Prayingforreform2024 (original poster new member #85742) posted at 5:47 AM on Wednesday, January 29th, 2025
I am new here and this is just my second post so I will give some background. D-Day was a month ago. I had an EA with someone I met at an event which continued for 2 weeks. But I didn't tell her the whole truth: 2 previous EAs until two days ago when I decided to come clean. My BS was initially grateful I told her the truth, called it unselfish, but after processing it, she is completely broken as I cheated throughout our marriage. She has cancelled IC and doesn't want to do any more work to heal. I am so scared she is getting into depression. She told me she feels stuck as she can't leave and I finally understood what she means. It's not just financial security, which I have promised to provide indefinitely even if she leaves, but it is also the real sacrifice she made to be with me. I won't go into details but they are real, painful and now she feels like they are useless.
Help please: how do I help her get away from the feeling of being unstuck? Does this get better?
hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 6:38 PM on Wednesday, January 29th, 2025
You can’t rush how she feels. She is in shock right now, and confused, and probably disgusted. And you are likely shameful and panicking. Take a breath.
What you can do is:
read how to help your spouse heal.
Get into therapy to figure out how and why you did it.
Write a timeline for her
Give her space when she needs it.
Actively listen and try and put yourself in her shoes.
Understand she will be on an emotional rollercoaster for a long time to come.
Be transparent and do everything you can to start earning trust. This will be a long process.
In other words, your job is not to help her get unstuck. Your job is to work on yourself and become a safer partner for her. But do jot give her any added pressure to feel better or make things more comfortable for you. It’s time for you to be the sacrificer. To be a good rebuilder. To be understanding.
7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled
Prayingforreform2024 (original poster new member #85742) posted at 8:08 AM on Thursday, January 30th, 2025
Dear hikingout,
Thank you. You have captured a lot of what we are both feeling. I have bought the book and currently reading it. I am in IC as well. I also try to actively listen but sometimes I wonder whether I am just feeling bad for myself. I do try to write down everything she tells me about how she feels betrayed so that I can keep coming back to it. I will not give her added pressure.
Thank you hikingout. I really hate that my actions led me to this page but I am grateful to have a space to learn more on what to do and how to change.
