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I had the worst dream that I was cheating on my H again. In the dream I stopped myself (it was like a weird duplicate version of me talking to the other me) and told myself that this was awful and I have to stop, and didn't I remember what happened last time??? The duplicate me even tried to physically stop the other me, ut the other me didn't listen and continued onward with the sexual activity, and the duplicate me passed right through the other me like a ghost. It felt to that other me like I "had to," to get myself out of the social situation and to "safety," like a general feeling that everything was okay. I think it mirrors the feeling I have IRL a lot, where I'm constantly flying by the seat of my pants just trying to do the next thing I have to do to get by until I have more time later to do things thoroughly or properly...

I woke up terrified and extremely unsettled. My H wasn't in bed (he was at the gym, I discovered later) and I worried that I had been talking in my sleep. I know it took me some months to disclose every past instance of infidelity that I could remember, but this dream wasn't about anyone or any situation that actually happened... I think I need to talk to H about it but I have no idea how to even bring it up.

I would just tell him. Honestly, it always helped to bring transparency to each situation because I wasn’t practiced at it and that helped me change my fears around it. And also the discussions seemed for the most part to propel us forward maybe because he wasn’t as used to me sharing my inner world.

Dreams and nightmares can mean nothing, or they can reveal our fears. I would say it’s a safe bet you both fear this.

Totally out of left field, but I get Superman 3 junk yard scene/fight vibes.

Irrespective of being a stressful dream, it looks like an old you vs new you fight.
I would not stress much about talking to your H about this, if it were me i think I would be somewhat happy you told me about it.

Somehow he always reacts the opposite way of what I am expecting

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 6:20 PM, Wednesday, November 4th]

Expect the unexpected.

In therapy this week I talked about my infidelity nightmares. Sometimes they involve the AP (or some representation of her) and other times it is just someone non specific. In all almost all the nightmares I have already done something and I am trying to think of how to hide what I have done. We are going to explore this more in my next session, but therapist thinks I have a recurring fear that I will do this again. When I am conscious I can honestly say the thought of that seems so unlikely, but worry subconsciously I wonder if I am still capable of being that person.

Maybe you have something similar?

Could be, FVL. I do wonder if some kind of tempting situation would come up, if I would be the duplicate or the other me, in such a situation. Or both? I fear being out of control of myself.

Somehow he always reacts the opposite way of what I am expecting

I thought about this when I was encouraging to just be transparent.

I really feel you have said things that have drawn great boundaries in recent times. The reality is that while you fight for this relationship there is toxicity here that you have explained different ways many times.

As people who do not know either of you sometimes it’s hard to see whether your perception is making it seem toxic or it really is—-or what I suspect to be true is a combo of both.

I liked what you had to say about not managing the situation the last time you laid out your plans. That version of you knows that you are making changes and maybe he needs to as well or the relationship can’t thrive.

However, I know just how hard it is to maintain that posture. There is a lot of layers of emotional stuff that can fit in the way. But the cleanest way to see it is you can’t anticipate or control his actions, that is his responsibility to manage. And you have to manage who you want to be and present that in your relationship to see if it can move the needle without being concerned about his reaction. If it’s negative, you don’t have to defend yourself. You can simply allow him to react without that being a statement about you.

It’s not easy, I can be bad at that myself. But the more you can align with yourself the more you will trust yourself. And the more you trust yourself the less defensive you will feel. Stripped of these things, you will be more objective about his behavior and what you should do about it. It’s like a micro detachment of the outcome. We always say detach from the marital outcome, when in reality it takes hundreds or thousands of these practice pitches to get better at seeing our worth dependent of others.

And the more you lean into authenticity, the more vulnerable it will feel for a while but then it’s a muscle you find you have strengthened. And the more what’s for you will resonate.

I also do not dismiss the idea this dream is about feeling out of control in general. I get it.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:00 AM, Thursday, November 5th]

GTM,

IMO, this is a good sign, although admittedly uncomfortable to you. Your subconscious is showing an aversion to cheating. You are troubled that this happened in your dream. This is good. Make sure to focus on that part of the dream as that is really the central theme.

It is interesting you were an observer as opposed to being the person engaged in the sexual aspect.

Thanks for sharing this.

I think sometimes in the past, I had been a little paranoid and telling myself stories because of my autoimmune disease... It can cause inflammation of the brain.

I often see myself in third person in my dreams, and in this one I was observing the two selves argue from that third vantage point, while simultaneously experiencing the inner thoughts, feelings, perceptions, sensory input, etc. belonging to each... Weird right?

Last night when he came home, I was checked out on my computer and the house was a mess, because I had spent all day moving chickens around to accommodate the broody hen who adopted all 12 of the chicks I'd hatched/purchased for my breeding project (well, not all day. I did get the child off to school in the AM and to her dance class at night and fed her dinner and such), and I was too tired and stressed out to deal with anything else. we were getting ready to go to bed and he seemed quiet/down/reserved, so I asked him what was up. He very calmly said the state of the house was so upsetting to him that he didn't want to be there and that it's "getting worse," and how he'd had so much hope after my grandmother visited for three days to help me catch up on things and we were planning to schedule the junk haulers, but all that seemed to go out the window, and how if I'm having trouble remembering to take my meds and supps consistently before I get prescribed anything else, how am I supposed to get on ADHD meds and get better...? He also said he wasn't going to say anything, but he did because I asked.

I was just very quiet, and said "Okay." I got into bed flat on my back and stared up at the ceiling, feeling even more stressed out then, but trying to just listen, not get defensive, and not take it personally. Those were his feelings and they weren't baseless. He asked if I felt attacked and I said truthfully that I did, but I was trying not to. He asked if he could have gone about that differently. I told him I didn't know. I started thinking about how the dream connected to feeling out of control and just trying to cope with things.

Then he asked me if the thing I had called him wanting to talk about earlier was still bothering me, which was the dream, so I told him about it. He was like, "Well you know what Dr. {his therapist} would say..." And I chorused "Everything in your dream is you." He said that was right and that he would also say "It's a very good dream" (as in, lots to dissect.) He focused more on the feeling out of control aspect rather than the infidelity aspect. I kind of wish he would have shared how the latter made him feel.

We went to sleep after that. So I guess things aren't like, doomsday (I'm struggling to word here.) I'm still not used to there being an absence of drama and emergency to give me a distraction and jolt of brain chemicals needed to set me in action.

GTM,

That was pretty good reaction from hubby in my estimation. Thank you for being so authentic.

When someone gets so overwhelmed with really big projects, the key is just to intentionally focus on the next step....or a very small portion of the project. Once you get that done, you will naturally motivate to continue.

It is so hard to keep an organized house for many...including myself. Almost all of us have way too much STUFF. You got this. I believe in you. Just take it a bite at a time. 🙏💪

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 3:34 PM, Thursday, November 5th]

Thanks

I find it really difficult not to feel as if I'm being attacked about some things. After all, I know I screwed up, but I know I'll screw up the same way again, even though I'd like not to. So when you say you felt attacked, I wasn't surprised. When you say you made yourself listen, I thought about how much you've changed. That's some good work you've done.

*****

I've said this before, and I will say this once more. (IOW, I think I'll remember not to say it again.)

One of the ways ADHD shows itself for me is that I lose stuff that I put away. If I need/want something, if it's not in sight, I may not be able to find it. And yet, if I need something that's in the middle of a pile of papers, I can go right to it. So our apartment is messy.

Will you ever be able to keep your house neat enough for your H? With animals and a kid to take care of, not to mention ADHD? We have no kids and no jobs, and if my W relied on me to keep our apartment neat, she'd be very unhappy, and I would be, too.

Can you get cleaning help? It's a big relief for us, and it might be for you, too.

*****

Sorry about the dreams. One way to think of them, and the thoughts and feelings they give rise to, is that they may help you stay faithful to your H and yourself.

IMO, healing is very much connected with changing one's self-talk.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:46 PM, Thursday, November 5th]