy behaviour. I feel so ashmed of being so idiot and could not talk to anyone till now, I dont even want to talk to anybody, feel ashmed... There is so much to tell, but this is a short resume.

You're WH is a proven serial cheater and liar, he even has an Ashley Madison account, life's too short and you deserve so much better, so file for D and move on with your life, also don't forget to get tested for STDs/STIs, yes he's also been playing russian roulette with your health.

1) If you're thinking about being betrayed 24 X 7 - and most of us do for some months or years after finding out about the A - what will waiting until Christmas do for you? I'm pretty sure your teen-aged daughter will quickly become aware that something bad is going on when you see her, so being together with your H for Christmas may not give her much comfort.

2) Whatever the 'man's crisis' was, it was his problem to solve. If it was erectile 'dysfunction', it's in him, not in you, and there are good treatments. I had a bout of it when I was 50, before good treatments were available, and I felt awful about myself, but I knew my W was not the problem - sure, she was 50, too, but one week I was fully capable, and the next week I wasn't (I was a road warrior at the time) - that meant the problem was likely to be me, not my W being 50. (I still like her looks now, at 77, even though she looked better 27 years ago. It's not as if I haven't deteriorated in the last 27 years.... )

3) Have you considered counseling for yourself? Writing down your thoughts and feelings helps some, but being able to talk and get feedback immediately can help even more, if you find a good IC.

4) Have you considered what your requirements for R would be?

Trilobite,

Your letter demonstrates that you are evaluating the situation carefully. That's helpful.

It's okay to acknowledge that you weren't perfect and that your relationship wasn't perfect, but be clear that none of that was why your husband chose to betray your relationship multiple times.

He is self-centeredly trying to meet some need within himself. He is justifying his behavior to himself to avoid feeling guilt about it. This really is about him and some fundamental flaws within himself.

Wait if you want, before taking action. Just work to be happy for youself in the meantime. Take care of yourself. Pursue hobbies that fulfill you and bring you joy. Go out with supportive friends.

Consider very carefully his desire to stay living in the same house, but not being married. Would you find more healing, and ultimately more happiness, by just moving on by yourself? Do what serves you best. Don't let him make decisions regarding your future happiness.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 2:52 PM, Sunday, November 13th]

Trilobite -

Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you didn't have to search for this site but glad that you did. While reading your story what piqued my interest is the fact that after many many many years, he insisted on getting married. I don't think he did that because he loves you. I think he did it for security. You also have been supporting him for many years. And a person has to have a warped way of thinking in order to marry someone while in the midst of having an affair. His motive wasn't pure in marrying you.

I know you have been with him for so long that you feel that if you leave him you're throwing away all those years. That's the sunk cost fallacy and I really hope that you don't fall victim to it. It's essentially continuing to make a mistake because you've spent a long time making it. Besides, you're not the one who threw them away, your husband did. He knew what he was risking by cheating, and he made the decision that possibly losing you was worth cheating.

I think asking for a divorce is a good idea. If he is truly remorseful, he would be willing to give you what you need, and perhaps if he really reforms into being a different person you can marry again. As you said, your marriage as you knew it was a facade, it wasn't real, its foundation is on him committing adultery. Part of his motive in asking you to marry him could have been to distract you from what he was up to. He deceived you and took away your agency as it's unlikely you would have married him had you known he was having affairs. Moreover, given it was multiple women, that makes him a serial cheater and serial cheaters rarely ever change. What exactly has he done to show you he has changed?

Please try to take care of yourself. You're probably in a state of shock so you need to drink a lot of water because shock is dehydrating. Exercise or at minimum take walks. You're likely not sleeping well so see a dr for sleep aids if necessary. And you've probably lost your appetite so drink nutritional shakes until your appetite comes back. And very important - you should enroll into individual therapy, infidelity is abuse, and you've undergone a devastating trauma. Specifically individual therapy, not marriage or couple's counseling, the marriage didn't cheat, your husband did, and MC typically focuses on keeping the couple together no matter what. Betrayal trauma therapy is what you need.