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Does anyone else ever try to taunt the AP on social media?

Throughout the A, my husband says she was constantly on my Facebook page. And she would bring up things with him, and get jealous. For example, he'd send her a song he liked and she would get angry saying "oh, that was yours and HER'S song wasn't it?! I saw it on her facebook". Quite creepy really - this is a person who I didn't even know existed.

My husband believes adamantly that she will still be checking my Facebook (even though she blocked me after dday - and then unblocked, and blocked and, unblocked and blocked etc). I mean, I know I check hers, but I have a reason 🙄

So I do often enjoy posting happy photos of us, nights out, family occasions. WH encourages this, as he wants her to know full well we are together, so she is less likely to ever contact him again.

I put a post up a few days ago on my birthday, including a very sweet message my husband sent me, a few gifts, and generally just us having a nice time. During the A, towards the end it was her birthday. He didn't really want to see her, and was just waiting to get her birthday out the way. Apparently her birthday was a huge deal to her 🙄 He says he procrastined and just didn't want to get anything. So before seeing her, he grabbed some flowers and a cardboard birthday hat, and that was it (during our marriage, he's always been incredibly thoughtful with gift giving).

So I asked him to get the same hat for me as a joke, so I could put a pic on Facebook, jokingly saying "I'm glad this isn't all I got". Yes, yes, I know its childish, but I need some fun in my life 😁

A few days later, she's changed her profile settings to public, and suddenly written in her bio "The truth will prevail...". I know I poked the bear so to speak, but I just feel triggered and angry! What is that supposed to mean?! 🤔 I can't help obsessing about its potential meaning! My husband says that he thinks its her feeling burnt by him. It makes me question whether I known everything? But then, unless she has somehow bugged our house, she can't know what he has told me (or hasnt).

Either way, husband says take it as a win. He feels she is clearly obsessing, she clearly still checks, and that means she's suffering in some way too. She is backpacking in another country, supposedly having the time of her life 🙄

Has anyone else dabbled in similar taunting of the AP?

No, because she isn't worth my time or thoughts. I have her blocked on every social media that I'm active on. She and I do work in the same industry and I've had some recognition later including news articles and social media posts and I've been told that that royally pissed her off though.

There's a saying that I love, which definitely applies here:

"If it feels good, don't do it."

My husband believes adamantly that she will still be checking my Facebook (even though she blocked me after dday - and then unblocked, and blocked and, unblocked and blocked etc). I mean, I know I check hers, but I have a reason 🙄

So I do often enjoy posting happy photos of us, nights out, family occasions. WH encourages this, as he wants her to know full well we are together, so she is less likely to ever contact him again.

If your husband is committed to getting this woman out of your lives and maintaining no contact, then he should be adamantly against giving the AP any window at all into your life together... as should you!

So before seeing her, he grabbed some flowers and a cardboard birthday hat, and that was it (during our marriage, he's always been incredibly thoughtful with gift giving).

So I asked him to get the same hat for me as a joke, so I could put a pic on Facebook, jokingly saying "I'm glad this isn't all I got". Yes, yes, I know its childish, but I need some fun in my life

I get your inclination to want to lash out at the AP, but your husband's gleeful participation and encouragement is disturbing. From everything you've written here, he seems to be taking pleasure in the fact that his AP is obsessively checking your FB and pining after him.

And the fact that you're facilitating it and taking jabs at her is just the icing on the cake... you're serving him a feast of kibbles by gloating over winning the pick-me dance.

A few days later, she's changed her profile settings to public, and suddenly written in her bio "The truth will prevail...". I know I poked the bear so to speak, but I just feel triggered and angry! What is that supposed to mean?! 🤔 I can't help obsessing about its potential meaning! My husband says that he thinks its her feeling burnt by him. It makes me question whether I known everything? But then, unless she has somehow bugged our house, she can't know what he has told me (or hasnt).

So instead of putting this woman in your rearview, you're now obsessing over the meaning of her posts and giving her lots of mental space and emotional energy.

All the while, your husband's ego must be expanding so much your roof will explode.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:30 PM, Thursday, February 15th]

Agree with BluerThanBlue

If your husband is committed to getting this woman out of your lives and maintaining no contact, then he should be adamantly against giving the AP any window at all into your life together... as should you!

I would block block block, the AP should be irrelevant now, plus she may even enjoy watching you continue to obsess over her. She knows it is a jab at her just as her posts were jabs at you. I would just block and forget her altogether.

I would prefer my WS had less--actually NO--engagement with the AP, mentally or otherwise. Not even by proxy (you).

I agree with others that irrelevance really should be the goal. For both of you.

We all know that the right thing is to block the AP and do your best to get her out of your head, and that's what all the wise people will tell you to do, but I feel you, Whiskey, I feel you.

It was/is important to me that my H and I present as a team - us against the world. In the first few weeks after we began R, he urged me to come to his workplace and take him to lunch. The AP had tried a couple of times to break NC, so it was essentially a "marking my territory" mission. We walked out of the building holding hands, right past her desk. And boy, was she PISSED.

My H didn't enjoy engaging her, but he did enjoy helping me feel powerful. It was important to me to flex my nuts with grace and reclaim my wife status in H's workplace. I could have beat her ass, and I'm sure she was expecting it, but it's not my style. I'm a master at killing people with kindness...and at being petty AF.

I look at my Facebook every once in a while in the "view as" mode to see what she would see if she creeps on me. Sometimes I have her blocked, sometimes I unblock her. H has her blocked at my request. It's been a long time, and Facebook wasn't a thing when our DDay rolled around, so they were never friends. He didn't want to block her because he didn't want her to know that she's even a thought in our heads, but I insisted. Sometimes I think I'd rather she see the photos he posts of us and eat her heart out. Sometimes I want her to be frustrated that she's cut off. ("she, she, she..." Yes, I see the problem here.)

A few years back, a friend of mine had a DDay and was showing us her AP's Pinterest page. That triggered me to look for H's AP's Pinterest. I hadn't crept on her in a long, long time, but what I found threw me for a loop and has fucked my head up ever since. She had posted 900+ memes about unrequited love and the one that got away. The bitch is married and has been since 5 years after DDay. I'm making an assumption, of course, but odds are that those memes are about my H. She's STILL carrying a torch. If I hadn't looked, I'd never know, which would obviously be better for ME. So let me serve as a bad example - a cautionary tale. Don't do what I did. Do what everyone here is recommending and try to stop creeping or taunting.

You can't block someone on Pinterest. Well, you can, but it only blocks them from contacting you, not from seeing your pins or from you being able to see theirs, and I don't want to make all of my boards private. So sometimes, yes, I post things for her to see if she's looking. Like the meme that said, "Hey, train wreck. This isn't your station."

Intellectually, I know that I should be working on moving on and removing her as a presence in my brain, but I haven't gotten there yet and I don't know if I ever will. It's a goal, for sure. I probably need some EMDR. Oof.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 8:31 PM, Thursday, February 15th]

I'm quite surprised at the overly harsh replies to be honest.

BtB - "I get your inclination to want to lash out at the AP, but your husband's gleeful participation and encouragement is disturbing. From everything you've written here, he seems to be taking pleasure in the fact that his AP is obsessively checking your FB and pining after him.

And the fact that you're facilitating it and taking jabs at her is just the icing on the cake... you're serving him a feast of kibbles by gloating over winning the pick-me dance."

WH is in no way gleeful. He appreciates fully that one of my hardest struggles with the A, is the injustice. The fact that I have PTSD and depression. He now has his own mental health issues, and can barely live with the shame of what he has done. All the while (in my mind), she has come away completely unscathed.

He understands that I feel that he gave away all of my power, and that occasionally putting up photos of us as a happy smiling family, along with maybe the odd meaningful comment, makes me feel just that bit better.

Also, he fears one day, she will get back in contact. That she may even come to our house. The AP was nutty. She begged to stay in some sort of contact and "check in" every now and then, just to see "how we're doing". So yes, he feels it is somewhat a deterrent. You may not understand this, but to label it as "disturbing", is wholly unfair.

"And the fact that you're facilitating it and taking jabs at her is just the icing on the cake... you're serving him a feast of kibbles by gloating over winning the pick-me dance."

"Taking jabs at her"? Your use of language paints a picture, that I (along with my husband), are, I bullying poor old AP. You may not mean it that way, but that is certainly how it comes across. This person is part responsible for destroying my life, and has shown no remorse. I genuinely hope she dies unhappy and alone. I apologise if that makes me a terrible person.

"So instead of putting this woman in your rearview, you're now obsessing over the meaning of her posts and giving her lots of mental space and emotional energy.

All the while, your husband's ego must be expanding so much your roof will explode."

Yes, I am 19 months out. I believe my behaviour at this point is to be expected? You know, trauma.

No, his ego has zero to do with me wanting the AP to know we are happy and recovered (from her perspective of course, she is oblivious to the pain she has truly caused), and my husband wanting me to feel some sort of justice for myself. His ego has nothing to do with it. Infact, he has diminished his ego so much that he can barely look in the mirror.

Crazyblindsided- "I would block block block, the AP should be irrelevant now, plus she may even enjoy watching you continue to obsess over her. She knows it is a jab at her just as her posts were jabs at you. I would just block and forget her altogether."

That would be a very healthy response, I agree. But as above, I am only 19 months out. I'm no where near there yet.

"It was/is important to me that my H and I present as a team - us against the world. In the first few weeks after we began R, he urged me to come to his workplace and take him to lunch. The AP had tried a couple of times to break NC, so it was essentially a "marking my territory" mission. We walked out of the building holding hands, right past her desk. And boy, was she PISSED.

My H didn't enjoy engaging her, but he did enjoy helping me feel powerful. It was important to me to flex my nuts with grace and reclaim my wife status in H's workplace. I could have beat her ass, and I'm sure she was expecting it, but it's not my style. I'm a master at killing people with kindness...and at being petty AF."

Oh, SS33 you've just made me burst into tears 😭😭 thank you so much. I didn't expect the responses. And I didn't expect that it might be viewed that my husband and I are some twisted, unkind sicko's taking pleasure in another's misery and that he is somehow being validated why having two woman fawn and obsess over this. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I probably shouldn't have posted this tonight as I'm more fragile then normal. But thank you so much, it means alot to know I'm not alone.

"I could have beat her ass, and I'm sure she was expecting it, but it's not my style. I'm a master at killing people with kindness...and at being petty AF."

Oh and this made me chuckle, this describes me to a tea 😆

Big hugs, Whiskey. I'm with you, girl.

My H never presented as someone who was enjoying the ego kibbles of two women competing for him. He didn't like it at all. He wants her to be a nonentity for me, which she was/is for him almost from the start. It's ME who wanted to get in her face and flex.

All the while (in my mind), she has come away completely unscathed.

My driving energy in life is fairness, and there's nothing fair about a single AP getting off scot-free after trying to poach your H. Oh, boy, that's a biggie. It's not my business what happens to her now and I should quit trying to make it my business. (Maybe I should have kicked her ass back then. I might feel better now. lol)

This is a good thread for me right now. It's making me think hard about what I'm doing all these years later. Thank you. XO

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 9:21 PM, Thursday, February 15th]

A few days later, she's changed her profile settings to public, and suddenly written in her bio "The truth will prevail...". I know I poked the bear so to speak, but I just feel triggered and angry!

It makes me question whether I known everything

That’s why NC = no new hurts.

Your husband brought OW into your marriage, where she had no right to be. You, not him, are continuing to do that, and the result is you are triggered and angry. There are many other ways to be empowered. But this way is giving her far more power and significance than she deserves, it’s endowing her with power, especially if you are coding the messages just for her. It’s telling her that she was/ is a threat to you.

It seems an internecine war, one that is possibly spiking your adrenaline, autonomic nervous system, in addictive and probably retraumatising ways. It’s not a recommended course of action for PTSD.

All of this said uncritically but advisedly.

[This message edited by Edie at 10:00 PM, Thursday, February 15th]

Does anyone else ever try to taunt the AP on social media?

Kinda sorta . The adultery co-conspirator was only on Tagged...that was how my H contacted her. She didn't have a Facebook account. I had made a profile on Tagged so that I could see her profile.

It has been a consensus on here to have NO CONTACT whatsoever with the adultery co-conspirator. I can understand that...and I really TRIED to adhere to that. But after FIVE months of the adultery co-conspirator trying to contact my H through emails and whatsapp messages after he sent her his NC message...I HAD ENOUGH!! I ended up making an email account and started sending her a barrage of emails...practically DARING her to reply. I wanted to show her that TWO could play at this harassing game and I WOULD WIN!!!

She took the bait and replied. Of course...she apologized IF she hurt me...because it certainly wasn't her intention. Then in the next paragraph she LIED to intentionally HURT ME . I then sent her an email that let her know that I knew she lied and happily explained how I knew she lied . Then I let her know that I may...or may not have made several profiles on Tagged...who may...or may not have already contacted her . I just left it at that. I could just picture her wondering if the next man who contacted her was ME or not !!!

I'm quite surprised at the overly harsh replies to be honest.

I can remember replies being really harsh to me when I was still at a RAW stage (((HUGS))). Please know that everyone here only wants to HELP . We are all at different phases of healing and there are times when we can phrase things a little more gently than we should...and other times when we are hurriedly writing before we have to leave for an appointment or something and don't come across as nicely as we should. What always has helped ME in the replies on my post...was to take the things that HELPED ME...and LEAVE the rest .

Another thing I have OFTEN said on here...that can cause a lot of issues with some people...is that as long as it HELPS the BS to heal...and is LEGAL...DO IT !!! IF this helps you to HEAL...then go for it! But if it doesn't seem like it is...maybe you can try what some of the others on here are suggesting? For ME...whatever kept the adultery co-conspirator in MY head...kept her in my LIFE. I hope that makes sense. Once I was able to start focusing on other things...and less on HER...she became insignificant. How REFRESHING that became ! I do have to say though...that at 19 months out...there was NO WAY she was not in my head 24/7. But ONE DAY Dear Lady...she was...and it CAN happen for you too .

(((WhiskeyBlues))) apologize if my post came across as harsh I just hate to see a BS letting the AP take up any headspace. They just aren't worth your peace of mind. 18 months out the AP was not out of my mind. I did try to post pictures of myself and xWS on FB so she could see we were together (little did I know at that time the A was still ongoing and found myself in False R 2 years later).

After False R she took up no headspace for me she was another woman being abused by my xWS. The person who honestly took up too much headspace was my xWS (well now he's an Ex so takes up no headspace).

Try if you can to practice as much NC for your own self and peace of mind. Let her be the one to still obsess over you while you could care less if she falls off the face of the earth.

To be clear, I don't give a shit about your AP and if what you're doing hurts her feelings. As you said, she inserted herself into your life and tried to fuck up your marriage. If it causes her suffering that you're reconciled, then great.

My only concern here is for you.. because it's obvious that whatever immediate satisfaction or relief you feel by taunting the AP is offset by the fact that you're admittedly obsessed with her social media and get trigged by her passive-aggressive, cryptic "response" posts.

I also take issue with the fact that your husband's way of (allegedly) helping you feel better and more empowered is through continued involvement with the AP, even if the interaction, indirect though it may be, is negative rather than positive.

Also, he fears one day, she will get back in contact. That she may even come to our house. The AP was nutty. She begged to stay in some sort of contact and "check in" every now and then, just to see "how we're doing". So yes, he feels it is somewhat a deterrent. You may not understand this, but to label it as "disturbing", is wholly unfair.

If he genuinely fears the AP getting back in contact and considers her a bunny boiler, then that's all the more reason why she should be blocked and not given any information about where you go, what you're doing, and the state of your relationship.

If she attempts contact in any way,then there are other options at your disposal, such as a cease-and-desist letter or a restraining order, if necessary.

No, his ego has zero to do with me wanting the AP to know we are happy and recovered (from her perspective of course, she is oblivious to the pain she has truly caused), and my husband wanting me to feel some sort of justice for myself. His ego has nothing to do with it. Infact, he has diminished his ego so much that he can barely look in the mirror.

If he loves you, wants to rebuild your marriage, and sincerely desires to help you feel better and more empowered, then he can do that by becoming a better person and an exceptional husband for you... not for an online audience. Your husband brought this person into your lives, and if justice is what you seek, then he's the one who needs to be held accountable. Focusing your anger at the AP lets him off the hook.

Lastly, for all you know, the AP might see your posts and recognize them for what they are... performative displays intended to unsettle her. She might be getting some satisfaction out of knowing that even though your WH isn't in contact with her, she's still present in your marriage by living rent-free in your head.

Arguably the cruelest and coldest thing you can possibly do is ice AP out completely, as if she never existed.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 10:26 PM, Thursday, February 15th]

I fully understand the inclination. My husband left Facebook because the ap kept making new profiles to try and spy on him.

However, I was going to say no more contact/no more hurts, Edie beat me to it. The longer you allow her in your lives in any way, the worse it really is in the end for you. Leave her in the rearview.

And honestly, I don’t know if it matters to your husband or not that she still cares. However for me, and many other ws the affair is an addiction and if I had any indication the AP was still pining for me it would have fed into that addiction instead of allowing the withdrawal to be completed. This is why I didn’t play with fire at all with h’s AP. I wanted her as far out of the picture as possible.

I stopped responding to her bs for the same reason. I gave him all the needed info and then asked him to stop contacting me. When he didn’t, I blocked him. It’s seem cruel but I had nothing more to offer him and he kept dragging more to my doorstep.

No contact truly is the best.

Besides, you are also giving her attention and even negative attention makes her feel she is still relevant.

[This message edited by hikingout at 10:33 PM, Thursday, February 15th]

Facebook is the work of the devil, is all I’m saying. 💩💩💩

Hi whiskey,

It’s been a while, glad you are still posting and being active on this sight. I will be straightforward and I mean no offense at all. Taunting AP and all of that, feels very much like a version of pick me dance.

I’ve shared this here before but it’s been a while. Your mileage may absolutely vary. But it’s what happened.

I did the SM taunting. For a couple of weeks I reposted every single thing she posted. All the sappy, stupid soulmate schmoopie stuff. The great big eyeball with some crap about how sometimes a bunch of memories well up and drop out of my eye.

I sent her the "Honey, they always affair down" post. I thought I’d trimmed all the headers and maybe I did but somehow she found her way here.

In the meantime I created a nickname for her. I was super proud of this nickname. I used it so much that my phone still suggests it when I type the first 2 letters.

She found my posts. She saw that nickname. She saw pretty much every horrible thing I ever posted here. And you can say she deserved it.
Maybe she did. You know what she didn’t do? She never broke NC. She never identified herself here. Several years later because of a stupid Facebook glitch I thought she had broken NC and I went nuclear. I mean, telling friends of hers what she’d done. It was NOT my finest hour.

And she responded to that with what I believe was a true, heart felt apology. She used this site and the WS forum especially to learn better ways of living and being. She apologized for the trigger that happened and caused me so much pain. She apologized for her actions that caused me so much pain. And she said she was trying to live her life better.

To this day I’m not sure what the lesson is here. Because of who I am at my core, I am ashamed of the way that I deliberately hurt her. She had a shit upbringing and early life and didn’t have a whole lot of tools. My H was an idiot (I love him and I’m not name calling him. Just describing his actions) and a KISA who turned out to be a redneck in tinfoil. I knew better. And I deliberately hurt her anyway.

Yet she apologized to me in a way that gave me hope for humanity.

I don’t know if you can find anything to hold onto in there. The taunting didn’t make me feel better. Ever.

Edie - "It seems an internecine war, one that is possibly spiking your adrenaline, autonomic nervous system, in addictive and probably retraumatising ways. It’s not a recommended course of action for PTSD"

I've seen you post this before, and I'm intrigued. I think you may be on to something here. Even before the A, we had quite a stressful life, with many sucky significant events coming to fruition, that lead me on a war path to seek justice at employment tribunals, ombudsmen, family Court, NHS boards. All probably over the last 10 years. I often wonder what this may have done to my brain.

Want2BHA - "Another thing I have OFTEN said on here...that can cause a lot of issues with some people...is that as long as it HELPS the BS to heal...and is LEGAL...DO IT!!!"

This made me smile 😊 What I'd really like to do is publicly humiliate her 🤭 but I know I'd end up feeling crap, so I wouldn't. I figure a few happy photos and the odd (well I say odd, this is the only one I've done, I usually just put up photos or posts about the occasional day/night out), comment are rather tame by comparison.

Crazyblindsided- "I did try to post pictures of myself and xWS on FB so she could see we were together (little did I know at that time the A was still ongoing and found myself in False R 2 years later).

After False R she took up no headspace for me she was another woman being abused by my xWS"

I'm so, so sorry that you were in false R for so long, and your xws was allowing you to post happy pictures on social media, knowing full well what he was doing 😪

BtB - thanks for saying that. It just felt that some kind of defense against the AP.

The thing is, you say if us R-ing hurts her then great (which I have no doubt is the case). But I have in my head that she believes he is only back for the kids or something. On his NC call, she said you can't just stay for the kids, its not good for them in the long run (like she knows whats best for my kids?! 😡). He said he wasn't, he wants to make things work because there is a connection between us that we need to explore (not exactly the declaration of undying love I'd rather, but he was scared of what his rejection of her might then lead her to..). I know logically it shouldn't matter to me what she thinks, but it does. As SS33 said, I want to show a united front. I want her to realise that their little wuv stowy was a sack of shit. Its important to me.

My husband is supporting me because he knows full well that if he didn't, I would take this to heart. If he weren't to want to show a united front, like I need, then he's not R material in my mind. Initially he very much wanted her to have no insight into our lives. He wants nothing more then to forget this person. But its important to me, so... My husband came off any social media though.

You say performative displays, but as above, although I went a little rogue on my birthday, but all I'm ever posting is photos now and again, and posts. And not lovey dovey ones either. Never did that before, so it would be odd for me to start now. Yes, my underlying hope now is that she still looks and it hurts her - but they're not performative displays.

Hiking out- "And honestly, I don’t know if it matters to your husband or not that she still cares. However for me, and many other ws the affair is an addiction and if I had any indication the AP was still pining for me it would have fed into that addiction instead of allowing the withdrawal to be completed."

I'm truly grateful that any addictive stage regarding the AP ended long before I found out about the A and he ended it. At the time of discovery, he was actively trying to end the A, but had made such a mess and feared repercussions, he took the cowards way out and continued the A. Although he became depressed, angry and dead behind the eyes 😔

I find your posts so insightful by the way!

HoP - 1000% agree!!!

HINHF - haven't seen you in a long time!! How are you?!

Re the pick me dance, its genuinely not. I know I'm the prize and my husband is lucky to still breathe the same air as me 😉 If anything, he feels it was, and still is, him doing the pick me dance. This is all about the AP and what she thinks. I know it shouldn't be, but I'm not quite there yet 😕

I’m not judging you on what you post and why. I get that you want to let the OW know she lost and that things are going well for you and your husband.

But if you are truly afraid she’s unhinged about this affair and is still holding on to the hope that maybe someday she’ll have a chance to get back with your H, then you are playing with fire.

I never went after the OW out of fear she would reach out to my children. When she tried to restart the Affair for a third time and my H refused to speak to her, she went into revenge mode. It wasn’t pretty. You know what they say about a scorned woman lol.

Please be careful because you don’t know what people are capable of. And if she’s still stalking you via social media then you should be very concerned.

Her comment about the truth could be that she is referring to the things your husband said about you as a way to start the affair. Her truth is those lies or fibs he told her — he’s unhappy, you are …..(fill in the blanks), he’s divorcing you etc.