SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DD#2 was three weeks ago, so while I'm divorcing my husband, and I've been through this before, I'm having a hard time with 'just found out' emotions.

Last night my husband shared more details about his latest affair, and while the first was a fling with a friend, I learned that the recent affair started far earlier than he'd told me before. And it was in his mind a deep, meaningful love relationship with a longtime friend (that we both know), where he had been planning to leave me for her on January 2.

This hit me like a ton of bricks, as while the rational part of me knows I need to move on from this person. I now see we had false R for 12 years, and the fact that he shifts blame for the affair to me along with a host of other things, make me know I am better off without him. And on most days for the past three week, I've felt that way.

But some other part of me realized last night that I've been rejected, wholly and completely, by someone I loved for more than 25 years. He's distraught at losing our kids, his home, the dogs, etc., and he's sad that our marriage didn't have a happy ending, but he seems at peace with losing me. It's hard to accept that he stopped loving me a long time ago and has been in love with someone else. I feel rejected, hurt, and used, and the hit to my self esteem is enormous. Which I know is crazy, but the rivers of tears and my swollen eyes tell a different story.

I've re-read all the great posts for new members of SI and all the 'just found out' stuff, but I welcome any insight that will help me figure out how to let go of him. I'm in IC and told my husband last night I can have no further contact with him, but I'm still unable to let go in my head or heart of someone who knew he was hurting me and chose to do it anyway.

He’s "sad because the marriage didn’t have a happy ending "?? Lol. It didn’t have a happy ending because he’s a serial cheater ffs. Pretty hard to have a happy ending when someone has spent decades being deceptive.

I understand your pain, completely. But when you process what he’s done, you will begin to see that losing this douche canoe is the best thing that’s ever happened to you. It will take time to work this through, time and a shitton of therapy, but what he did was so outrageously corrosive that nobody stood a chance. Least of all you. You couldn’t have stopped him if you were all the super models combined. His cheating has zero to do with you. He’s not capable of authentic relationships. He’s not. He is now going to face a very hard reality of the cost of all of this and in the words of Mel Robbins, let him.

Big hug.

Gently, it takes more than 3 weeks to recover from any A, much less one in which the WS has planned to leave.

Give yourself some time - 2-5 years - to fully recover. I know that seems endless now, but it isn't. It'll be a tough period for you, but it will end, and you will be able to survive and thrive.

Have you read The Journey From Abandonment to Healing? I haven't read it myself, but it's highly recommended.

Arnold,

I was also unceremoniously dumped after 25 years (and days before my 50th birthday). I had been in false R for nearly a year after his 2 years affair and all signs were that I needed to not be with him. My mental health was trash, I was performing poorly at work (ultimately lost the job, which did not help my self-esteem), and the infidelity diet had me a walking pile of bones. I KNEW it was the right thing to D. But damn it was hard. And it hurt for quite a while.

But only then is when the healing started. I highly recommend a good IC to help you rebuild your esteem. Because YOU are great. HE is a cheater, a liar, a bad friend, a failing parent. YOU are the prize. He is a run-of-the-mill lowlife. I know it doesn’t feel that way, but feelings aren’t facts. The FACT is that you have been a loyal, loving spouse, a dedicated and loving mother, a good and authentic friend. You have morals and character and heart. He does not.

My therapist told me that feelings only last something like 90 seconds if you actually let yourself fully feel them. Meaning don’t fight them - let the feeling happen. You will be able to move through it faster than you think.

So you are going to feel what you feel - our minds are not always our friends. But remember that feelings are valid but not always factual. Write down a list of the amazing things about you (and there are so so many) and re-read it. It will get better. It really will.

Hang in there.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 6:28 PM, Sunday, January 19th]

How to let go of him. That's going to take some time. You're doing all the right things right now. So give yourself some credit. Your head recognizes that it's over because you deserve so much better. Your heart is lagging behind. It is supposed to. He was disingenuous in the relationship. HE knew and had 12 years to process that he didn't love you enough. In the meantime, you misplaced faith in his intentions. You trusted him, as you were supposed to. You believed in the future he deceitfully presented to you. You stayed attached while he was sneakily detaching from you. There are no short cuts. You go through all the stages of grief. That takes a while and it's not a linear healing process. You have some bad days, then some good. When you just start to think you might be ready to heal, you'll have setbacks. This is perfectly normal and if you accept that, then you will eventually get past the pain and trauma.
Go NC. If you break NC, get back up and get back on the NC horse. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself permission to forgive yourself for mistakes you're going to make. And you will make mistakes along the way. Accept that this shit wasn't right and wasn't fair. That's probably the hardest part. Cry, sob, and then do it again.
All of this advice, wash, rinse, repeat. One day you'll realize you haven't cried in a while. It may be only a few days. Then, it will be a few weeks, a few months. One day, you WILL look back and think, "Well Fuck, I cried over THAT guy? Him? Really?" And you'll laugh at your old self and wonder what in the hell you ever saw in him that made him worth crying over.
Promise.

Thanks, everyone. So validating and just what I needed to hear today.

Have you read The Journey From Abandonment to Healing?

sisoon, bought the book on Amazon and will start reading it as soon as it arrives.

HE is a cheater, a liar, a bad friend, a failing parent.

BearlyBreathing, THIS! Except what keeps rattling around my head are the wonderful memories from good times, and probably some of my own fantasy about how great it could be and how great he could be, if he'd just do the work. Yet I can't do his work for him, and I need to figure out how to be at peace with that.

HE knew and had 12 years to process that he didn't love you enough.

StillLivin, I hadn't thought about it this way, even though reading your comment makes it obvious. He says he's tried to tell me his feelings many times throughout the years, but if he was regularly saying to me "I'm not getting what I need, I'm struggling in this marriage, I need to figure out some of my own stuff, and we need to be working together on our stuff if we want this relationship to thrive"...well, I don't remember that conversation, ever!

I believed in the future I thought we had and that he reassured me over and over that we'd have. I'll try to put my emotional energy not into longing for that false future but into maintaining NC and giving myself space to focus on my own recovery.

You don't remember that conversation because it never happened. The whole thing with affairs is the fantasy of it. Cheaters have to go through some extreme mental gymnastics (called cognitive dissonance) in order to justify to themselves that what they're doing is ok, when they clearly know it's not. While in the fantasy, they like to pretend a lot of stuff, imagined slights and offenses that never occurred, fights and arguments that never actually manifested, etc. So, in his mind you knew. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to make them see reality if they don't want to. Hence why everyone is telling you to go NC and to move forward putting only your needs first.
Here's the thing, he had 12 years of your wonderfulness. In that time, instead of cherishing you and acknowledging your worth, he put his dick and ego first. Again, 12 years. If he hasn't figured out in all that looooong time, then he doesn't fucking deserve you.
Maybe he'll come around when you withhold all of your wonderfulness from him. Great if he does. But never forget you deserve better. Set those boundaries and expectations high.
As for those wonderful memories, something tells me (like his dick and ego and selfishness) that you were probably the driving force for those memories happening. We're you the one doing most of the planning and making fun events happen? Were you the one that made concessions so that HE would be happy with the movie, date night, family event, etc.?
I found that after I healed from my own situation, that yes, I had some amazing memories, but I had always been the one to put in the mental load to make those memories. I would give up going to a movie that I really wanted to go to and sit in on a boring movie because he wanted to see that stupid movie. I did all the research and planning for family trips. I did all the work, or most of it, in order to have some great date nights. And he never deserved the energy I put into him and us.
Just remember also, when he could have told you what was going on in his head and been honest that he was detaching (and why), he instead selfishly took from you. He continued taking your love, integrity, and energy. In return, he was giving the same to someone else instead of you. Fuck that BS. Hold your head high and continue marching forward.

He says he was planning to leave on January 2. Didn't happen though, did it. He sure is a man of his word. What was the purpose of him telling you that, other than to wound you. Probably could be him trying to make you feel bad in response to the divorce.

Did the longtime friend smile at you and make nice conversation while they were carrying on a deception?

Get mad, sister. Totally outrageous and pathetic behaviour towards you.

Arnold: Awful what you are being dealt with by the one that you should be able to trust the most. I so agree with the comments by posters above. By the time you have recovered yourself, he will come back around to get you back - only to then screw you over again later for the next woman who catches his eye. Get strong before this happens. I have a similar history, but it started decades ago. He has tortured my soul! I have finally and recently put a plan in place to get out of this situation. A plan takes some of the stresses off of me as it gives me something to look forward to. My future happier life. Force yourself to get out and do things that you would normally enjoy. It helps to have this escape/distraction. Some times where you are distracted from this awful stuff. I joined a women's group for a few hours a week with a hobby that I enjoy and these ladies are so much fun. Then I joined another. I finally changed my hairstyle to what I have been wanting for years. Little things make a difference right now. I have had a couple meetings with attorneys and I have been looking for a different place to live. All these years being loving and loyal to him - only to realize that he doesn't even love me back. I gave him 100%,and he didn't even notice me. It will never make any sense to me, and it makes me feel so lonely at times. But that is what it is. Arguing doesn't change it. He doesn't want me.