SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel like I'm making the biggest mistake of my life by leaving after her infidelity.

My ex-wife and I were together for 11 years, we met when we were 18. I found out about her infidelity a little over a year ago, but it took another 3 months of trickle truths before I had the full picture. It was a lot to take in. She'd told her best friend that she was in love with him back in 2019 and he replied with "oh." She continued to be friends with him after that. We hosted his birthday party. Neither of them told me anything. She just hoped she could bury it and forget it and everything would be fine. After that was 5 years of faithfulness. Then in 2024 she had multiple physical affairs that started getting into emotional territory too. Once I found out and saw her giving me trickle truths, I ended up digging through her phone and I saw things I can't unsee.

I tried to make it work for a year. We did counseling together and separately, and through that we got into why she kept straying. She's a chronic people pleaser and has never felt accepted by society. She feels that she needs to wear a mask to get people to like her, and the more that people like her, the more value she has. So when an attractive, successful guy paid attention to her, she'd eat it up and chase that feeling. She carries a lot of shame and guilt in general, though especially about the affairs. In the moment she'd feel horrible about wanting to stray, and she'd work to kill that urge and come back to us. But it kept resurfacing. And every time, she hid it. She never told me anything unless she got backed into a corner by evidence.

She was (is?) a master at compartmentalizing. She felt the guilt, but she was so scared of telling me or even feeling her own feelings that she just acted like everything was fine. She did that for a decade. Meanwhile she was telling another man about her sexual desires within days of talking to him, when I never heard anything like that out of her mouth in 10 years, even after I begged her to open up to me. I genuinely thought she just wasn't that sexual. Turns out she was terrified of being vulnerable with me specifically. She's gotten a lot better at that — the last year we were together, the sex was genuinely great and she demonstrated that she desires me greatly.

My self-image was destroyed. I completely changed how I looked, started going to the gym, started getting attention from women for the first time in my life — women chasing me, actually. None of it helped. I just wanted the desire to come from her.

I moved out 2 months ago. We're officially divorced now, she bought me out of the house. And I feel like I'm making the biggest mistake of my life.

We align on almost everything — humor, lifestyle, finances, travel, where we want to live, pets, food, movies, all of it. We basically grew up together. I was perfectly happy with our entire life together, it was all I ever wanted. Once the trickle truths were finally done and I knew everything, she was completely committed to fixing things. She fought so hard. She worked on herself, on communicating, on making me feel loved and wanted. She took my verbal abuse and held on longer than she probably should have. I'm the one who filed for divorce. She begged me to reconsider. But I had too much pain in me. I'd try to look at her the way I used to, and then some image or thought would flash in my head and I'd go cold and angry instantly.

Our marriage never had a lot of romance in it. It felt more like we were best friends who happened to be roommates and occasionally had sex. That changed after I found out — somewhere in all that pain, there was this new romantic appreciation for each other that hadn't been there before. And my self-image is finally coming back too. I feel confident and attractive again.

Now I have this powerful urge to try again. This time apart has made me realize we're both different people than we were a year ago. I kept hearing the line "after infidelity, your first marriage is over either way — it's either divorce, or an entirely new marriage between the two of you." I don't think I really got that until now. I wanted our old life back with no compromises, but I'm starting to think our "second marriage" could actually be better than the first one ever was. There would still be a mountain of work and pain ahead. I've seen things I can't unsee. I've screamed some horrific things at her. But I think I'm willing to fight more for it now.

What scares me the most, though, is falling back into old habits. Where things seem fine for a while, and then the anger and sadness comes back and it feels like too much, like the relationship isn't worth the fight anymore. That's basically what happened over and over during the year we tried to work through it. I don't know how I'd know this time would actually be different.

Still, 2 months is so recent. Some days I think we'll both be fine without getting back together. Other days it feels urgent, like I need to try now. If I did, and if she was open to it, we'd start slow — dating from scratch instead of jumping back into married life, so we could actually test the waters. Maybe I would give it a full year apart first and see how I feel then.

Just looking for input from people who've been through something similar. Either thoughts of getting back together or actually doing it. How did it go, or how long did it take to stop feeling like it was the better decision to go back?

[This message edited by HappyOnce at 4:38 PM, Friday, August 7th]

Somewhere in our R, I had thrown in the towel — and after we accepted it was over was kind of when we kept reaching out anyway.

For me, our relationship started over, and then eventually we kept it all. The horrible stuff, the joy, sadness, pain and the better ways to communicate.

I went with the idea of Marriage 2.0 for a while, but really, we are the same two people that have been through stuff neither of us anticipated.

I don’t think it is the devil you know versus the unknown either, we just found a way to be healthier, happier individuals, which makes for a healthier happier, M.

I was challenged by an MC early on — and I decided not to go with that counselor, because he was aiming for a specific outcome — but what he said stuck with me along the way. If this person I loved became the best version of themselves, wouldn’t I want to be around them and enjoy that successful change?

The key here, in what you’ve described, I don’t know that you’re healed. I don’t know if your ex has done the work to be better at boundaries and healed up herself.

I would only say, if two people BOTH want something, it is possible.

However, if your ex is thinking along similar lines, maybe start with counseling to see if there is anything to restart with.

In my case, I didn’t want our old life back anyway.

We had communication issues and both of us had a ‘what’s in it for me’ style of relationship, versus the what can we do to make each other’s day (every day) better, which is what we have now.

You do know you will be okay either way, and that is a good place to start as you figure out what you want.

Trying to work out the timeline- met at 18, together for 11 years... so you're 29 right now? How long was the marriage? And thankfully, no kids right? (Huge bullet dodged)

My opinion is it is way too soon to be jumping back into a serious relationship right now with either your xWW or anyone else. Continue working on yourself and improving yourself. Ask for complete no contact with your wife for at least 6 months because it doesn't sound like you were ever to fully detach from her.

I completely changed how I looked, started going to the gym, started getting attention from women for the first time in my life — women chasing me, actually.

Use this to your advantage. Have fun going out with friends and making new friends. Develop new hobbies. Date casually.

Don't mean to pry but since you and your WW got together so young- did you ever have any other serious romantic relationships in your life or is your WW your one and only? If so, you need to develop some additional experiences to provide context in your life. Sounds like the sex only improved the last year after discovery of the affairs. This is called hysterical bonding-- it is not sexual compatibility. Make some new experiences because your WW sure did. This is what your 20s are supposed to be for.

Don't waste this opportunity. If you don't take this opportunity you risk falling back into "we were best friends who happened to be roommates and occasionally had sex" (which to be honest all long-term marriages eventually go through) but you don't want to be in your 40-50s regretting this lost opportunity.. or god forbid, your WW has another affair. You are just asking for your resentment to grow.

See what's out there, live your 20s to their fullest. Have new experiences. Make up for lost time. If you still have these feelings in a year or two maybe you can reach out to your exWW.

You wrote:

I'm starting to think our "second marriage" could actually be better than the first one ever was.

Talk about setting a low bar. You can do so much better than a partner that after only 4 years told another person that she's in love with him and followed up it up with multiple other physical affairs.