SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

No. Call his wife. He knows you know. He's been waiting for you to contact his wife. The chances are high that he intercepted that text. We see it here all the time. Please call her. Just like you,she has the right to know that her husband has cheated, and her health is at risk.

Do not tell your wife that you talked to his wife.

So I went to his wife this morning instead. Still no response. But whatever.

Contacting him first gave him time to spin a story to his wife. He told her these crazy people are harassing me. Just ignore them. You have to get her. Don’t tell your wife.

Ha! So I called and got her voice-mail. Didn't leave a message. Different last name on the message. So maybe they are already divorced or I have the wrong person. We'll see if she ever responds.

You want to save your marriage?

Expose.

Expose. Expose. Expose. Expose. Expose. Expose. Expose.

Tell EVERYONE: Your family, her family, his family, your friends, her friends EVERYONE.

Oh sure, she'll be pissed. She'll say something like she was considering R but you destroyed it by exposing. They all say that shit afterwards. But if anything can get her to pull her head out of her ass quicker, exposure is it.

After exposure, FILE.

File and tell her she has until the D is final to convince you to call it off.

If she does nothing, then at least you've gotten out of infidelity as quickly as possible.

Interesting update!

She just got home and asked me right away why I moved money out of our account. Then she asked if I was happy that I ruined another family. Apparently my texts got through and they are still in touch. I asked if they were still in touch and she shrugged like why wouldn't we? She is continuing to say they are only friends and never met up. Then she said that we were never compatible and it was only a matter of time. 26 years and now? This dude was her support and helped form this opinion about our marriage.

She said she already contacted a lawyer. So I guess that is my first priority on Monday.

Let's be clear. YOU didn't ruin another family. Affairs ruin families. Her actions,and his,ruined families. Allowing all adults involved, to have the full truth of what is happening in their lives, will never ruin a family. Typical cheater, blaming everyone else but themselves. And only concerned about the other man, and money. You have nothing to work with.

Call an attorney. Go NC with her,as much as possible. Only speak about kids and finances. When she goes off,walk away.

Something no one has mentioned yet..cheating wives are notorious for trying to bring false DV charges against their husband. For many reasons. It gets her sympathy when everyone else finds out. It makes you the bad guy. It allows the OM to step in and play KISA. It also gets you out of the house, so she is free to do as she wants.

You need to get a voice activated recorder. Right now. Immediately. Have it on you at all times. All times. Not just when she's around. You don't have to even have been in the same room,for her to call the police. We had a BH who was alone,on the couch, when the doorbell rang. His wife comes flying down the stairs, mascara and tears streaking down her face,hair a mess,clothes torn. The police were at the door. She told them he had been shoving her around,and he was arrested. A VAR would have saved him a lot of heartache. Some security cameras would be a great idea as well.

Don't think she wouldn't do it. She would. Cheating wives hate when they lose control over their husbands.

Then she said that we were never compatible and it was only a matter of time.

What a piece of work. Did it give you a shock to hear that or looking back do you feel like she was never very close.

Either way consider it like a disease, because you never expect to hear about a disease until doctor tells you and act accordingly without getting angry.

She will get a dose of realty about the sincerity of this POS when he drops her like a hot potato to save his back. Hope the other spouse keep in contact with you to know what happens on their end

[This message edited by goalong at 9:12 PM, Saturday, November 5th]

Then she asked if I was happy that I ruined another family. Apparently my texts got through and they are still in touch. I asked if they were still in touch and she shrugged like why wouldn't we?

Yep. Unfortunately you have nothing to work out with at the moment. Your WW is so "head up her ass" that she does not begin to notice reality all around her.

She asks you if you are happy for ruining another family, as if you were responsible for ruining yours and also the lover one (which you were not one bit) but she can't begin to grasp that cheating on spouses WILL in itself ruin families LIKE A STORM out of nowhere.

Tipycal cheater behaviour. She is totally in the fog. She is literally living in Looney Land at the moment.

You did great telling his wife.

File for D as fast as you can. Talk to a laywer about your options and protect yourself. She is not R material at the moment. Not a bit.

All the best.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 9:17 PM, Saturday, November 5th]

So, she is showing you who she is right now. She has rewritten your M history in her mind to justify her cheating. Keep that in mind when she says things like you were never compatible.

Since she was nasty to your dd last night and she is lashing out, I would advise not engaging with her, for your sake and for your children. Limit your interactions. Be civil. Be calm. Do not be manipulated into screaming or lashing out. Keep your focus where it should be: on getting out of infidelity. Protect yourself. Remember you are in control. Take care.

Gray rock. Be the gravel in the driveway. When she comes in the room leave. Answer questions with yes or no. Never chat. Just be so noncommittal that her ego slides right off you. If she is cheating (emotional is cheating) then let her have her fantasy. You have a lot of life left and being miserable is not the way to live. AND never ask questions about the affair. It is like spitting into the wind. You never win.

Lawyer, doctor for STI check, moving ahead. Your long term health depends on getting out of infidelity asap and without a remorseful spouse the only way out is getting out..

Good luck

You should have contacted a lawyer way before she did. She seems to be a smart cookie.

You really need to bring your A game. until now you haven't!

This is the classic "DARVO" response . . . Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

You dared to tell someone the truth about what she did and she's pretending you set fire to a stadium full of puppies.

Still totally in contact with her AP. Not surprised at all.

Irrational fogged out Waywards are a hazard. They can be predictably unpredictable, volatile. They can go from love bombing you to having you arrested. Grey Rock and The 180. Isolate and keep a safe distance. Beware of the many forms of manipulation (ie sex bombing). Strap in for a wild ride. Hopefully, distancing and keeping your cool will keep you out of trouble and things won’t escalate.

What is the disposition of your estate? Ownership of your home? Who’s the bread winner? How are the kids doing? Are you in a no fault state, country?

Having adult or near-adult children will make things much easier.

I'm really trying here. I've never been through this so I don't know what an A game is!

My first priority is my daughter who's cat of 18 years is dying (my daughter is the same age). Between this crap, the vet visits, and consoling my daughter, it's been a hell of a week. We are scheduled to put the cat down tomorrow. My wife asked my daughter if she could go, and my daughter said no. Between this and the cat, my daughter is my first priority. We are actually talking now more than we ever have.

I have a consultation with a men-only divorce lawyer on Tuesday. I did try to contact lawyers that were in my work's legal benefits package, but none called back or they said first appt wouldn't be until in January. So expensive divorce, here I come.

I am keeping away from her. Been on the porch since she got home, reading.

I think her "lawyer" might be a friend or client. She owns a health business and lots of different people attend. There is no charge for a lawyer in any of our accounts. I guess this would be wishful thinking on my part, but I need to move forward with the assumption she has legal counsel.

What she is doing is working...making me feel worse, second guess everything, think about the "what if's". I really want to just go to sleep, but I don't want her to see me do that and give her any satisfaction. So I'm staying strong and pushing through it.

She said she already contacted a lawyer. So I guess that is my first priority on Monday.

I don't know where you're located, but here in the U.S., it's Saturday. That means that.. a)she was somehow able to roust up an attorney on the weekend, b)she's already spoken to an attorney, or c)she's lying in hopes of freaking you out and getting you to back down.

What is the disposition of your estate? Ownership of your home? Who’s the bread winner? How are the kids doing? Are you in a no fault state, country?

Almost everything is in both our names or in a trust. Both children are adults (over 18) although one is still at home in her last year of high school. The other is out of college and pretty much on his own.

I am the breadwinner. She got into fitness instruction and in the middle of COVID decided to open her own studio. She signed the lease without consulting me at all. She basically forced me to sign for a huge personal loan because she couldn't get a business loan and the lease was already signed.

She is doing ok, but not spending any of the profits on anything but herself. Botox, etc. WTF We has some work done to the house and I had to beg her to help pay for it.

Everything else I pay for...her brand new car, house, food, college..everything. She of course is using that against me and assuming she gets half of everything.

I am in NC. Divorces are either contested or uncontested. But we have to be separated for 1 full year before we can file for divorce...no exceptions. That means one of us needs to leave, we cannot be in the same household and neither of us can commit adultery in that year. Sucks for me, I guess.

She is likely BSing you about the lawyer. If so book free consults with 3 or more lawyers and it will lock those out of working with her. You're about to find out how mean and nasty your wife really is. Take the advice a few posts up about the VAR. Cheap insurance compared to what can happen with a false Domestic Violence charge.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 11:24 PM, Saturday, November 5th]

I know someone who went thru a D in NC. The marriage was so bad he caved on everything to get out. Get a competent attorney who knows divorce law in NC to guide you. Since the kids are over 18 you will not pay CS but watch out for alimony.
You have to split things down the middle but make sure she cannot get her hands on the trusts.
And get busy doing it. One thing to think about is not letting this drag on because the stress is so detrimental to your mental and physical health.

When I was your daughters age, my kitties were my everything. I cared for them through their senior years and saying goodbye after a long year in and out of the vets is heartbreaking. Once I just wished I could never wake up a d follow my kitty to the other side. Glad I didn't. There were more kitties in the future who needed my love and help. I needed them too. Maybe more.

I'm so sad for both of you. Your daughter will always remember your kindness. It's going to be part of her.

Ah your ws. Why do they have to cast us as the enemy after starting a war?

Blowing up lives then turn around and blame. She's going to see it clearly one day just not yet. She'll see she harmed innocent people. Maybe shes too self absorbed to see. The chasing after youthful appearance and spending on her vanity. That's so sad. Wasting the chance for happiness she could have had. A life of contentment and peace. No she must run after the superficial things that never last. There's no gratitude. There's no maturity.

Please protect yourself and beware of petty things she might try. Stand firm in what is right and accept no blame, no lies, no unfair maneuvering. She's used to getting the lions share and so beware.

Good lord with this line:

Then she said that we were never compatible and it was only a matter of time. 26 years and now?

I got the same thing from my WW after 30 years. Then why did you even marry me? Guess I was compatible all those years as a good husband and father and I guess my paycheck and the life I provided were as well.

Just unreal...

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 2:32 AM, Sunday, November 6th]