Bestthing, I've had two different kinds of "recoveries." A couple or three of my postings up on this page I describe what life at home was like. That is a recovery or recoveries from your WH's point of view. Then, I've had to recover from almost every girlfriend that I've ever had cheating on me. Those are recoveries from your point of view. There are links between the two, and each one is different.
Without further ado, here we go with more answer than you questioned 
:
Recovering from the abuse, which I remember all of (I think, there are no signs of protective forgetting in me), took years. First, I had to realize that the abuse was abnormal.
That last sentence might seem weird to you. However, my earliest memories are of a sexual nature. I grew up with the abuse and being abused. I grew up being taught to lie about it to the outside world. It was my "normal," what I grew up with, what I knew. In fact, it was the only thing that I knew.
Growing up being taught to lie taught me to, well, lie. I lied well. I lied often. Children who grow up being abused learn to lie to others to protect themselves, their life, and by extension, their abuse and their abuser. It is what the child knows. That doesn't make it a pleasant life -but- it is the life that they're familiar with. So the children learn to lie to others and also learn to lie to the abuser. They lie to the abuser to protect themselves.
Recovering from all of this takes a long time and in cases where the abused has "forgotten," or compartmentalized, the abuse it may take even longer.
First, we have to really internalize that everything that we learned when we were young and learning is, in fact, a lie.
Second, we also have to get comfortable enough to start the work that would "break through the wall" and release all of that hidden childhood pain onto the CSA survivor. That can take - a while.
Third, we also have to throw away all of our learned, defensive, coping strategies and re-learn new ones. This is sort of like having to "forget" that you always look both ways before crossing a street. Or, like forgetting how to ride a bike and re-learning it. Very difficult stuff. This, too, takes a while to do.
He likely will have to work through grief and shame, too. Kids are selfish little buggers and think that the world revolves around them. Anything that goes wrong in that world is, then, their fault. He'll have to work through that misplaced responsibility. He'll have to work through grieving the little boy's loss of a normal childhood.
Fourth, after all of that, he's going to have to work through betraying your trust.
I listed those in an order, but that is not how it'll go in real life. He's going to be dealing with multiple things at once.
One more thing for you about him before we get going on the other answer to your question, this from your point of view. That is, if you really want him to heal -and- you want to talk over your betrayal with an adult who has a healthy adult's healthy coping mechanisms: You're likely to have to put most of the work on his A off for a while.
We have another poster in these threads who was in exactly your shoes - her H had been abused as a kid, had a massive flame-out when one of his multiple-personalities wanted to kill himself, and then an A was thrown into the mix. She had to put off dealing with the A while he got healthy enough to deal with the A. Start on page one of this thread and read a while and you can probably figure out who she is.
Now, answering the question from the BS point of view...
Remember that I've never successfully R'ed. I've tried but one was lying about things and the other was, well, uninterested in R and lying about things. This will unavoidably color my perspective.
What helped me the most was:
1) Realizing that they weren't the prize.
2) Realizing that if their lips were moving they were lying.
3) Realizing that the continued lies were, in fact, deal breakers.
4) Realizing that living alone was better than living with them.
5) NC. No Contact equals No New Hurts. NC, NC, NC, and then NC some more.
The second time I wrote down a list, one item per line, of their actions and their lies. Then, anytime I had a positive though about xWGF I would end the thought by reading random items from the list. That kills love and regard pretty quickly, it does.
Both times I started doing things that would not have been possible for me to do while in the relationship. I started saving money after xWW. I got out of debt. I'm debt-free right now except for a couple of suits that I haven't picked up yet. I even pay more on my taxes than I have to so I get a return every year and thus don't really have to worry about coming up with money on April 15th.
I started learning how to do things that I didn't know before. I'm a mean recipe-follower ! I'm not a cook because I can't come up with amazing original stuff, but I can follow a recipe with the best of 'em. I tried new hobbies. I read new books in new genres. I started having better relationships with my kids.
I also discovered that my picker is broken. I am not responsible for women in my life cheating -but- I am responsible for picking, for allowing, the women in my life to -be- in my life.
My xWW was, in many ways, a spitting image of my abusive mother. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally.
xWGF, and other, more minor women in my dating life, had similarities, too. Things that I now know are Red Flags. I didn't know it then so those women made it into my life, but I know it now and if I were to meet them new today, well, I wouldn't date them.
Does this help at all?
