SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,
So 9 years after DDay my husband has come to me and asked for a divorce because what we had before he broke it was perfect but he doesn’t want to be old when we divorce and have to start over then. He convinced me to stay be a stay at home mom with 2 boys and asked me to ruin my credit so he could run for county office position. Not to mention one of our boys is autistic but it’s time he puts himself 1st. He tried absolutely everything and my thoughts on the situation don’t matter. Luckily I was able to get help from my family and get out of there and get a decent job for my situation overall but other than my boys I regret ever trying to make it work. He had another girl lined up who left her husband and 2 daughters as well but I never even asked or reacted to any of it. Both our hometown was 3 hours from where we were living and he is a big fish in a little pond that would have continued to run my life if I didn’t move back and his family is here 2. I guess I’m struggling with realizing he was never what I thought he was. I have been with him since I was 15 and I’m 35 and I’m just now realizing the emotional abuse I experienced. It is also hard when I’m told and understand people only treat us the way we let them but he started molding me when I was 15 into seeing him as my life raft. I know I’m in stages of grief and believe I’m in anger now and that isn’t me but it is right now. How can he not want to move back home as well to be close to the boys especially when the resources for autism are so much better? How is only ever other weekend enough on seeing them and even then he still is seeing them at my house or his mothers? Why is some other woman more important to his family? Was I perfect? No I wasn’t I have struggled with a lot since dday but he never made me feel safe. He made it clear after a certain point I was no longer supposed to have feelings about the affair and if I still did that was my problem. I bent myself so much to try to be what he wanted but I was always in the wrong. Idk I just don’t know how to feel or think. I don’t know how money wise we will get by. I have to be able to be home when my autistic son is and I got a job at the school but it is part time. It is just all crazy.

I am so sorry for you. I understand your pain and would give you a hug - so for now a virtual hug just has to do.

Two things I’d like to point out.

You met him at a very young age — which is both a plus and minus. He took advantage of you b/c he could. Due to your age and not much dating experience, you trusted him and did everything a wife would. That is a marriage. Give and take. Have each other’s back.

But not having much dating experience you may not have seen the red flags. Maybe they were there. Maybe you were not aware of them early on but there may have been very subtle signs.

But please know he would have most likely done this to anyone he was married to. He sounds very selfish and manipulative. And that doesn’t happen overnight. It’s not a "you" thing / it’s a "him" thing.

It is shocking to a regular decent person that someone can be ok with seeing their kids on a very limited basis. Absolutely an awful excuse for a human being - and only a totally selfish jerk does something like that.

I’m sorry you are struggling with so much on your plate. Please continue to post here and get support. Find a good counselor for yourself if you can. There are books and podcasts out there for you. The Healing Library here at SI has wonderful resources for you.

Just know the older and wiser you would have seen through him. And run from him as fast as possible. He took advantage of you and as you said, groomed you from an early age. In your healing you need to see him for who and what he is.

And see yourself for who and what you are. A hero for your kids.