SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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This one is from @stronger08.

Thought I'd add it here.

I'd like to start this thread with a disclaimer. That it might be considered sexist by some members. Rest assured that is not my intention and I welcome all members to repy.

I have seen a steady increase of male members here over my years. I dont know if that signals an increase in female infidelity or just the fact that men are starting to reach out for help. Either way its a good thing that we are here to help. Its becoming a trend when a male BS joins and posts that I see some hostility brewing. I want each and every guy who comes here for help to understand that we are here to help. Way too many of you think whats happening in your lives is a unique situation. That no one can understand whats going on. Well, thats just nonsense. Men tend to be very blunt and to the point when responding to posts. Some of us even get right down to the nity grity straight out of the gate. And I see newer members having issue with that. I'd hate to lose members due to testerone being thrown around so frequently. And this happens from both the new members and the old.

I've also seen an increase where newer male members tend to basically become doormats to their WS. I was guilty of this myself way back when I joined. I want to let you newbies know that your inaction and inability to attack the A does nothing to solve your problems. Your WW can never be pulled from the fog by you being nice or simply waiting for this to run its course. Because in my opinion a female WS has a more emotional investment in the A than her male counterpart. Its a common trait that men can go out and cheat simply for the fact of getting laid. Women on the other hand tend to gravitate to an A due to an emotional connection with their A partner. Even if the guy is a POS liar just telling her what he thinks she wants to hear.

I see it all the time where a predator singles out a vulnerable woman and preps her into his bed. He will start by simply talking to her and gaining a knowledge of what exactly is wrong in her M. He will then use that knowledge to his advantage in order to get laid. He will be a shoulder to cry on, someone to tell her how beautiful she is, how lucky a man would be with her etc. These are all calculated moves on his part in order to get her where he wants her. Often they simply ask your WW about what she dislikes in her H and simply acts the opposite. She naturally bonds emotionaly with the OM because he portrays himself to be the perfect man. And she will fight tooth and nail to retain him in her life.

Even after D-day happens it rare that a female WS can detach from their A. It takes time and effort to get them back into reality if it even happens. Women are more finely tuned into the fantasy side of an A. They want this so called perfect man just the way he is. Many will completely abandon their families just to get a hit of the OM. The emotional side of an A is a strong pull and they will act completely different from the person you knew prior to the A. And the reason for this is because they are different. The woman you M no longer exists and a male BS needs to understand that early on. And if you think you can do anything to make her think different your sadly mistaken. No ammount of niceness or cleaning the house works. Nor does buying her gifts, talking to her, pleading for the M etc. What does work is harsh reality. You see it here all the time that male members almost always tell you to let the OM have her. Let him carry the burden of an emotionally messed up person. The reason for this is simple. Most guys who sleep with a MW do not want the responsibility of a relationship with her. He wants to get NSA sex while you sit at home with all the responsibilties of life. In most cases the OM once free to have her will run fairly quick once she is all his to have.

Also dont sit there financing her A. Many WS will use joint assets to facilitate the A. Money thats intended for the family's benefit will go towards gifts, hotels, dinners etc for the AP. Its imperative that you close the financial tap ASAP. Dont think that the OM will start picking up the tab. He is more than happy having you pay for him to screw your WW. Another good stratedy is exposure. An A must be pulled into reality and the truth must be told. Truth is like kryptonite to an A. It usually implodes one the truth comes out. Dont be embarassed as you have nothing wrong. Don let your "manhood" keep you from disclosing her dirty little secrets. She is the one who is wrong here. Dont think your situation is unique. Because its not and if you read some of the other stories here you will find that they are very similar in the general sense. Remember that you are not alone here. We have all been here and walked in your shoes.

To the older members: lets try and understand that the guy is new and give him some time before we jump in with our opinions. Offer a welcome and some support prior to enlightening him. And newbies keep in mind that the guys here and not trying to insult you. We tend to be blunt and to the point. Remember that these people know exactly how you feel. We have made all the mistakes your doing right now. We know what works and what does not. Please hang in there and read the healing library and post as often as possible. The best defense is a good offense when dealing with an A. Dont fly off the handle and get yourself informed of the facts. And dont think that your WW is not beyond lying. she will lie, shift blame, minimize everthing etc. Find out the whole story before making a move. Knowledge is power here. Much of what I just posted is just a generalization of how this shit works. Of course each situation is differnt. But all in all they follow the same script. If you were to read the female BS posts here they usually mourn their loss first. Then they get angry and act accordingly. We can learn much from them. Also keep in mind that violence will not solve this. It only makes things worse and quite frankly there is not too much you can do to stop the A from a jail cell.

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I think I might be reading here all day.

bump, please.

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Bump, since holidays can be some of the hardest days.

Hang in there.