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My Spouse (26F) had two instances of fringe emotional affairs on me (M29). Need some outside perspectives. Would you be able to move past this?

My wife and I have been married for four years and been together for six.

About six months ago, my wife was gaining interest in starting an online band. She is a singer who used to perform when she was younger, but had stopped for a time before we got together.

I don’t have any connections in the music scene. I’ve never been musically inclined and it’s not really something I’ve ever been interested in.

She was able to get some people online who are interested in making a band. She then had a group chat started with all of them on telegram.

It seemed like this had really started to lift her spirits. She had been feeling lost and depressed prior to this, and it really seem like she had found a purpose.

About a month and a half into the project, it seemed to have all fell apart. She told me one of the band members ended up, confessing his feelings for her and wanted something more and she didn’t want that.

She seemed really hurt when this all happened and decided to write a song about it.

She ended up finding a local producer could help her work on the song to release it. At this point, I am ecstatic that she was able to rebound from this failed project and was able to keep creating music.

Everything seems to be going great. She even has a few other songs that she has been working on to potentially release all at the same time.

The producer seems to really be impressed by her and thinks she could actually make a really big impact.

About a month and a half into this process, she started telling me about how she wanted to make sure all of her songs were going to be released by a certain date, but the producer was dragging his feet. She mentioned his wife can get super jealous and paranoid about him and she’s worried that it’s gonna cause issues with her working with him.

A few days later, she breaks down crying as the producer had blocked her on all forms of contact. She tells me she thinks the wife is making him do this and now all of this work is for nothing.

The music producer had been telling her that he was gonna get her signed and have all these connections for her to pursue a career.

She tells me that she did notice that he would flirt with her a lot, but she kind of just pushed it away or not really acknowledged it.

She was able to find another producer and that ended up being a lot better for her in the grand scheme of things.

When she was with the first music producer, she had been working on a song that she had first explained to me is just a generic song that didn’t mean anything. After the music producer breakup happened I started to realize this song was not generic and was actually about that music producer.

I ended up confronting her about this, and she explained that she did feel some sort of way with this producer, but had told the producer that she wants to be with me even after the producer told her he would leave his wife for her.

She told me that the praise and compliments he was giving her felt really good and it was great connecting with someone who was also in the music scene that would have a lot of weight held with their compliments.

But she was adamant that nothing happened and that she had consistently talked about how great I was to him.

I accepted this answer and tried my best to move on. I didn’t feel like she crossed the line, but that I guess is up to anyone else.

However, the worries got the best of me and I ended up snooping on her phone and discovered in her photos a handful of screenshots with the previous band member that she had first wrote a song about.

They had been having conversations about connecting on a deep level, but knowing this couldn’t go any farther. Prior to this, I thought the feeling were one-sided, but it seems like they were a little closer to mutual than I had realized.

I confronted her about this as well, and I asked her if she considered this cheating. She said maybe emotionally cheating. She told me that it was because I hadn’t been connecting with her on a deeper level and being able to talk music with people had helped her a lot, but it had gotten too far and she knew that she couldn’t keep those relationships going.

Would you be able to move past this?

I’m in a spot where I know that I can’t offer her everything in terms of connecting on a musical level. We don’t share the exact same hobbies or interests, so I can understand how someone would be upset by that.

Your wife is looking for meaning and purpose in her life. That is a natural desire. This is important because she might mistake the high she gets from working on her music with the person she is working with. I hope she can get someone involved who genuinely wants her to succeed. It means the two of you need to be on the same page about her ambitions. Reciprocity means you support her interests and she supports yours. I think y’all need marriage counseling before things go off the rails.

I think it’s easy to get caught up in a passion or hobby.

I think your wife being depressed and then suddenly not depressed after the music connection started is telling.

I think it was an emotional affair and that is why she was blocked by the first producer guy. Either by him or his wife / things started heading in the wrong direction.

Marriage counseling can help to prevent this in the future.

Would you call these emotional affairs?

In a word, yes. One of her affair partners said he was planning on leaving his wife for her? Yeah, that kind of attachment doesn’t occur in a vacuum.

I think I would insist on individual counseling for your wayward wife before she attempts another shot at a music career, with marriage counseling afterwards. She needs to stop self medicating for her depression with validation from other men.

Be sure you vet all counselors carefully for their views on infidelity beforehand. The wrong one could do terrific damage to your relationship.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're here. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, as well as some with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is located at the top of the site.

Yes, I would consider this to be an EA. You might want to read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. The book has a checklist to see if it's an EA.

I read that she was possibly on 'the slippery slope' but not in an EA. I could be wrong, however.

An EA to me has to be a 2-way thing. A crush is not an EA, and what you describe are, to me, crushes. She may be responsible for having a crush on the 1st guy, IF she had a crush. She's not responsible for the 2nd guy having a crush, IF that's all it was.

IMO, you need to talk with your W about what really went on within her and between these 2 men. My evaluation is based on my reading of what you wrote, but you couldn't have written a complete account, because you probably don't have a complete, nuanced account.

But you're uncomfortable, and you have reason to be, even if the problem is only in your head. Talk with your W. Ask your questions. Make your judgments and decisions.

Yes at least one of these was an EA.

My definition is a romantic interaction that you hide (or at least hide the extent of) from your spouse. At least the first relationship was like this. My money is that she didn't ignore his flirting, but drew an arbitrary line in the sand and told herself "I won't cross it". She was almost definitely flirting back. His wife more likely than not had good reason to believe he was romantically and emotionally investing in your wife.

Your wife was actively lying to you about the romantic interactions she was having, even if they weren't sexual or physical (which is hard to say at this moment in time).

I recommend a full written timeline and polygraph to confirm, unless you think you have enough evidence from her communications that she has opened to you (assuming she opened them to you and didn't delete them).

Whether or not you were connecting on a deeper level or about music is not entirely irrelevant but something to think about.

I didn't see any mentions of kids or a house. Does she have a job other than music? Are you the sole provider?

I would advise you to take these relationships as massive red flags. If you don't have major entanglements, I wouldn't bother trying to rebuild trust with her. She has failed early in your marriage.

Right now you might owe her a year or two of alimony depending on the state. At ten years, in California for example, you may owe permanent alimony.

Do you want to sweep this under the rug only to have her pull it out from you later after you thought things were good?

You are young by basically any definition. Lots of future to think of, very little past.

Shirley Glass’ book ‘Not Just Friends’ is ideally suited to your situation, especially her ‘windows and walls’ idea. I suggest that you get it, both read it, and make time to discuss it together.

One thing not answered.

Would you be able to move past this?

Can you? Yes. My WW had multiple EAs and PAs. I always thought that would be the end full stop. 3 years later we are still working on rebuilding. I do believe it is possible though improbable. But so is winning the lottery and yet someone always does….

It is very different from will you or should you with her. Everyone is very different and it does matter a lot how the WW reacts and if they can change to a deep enough level to be safe to move on with. The good news is that you absolutely can and will move past it if you choose to……with or without her.