SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I understand that she is going through the fog and will give her time to make her choice.

That time you were giving her is a pretty huge gift, but it is not necessarily a helpful one.

She has a foot on the boat and a foot on the pier. My experience is that when you pull the boat away from the pier, they decide real fast.

If you use the time to figure out what YOU want, it may be a good idea. Knowing what you want comes first. If you decide you want D, what she wants fades to insignificance.

OTOH, if you want R, forcing her to make a choice may elicit a lukewarm decision to R, but the WS needs a very strong desire to R to stay the course.

If you want R, Bigger's reco makes the most sense to me: Tell her you want to be married to her, but that means not sharing her, leaving the room, and going for D if she doesn't pretty quickly drop her ap.

Not pretending, even on a day like tomorrow, is a GREAT decision, IMO. Honesty is a major step to owning yourself and healing. Taking care of your kids is positive; taking care of a wayward partner, negative in most cases.

Have you, or are you going to tell OBS?

I have not told the other OBS. Saving that as a nuclear option. I know she has not had contact with the AP. I know she has feelings for the AP still, especially with an abrupt end to the A. It's human nature, which sucks. I told her today that I will not share any part of her with someone else, even her mind. Told her I am "emotionally detaching" until she makes up her mind. Explained that I will not partake in the "pick me" dance or be #2. Also told her as where I stand now she has ruined my life. Pissed that she put my kid's mental health at stake, and any other unforeseen consequence from her self-centered and entitled choices. Said it calm and assertive, and seems like I hit a proper nerve.

Telling OBS isn't the nuclear option. It's the ethically correct thing to do. Quite simply, if you were being cheated on, you'd like to know. Not telling OBS is a tacit endorsement of deception as allowable and arguably makes you an accomplice in hiding the affair.

You really ought to tell OBS. Not because having two sets of eyes on them makes having the A harder. Not because it shows you mean business and have a backbone. Those are valid additional reasons. But ethics alone are sufficient.

"You can't handle it!"

On the way from MC one day I questioned the story again, because of things not making sense. My wife said, quite adamantly and loudly, "I'm telling you the truth, you can't handle the truth!"

Yeah, what I couldn't handle was the 9 year old contradictions between my memory, the story that I knew, the story I was being told, and the insistence that these contradictions we were my problem. Turned out I was being gaslighted by my wife with a false confession story, over months in MC.

Agree with others, she doesn't get to decide what you can or cannot handle.

Telling OBS isn’t nuclear option. OBS deserves to know, for her physical and mental health.

Won’t be surprised if AP has had multiple affairs and your WW is another notch. OBS deserves to know. It’s not your fault, but I feel like it’s your responsibility.

Tell her. If OBS had told me what she knew, it would have saved me 9 months of hell among many other things.

I agree that telling OBS is something you ought to do. That won't break up her M. Her WS's infidelity broke up her M.

I disagree with the idea that your life is ruined. She destroyed some illusions. She damaged and continues to damaga your child.

But you can lead a good life whether you D or R, just as you can lead an unfulfilling life whether you D or R. She hurt you. You'll carry scars. But no life is without trauma. You still have many paths open to you that will lead to a great life - for you and your child.

I know that is easier said than done I know you feel as if your life has been ruined. Give yourself some time. Be kind to yourself. A great life is eminently attainable.

I think what we mean when we say something like "you ruined my life" is "your actions have closed off the path that I had hoped my life would go". And that is a huge thing, not to be discounted. But the two are different. If we tell ourselves the first story, that our lives are ruined, we are prone to despair and resignation. We are forever victims. If we tell ourselves the second, we can grieve for the broken hopes and dreams and then pick ourselves up and find new paths that excite us. Dream new dreams. She’s not important enough to truly ruin your life, worst she can do on her own is darken a chapter.

Love that message you delivered to her, well done!

Told her I am "emotionally detaching" until she makes up her mind.

Gently now, but this has a hint of Pick-Me. It is saying that the WS wields the power in the relationship, as the decision is on them.

Reframe that to:

"Told her I am "emotionally detaching", and she has to make the effort to win me back."

This places the power balance in favour of the BS. The BS walks, and if the WS wants to stay in the BS life, they will have to make the effort to catch up.

If the WS makes no effort, the BS knows where the M is heading regardless of what the BS does as the WS has made up their mind. The WS does not follow because they are not willing to put in the effort.

Well almost another week in since DDay and it's the same BS everyday. Now she's turning to avoidance and wondering why the hell I don't feel like telling her how my day is and the small talk banter. She's still in self protect mode and finding other ways to feed her goddamn ego. Last night she was cooking for a pot luck at work. Her Dean gives awards for the best app, main, and dessert. Goddamn she was out to win it! Cooked for 3 hours and hasn't cooked a meal for the family in 3 and a half weeks! Before she went to sleep I told her I've never seen a person turn so self-centered and selfish! Fuck her feelings.

Goddamn she was out to win it!

Psst! Add a load of salt into the dessert, and hot sauce into the mains.....

Wj
Let me get this straight:
OM is a coworker so they possibly interact daily.
OM was an instructor and possibly a future instructor of your son.

Friend – I have never been accused of being "pro-divorce" on this (or any other) site. I have however repeatedly been labelled "pro-reconciliation."
I guess that for many simply thinking reconciling from infidelity is possible is enough to dish out that label. However... I have always insisted that reconciliation is so much more than just having your spouse not having sex with someone else. Right now, your wife is offering you crumbs off her table, contingent to the affair being kept secret and that you change all the behaviors that "made" her "have to" have an affair.
This simply isn’t going to work...

Frankly – right now you are your own marriages worst enemy.

Let’s use a comparison: Imagine your wife had a drinking problem. Like if she had one drink, she had a hard time refusing the second, third and twentysixth drink. If you were dealing with this then it would be crystal-clear to you that AT LEAST for the first year of sobriety she shouldn’t be around alcohol. In fact – if a family partakes in supporting a member sobriety they are advised to have an alcohol-free home for at least the first months. In your instance it’s like your wife worked at a winery, and then must deal with her alcoholism... If that were the case, would you be OK with sending her on a daily basis to work at a bar? If it was unavoidable, don’t you think it might help her if others knew of her addiction and could possibly steer her away from temptation and tempting situations?

On one of my first posts on your situation I referred to some unofficial stats that REPEATED experience on this site support regarding the odds of a relapse in the affair. Upon realizing they were coworkers I updated the stats – going from bad to worse:

Is less valid if he’s a coworker and they are in regular contact. The 70% goes up to 99%, and the 50% chance of her succumbing will go up to 90%. In other words: It’s near-inevitable that they will start the affair again. It’s only a question of how far and how deep it will be. It could be emotional, but it could also return to physical.

Friend – You will get all sorts of ethical justifications for why you should let his wife know. Frankly I’m not too much into that. The MAIN reason you let his wife know is because NOTHING you can or will do will end the affair and thereby possibly save your marriage. NOTHING AT ALL!

Yes – there will be fallout. Yes – she will huff and puff and tell you that NOW it’s over because of your actions. That hadn’t you told she was willing to accept you as a compromise or whatever... But that will blow over. But if you don’t want to grant OM free and unhindered access to your wife AND later on your son... You really need to tell his wife.

Last night she was cooking for a pot luck at work. Her Dean gives awards for the best app, main, and dessert. Goddamn she was out to win it! Cooked for 3 hours and hasn't cooked a meal for the family in 3 and a half weeks! Before she went to sleep I told her I've never seen a person turn so self-centered and selfish!

@WJBRENNAN

I suspect she is cooking for her OM, you said they work in proximity if I remember correctly.

You may want to listen to Bigger, he is not always right, but I have found him to be always be reasonable if not a little too kindhearted toward the cheating person.

Einstein was quoted about doing the same thing over and over again was definition of insanity. You seriously need to change the dynamics and one of the best steps is shine a big spotlight on them, the OM's wife is the most certain way to bring a light cannon to the situation.

[This message edited by hardyfool at 6:11 PM, Wednesday, May 15th]

Honestly exposing the A to the OBS should be a prerequisite to what steps to take after discovering an A. Are you worried about making your WS upset by this? Not only does it give that OBS their agency back, but it usually stops the A and any attempts to break NC. Light is shed on something that is thriving in the dark.

I know the meal wasn't for the OM. It is a end of the semester tradition, so that isn't a thought to me. They are employed at the same College, but their offices are across campus from each other. As far as alerting the OBS - I live in area where there are a lot of firearms. I'm afraid of having some crazy asshole shooting up the house or my place of business. Afraid of something happening to my kids. I don't care about pissing off my WS.

I’m, gently, your wife didn’t consider any of these safety concerns when she started her affair.

People kill spouses ll the time to be together, this is true. But if you look at how many people have affairs and how many end in homicide it’s very low statistically. Sometimes the bs even kills the ws.

I think you have to understand the wife of this professor may find out anyway. By telling her, even if your wife wanted to start back up the affair, he will be too busy trying to save his marriage. Statistically, women do not leave men for cheating at the rate men leave women for it. It happens, just not at the same rates. Lots of theories why but your chances re good that telling her is going to make him drop her as his ap too.

I agree the main reason is she deserves to know. If she found out but didn’t tell you how would you feel about that?

I know the meal wasn't for the OM. It is a end of the semester tradition, so that isn't a thought to me. They are employed at the same College, but their offices are across campus from each other.

@WJBRENNAN

I recall my time at university it was a large campus, getting across campus was easily achieved via walking, intra campus trolley bus or biking. Today, I imagine I could add electric scooter into the mix. What I'm saying is unfortunately obvious, anytime they want to be together they can be easily.

This meal tradition might be a cover, might be just the truth. However, honestly you do not KNOW he is not a factor in this multi hour culinary masterpiece. You are hoping he is not, but you do not know.

The only way to know is to shine the light of day on the situation and watch them scurry about...