SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I forgot one more detail. She's been apparently telling everyone that I don't do anything. I'm the lazy spouse and she picks up the slack. She takes credit for my accomplishments. That was very upsetting because it hits at my pride. Aside from running a farm full-time with little to no help, and running a business, I made time to cook whatever she wanted whenever she wanted at least three times a day. I'm not talking about hot dogs, but if it were hot dogs, I'd make the frank from scratch after butchering choice cuts, bake the bun, and make all the condiments while topping it off with whatever I was growing in the garden. I spent at least 2-3 hours a day on meal prep alone. Sometimes 4-5 hours on top of everything. To give you an idea, every day I had 2-3 loads of dishes to do in a standard household dishwasher. This for two people. She wanted potato chips, I was in the kitchen preparing kettle chips. An hour of labour for a bowl of chips. I don't think she ever appreciated any of it. My anger is turning into positive vibes because in the future, when I'm ready, I am going to find me a partner who is a chef. I can't imagine spending time with someone in any other activity. That's my dream.

This story grabbed my attention (do not come on here often at all anymore). Your wife sounds like a covert narc/con. I lived with one for 25+ years but had no idea until D Day. The hiding/siphoning money, mimicry, etc - the affair was the least of my problems by the end of it. The trauma experienced when the scales fall off your eyes, and you look back and put the pieces together, is hard to describe unless you've lived through it.
There was a poster called Sigyn from a year or so ago that had a long discussion about this, including personality disorders (somewhat different circumstances, but the personality type).
Communicate only through a lawyer, as advised. There is no sincere communication with someone like this (Richard Grannon quote).
Talk to doctor about meds for anxiety short term if you need to, and a breathing app (it took me a year to breathe normally again).
Blind to Betrayal Jennifer Freyd is a good read and explains how this can occur once you get your bearings.
I'm nearly 3 years out now, and I can almost laugh about how obvious my ex's fakery and bs is, although I didnt see it for decades.
You live and learn.

I am sorry you are going through this. If you don't have it already, get a monitor system that records. Your wife is trying to be the victim and I wouldn't be suprised she makes up stories of domestic violence. All communications should be monitored (I don't know the recording laws in you area-check with the laywer.)

I have read every post here and the support and advice has been spot on.

Your situation of cheating and financially draining your accounts is a double whammy. I am glad you did everything you could to protect yourself. Very smart move.

Here’s something you need to be careful of. This OM she is with sounds like he is very good at using women to support him.

When the $ runs out he moves on. Up and leaves. Off into the wind.

And that’s when you get the crying "remorseful" spouse who comes crawling back. Telling you it’s a mistake. It was all his idea and she had "no idea" what was going on.

Fortunately you have the facts ($ transfers) but don’t discount the attempt to play on your emotions and sympathy.

No contact with her is your best option. Because you know any interaction w/ her is filled with lies and deception.

Please just be prepared for her attempt to "return" to your home. Almost as if nothing happened. 😡

Faithfulache, how very sad this is, and how sorry I am that you have been treated so poorly. Everyone has given you their best advice, right up to when she comes crawling back. I don't know how to improve what others have said, but from your description, this woman has the kind of personality disorder that goes way back to before your time, and yes, it can be a developed response to childhood sexual abuse, which is often buried for decades until someone is ready to face it. The thing is, she sounds just callous as hell and frankly, scary. I am so sorry.

Another poster mentioned the possibility she had planned this for much longer than you imagine. You really don't need this pain in your life!

I married a farm boy from down under, but in 26 years he has seldom cooked a dish, never has seen dirt, clutter nor his tools and magazines he drops on every horizontal surface, etc. and I'm trying to R with a WH like this? I'm telling you that you sound like a dream of a H and it just isn't fair she couldn't appreciate any of the things you so generously offered her, when some of us never can have what you gave her and she tossed away.

Stay strong, and really know it was NOT anything wrong with you that caused her choices!

Thank you for all the kind words. I heard from the WW's sister today and she wanted to set up a phone meeting with me for WW to talk. She also indicated that my WW is in a fragile mental state and all the BS. I was so annoyed by it because she was making her sister come across as the victim. Sorry, I cheated on you, but it's all your fault.
She wanted to talk tomorrow but I said it wasn't in my best interest at the moment and directed her to my sister as my advocate for now. I sister has requested an agenda with questions to be asked and laid down the ground rules if and when I want to talk. What are people's thoughts here? Is this common for the cheater to play victim make me sound like I'm the big, bad guy? I feel kind of disgusted over it. It's like a court case I read a few years back where a woman struck a kid with her car, killing them, and turning around and suing the grieving family for emotional distress caused by the killing of the kid. Is it fair to say that she's playing victim here?

is this common for the cheater to play victim make me sound like I'm the big, bad guy?

It ain't just common brother, it's fucking textbook. She has to either be the victim or accept that she's behaving like a piece of shit.

Be very careful with any communication with her. Everything in writing so you have a record (or even better through your attorney). Do not meet with her anywhere that's not in public, and bring a voice-activated recorder whenever you do. It is very common for a wayward wife who's run off with the OM to try to paint her BH as an abuser. Protect yourself at all costs!

Thank you. It sure seems that's what she is going to try to pull. She said she left her previous husband because he was abusive, but I always got the funny impression that he was not. He didn't seem like that. Anyway, I don't want to diminish it if she was truly abused, but now I am questioning whether this is just a pattern. Her lover is the same guy that she hooked up with after she divorced her first husband, and then he borrowed a bunch of money from her and then cheated on her. I came into the picture after that and now she's back with that guy from before. Anyway, I think Im going to steer clear. My sister said it'd be better to get everything is writing instead, so lawyer just seems logical. The only thing I am concerned about right now is getting all the company files she password protected to "punish me" before she left, I guess. It's hard to do my job if I can't access the paperwork.

The only thing I am concerned about right now is getting all the company files she password protected to "punish me" before she left, I guess. It's hard to do my job if I can't access the paperwork.

I'd talk to your lawyer about that. I'm sure there's gotta be some sort of law to protect your business.

Anyway, I don't want to diminish it if she was truly abused, but now I am questioning whether this is just a pattern. Her lover is the same guy that she hooked up with after she divorced her first husband, and then he borrowed a bunch of money from her and then cheated on her. I came into the picture after that and now she's back with that guy from before.

Based on what you've said, I wouldn't be surprised (but I could be wrong), as it's fitting a pattern of behaviour and should further reinforce your need to protect yourself. It's very unfortunate that things like that do happen, and take away from those that are vulnerable and truly need our support and help.

This woman and her OM are dangerous.

[This message edited by SerJR at 8:18 PM, Saturday, October 28th]

Cheating alters brain chemistry. Cheaters, who are already compromised by psychological issues that predispose them to cheating, add more to their psychological plate once the cheating commences.

Cheating is very addictive. Cheaters behave much like addicts. Have you ever seen what happens when you interfere or get in the way of an addict and their next fix? They lash out, hatefully and sometimes violently. You’ll see daughters absolutely turning on their own mothers when their OxyContin is thrown out. Try pouring an alcoholic’s hooch down the sink drain. Cut off the line of credit to a gambling addict.

There was a comparison study done using PET-CAT scans of the brains of people in affair related limerence. Their brain scans were lit up like they were on methamphetamine.

You, the betrayed spouse, are getting in the way of their high. You’re Narcan to their heroin. You’re a total downer to their upper. You’re a reminder of how awful they are and the atrocities they’re committing. This also causes a cognitive dissonance, where their actions conflict with what remains of their morals and values. This causes great anxiety, a schism of the mind.

To pacify this, the cheater rewrites the narrative, the pretext for cheating, via the demonization of the betrayed spouse. This brings a relative peace of mind to the cheater that rationalizes their atrocities. They will then go on a propaganda PR campaign where they will character assassinate their victim in an effort to protect their status in social circles.

This adds a very cruel and ironic insult to incredible injury to the betrayed. It’s a ONE-TWO-THREE punch that seems to never let the betrayed spouse back up on their feet again. First the trauma of the discovered affair, the initial betrayal, then the blame shifting, followed by character assassination, followed by legal system abuses, followed by insulting comparisons with the AP and, in your case, followed by financial infidelity.

Like SerJR said so much more succinctly than I, they have to be the victim or accept that they are a piece of shit and, it is universally common-textbook behavior.

And her current behavior does seem, according to her history, to possibly be a reoccurring theme, a pattern of behavior.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:35 PM, Saturday, October 28th]

Very wise to have your sister talk to her as your advocate. Get your business and financials protected with your attorney as soon as possible. She is not a victim. Follow your attorneys advice. She and the OM are after your assets. Do not trust her. Communicate in writing and through your attorney. She and OM are dangerous and do not have your best interests at heart. If you talk in person have it recorded on your phone.

Is it fair to say that she's playing victim here?

Remember the old saying, "Busted,digusted and not to be trusted"? Thats your traitor of a "wife".

Stay 100% incommunicado with all communication to be directed to your attorney. I would NOT use family members as intermediaries, it just complicates things further.

Shes just squirming because the jig is up. Do not fall for any of this.

Busy right now but want to respond later.

Do not talk to her until you have spoken to a lawyer.

Also make sure you document all the stolen money.

Also make sure to write everything you are telling us down like not ordering feed and locking you out of the system.

It may help you with the business that she is actively stealing and sabotaging it.

FA,

I am surprised every time you post as the "new" information just worsens your situation.

So your wife cheated with this current OM/AP when she was married to her first Husband, cheated on her and left her. He also stole $ from her and dumped her.

And she’s letting it happen again. She has taken $ from you, given it to him and tried to steal your business from you.

And now she "wants to talk" and is playing the victim.

It smells to me like she is trying to come crawling back to you.

Your sister can run interference for a period but I suggest you only discuss things through your attorney. As others have stated she’s shady. And blaming you. And I’m wondering if her "Mr Wonderful" has dumped her now that she has no access or limited access to $.

How eerie - as my last post was a warning to watch out if she tries to come crawling back.

I know this may sound weird, but have any of you sought spiritual guidance through your ordeals? I'm not a religious person, but I was raised in the Catholic Church, went to Catholic schools until I got into university, was treated at a Catholic hospital, and even went on a mission to build housing for the homeless in a developing nation. I was turned away from the Church because of the scandal, but I never really questioned the teachings of Jesus. Something in my head is telling me I need to go seek guidance from a priest or pastor. It could be the lorazepam though. I have yet to run through the streets naked, so I don't think I've gone off the deep end. I just want to understand why this happens? Am I crossing into crazy territory or has this worked for anyone? My soul just feels so mangled right now.

I apologize if I offended anyone from the above comments. I respect everyone's spiritual beliefs and all the heathens too (Lol. Oh sorry. I got a little of my sense of humour back). I think thats the first time I smiled in days

Am I crossing into crazy territory or has this worked for anyone? My soul just feels so mangled right now.

Your path to healing is your path to healing, my friend. Take what works for you and find your strength and your self where you need to be.

ETA: to clarify - if you find attending mass or church event helpful for your healing, please do so. But for counseling, a trained therapist is best.

[This message edited by SerJR at 2:58 PM, Sunday, October 29th]

Something in my head is telling me I need to go seek guidance from a priest or pastor.

I too am a person of Christian (protestant) faith (not pushing ANY ideology) and understand your desire to seek spiritual guidance.

Here is where Id caution you. There are faith traditions whose bent is to push reconciliation at all costs. To lay side self preservation in hopes of some kind of miraculous future turn around in your traitorous partner's life all while you absorb blow after blow. I disagree with this for obvious reasons, especially in your case.

Now, if you want to seek help in the form of personal support and prayer to give you the strength to do what you must now that your spouse has gone completely rogue, thats one thing. In my experience, however, this is rarely limited to this, and the cleric of a faith tradition is so ensconced in their faith's stance on a subject that they cant help but push the agenda of their creed. My opinion is that, right now, you'd be better served seeing a good trauma recovery therapist to help see you through, again, not casting any aspersions to anyones faith tradition at all. Ive seen much damage done in the name of "turn the other cheek" counsel while you are being battered and scarred by an abusive spouse.

I prefer "stop casting your pearls before swine" in your case.

Just my opinion and I want to add that I have also seen tremendous good done by leaders of various faith traditions and groups. I am simply offering input on this particular isolated subject/application.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 1:10 PM, Sunday, October 29th]

I agree with doble traicion, I think you would be better looking for a therapist who has a speciality in helping people who have suffered trauma.

faithfulache, I felt the same need as you do. I too was raised in the Catholic Church but had not been for almost 30 years, until D-Day 1 when the sheer trauma drove me to seek a more spiritual path to help explain what had happened to my life!! So I did what you are contemplating doing, wrote my story down, made an appointment to sit down face to face with a parish priest and made my way back home, as they say.

However, I agree with what the last 2 posters are saying. You are in a traumatic situation and priests are not often therapists. In fact, it is a huge problem in the church's preparations for ordination. I do know of a few priests who have gone on to become counselors, but they are the exceptions.

Why not do both? Find a trauma-informed therapist and just get back to your roots spiritually. Don't let a flawed few ministers of the Gospel turn your life away from what He is offering.

Is this common for the cheater to play victim make me sound like I'm the big, bad guy?

Straight out of "The Cheaters Handbook". She has been told how wonderful she is by her AP and how dare you not see how special she is.

They will have family members reach out and ask "why are YOU destroying your family". Don’t fall for this bull shit. It’s manipulative and abusive.

As far as meeting with clergy, be careful because they will encourage you sweep this under the rug, forgive and forget with no consequences, guaranteeing she will do this again.

This is war, leave family out of it and work through an attorney. This is going to be a tough fight but you will come out better on the other side.