SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, I told our adult sons about their Dad’s 21 year affair/relationship on Thursday.
Without doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

They have both said that they’ve only ever seen an amazing man and Father and never seen any issues between us (my H says that’s because there weren’t any) so this is a massive shock to them.

My eldest son is obviously massively hurt and upset. He wanted to speak to his Dad and told him that he still loves him but he’s incredibly disappointed in what he’s done and the trust has gone. But he said that he won’t abandon him, as he’s still his Dad. He wants us to remain civil whatever path we take after this.

My youngest son is again massively hurt and upset but he’s angry as well. Again, tells me that he still loves him but he hasn’t been able to talk to his Dad yet. He’s feeling more angry about it.

I’ve always put my sons first (I was a SAHM for years) so we’re very close. They know I’m here for them and we are talking all the time. It devastates me to see them so shocked, let down and upset.

They’ve both told the people closest to them. And they have other people that I’ve told who they can reach out to.

Anyone with any advice for dealing with adult kids when they find out please? It’s obviously completely different than if they were much younger.
And, because this OW has been in my H’s life since my sons were under 3, they’re feeling it extra due to the length of time.

Thanks in advance.

As adults it is their relationship with their father that they have to fix or redevelop or abandon or change.

You just have to be sure that you are not standing in the way of whatever relationship they choose to have (which I’m sure you will not).

It may take some time before things return to normal or start to feel better, for both them and you.

Encourage them to talk about it — with a trusted friend or relative or professional (or even you). Be prepared to listen but not give advice unless asked to.

I hope they can accept their dad, even with this new information

Thanks The1stWife, I am most definitely encouraging and supporting them to try and keep a relationship with their Dad. Despite what he’s done, I don’t want to see him lose his sons (even if he deserves to),

My eldest son is talking to his Dad. Has expressed his disgust and disappointment with him and has been upset. Wants to know why he’s done this but has told him that he still loves him. So I think, in time, they can rebuild. Even though it’ll never be the same I think they’ll be ok.

My youngest son is taking it much harder. He’s been very angry one minute to completely distraught the next. He has spoken to his Dad a little to tell him how he feels but he’s really struggling with this. I keep telling him that it’s incredibly early and that he’s had a massive shock and trauma. Just keep encouraging him to talk and to give this some time.

It’s absolutely heartbreaking to see. Some days I’ve regretted telling them but they’re both in their 20’s so it was becoming more and more difficult to play happy families in front of them.

You needed to tell them. Otherwise they would blame you for the D.

They were owed the truth. If they uncovered the truth from someone other than you, they would be upset that you deceived them as well.

I am certain that things will improve over time. The initial shock is overwhelming but once they can accept the truth, I hope they can repair their relationship with their father.

So sore this has destroyed them. Another thing the cheater just doesn’t get.

So sorry you and your boys are going through this. Since we are working hard on R and it seems to be going in the right direction we are not telling our adult sons anything at this point. But if things deteriorate and R starts to look unlikely I will be in your shoes. It sounds like you did the right thing for your situation and I know it must be doubly hard trying to support your sons during this when you are struggling to get your own mind around it. All I can do is offer my support and hope you can all heal from this nightmare. We all have your back, whenever you need to unload. I love how we are all here for each other.

Thanks AlteredReality, things are still very up and down. My sons are speaking to their Dad but it’s only about every day things. They haven’t wanted to speak about the affair. Which is fine but I do worry they are bottling things up.
All I can do is keep reminding them that I’m here for them and that we’ll get through this together