Millgirl (original poster member #54567) posted at 8:37 PM on Sunday, November 3rd, 2024
I'll try to make a long story short...my divorce to a serial cheater has been final for just over 3 years now. I have a new, wonderful life and feel as though I'm pretty well healed and moved on. I have a new conundrum that I would be very grateful for new perspectives on! My ex and myself had been together for 20 years since we were teens so most of our friends were mutual friends. One mutual friend I had met through my ex as they went to highschool together. Around the same time that I discovered my ex's final affair and started the divorce process this mutual friend was also going through the same situation. This was 4 years ago. This friend and I became rather good friends and helped each other through our similar situations. Over time we realized that we had developed feelings for each other and stopped the whole thing as we were both going through divorce and just decided it wasn't right. Fast forward 4 years later and we have reconnected. He is wonderful and I intend to pursue a relationship with him. It is long distance now and we have plans to spend a weekend together in a few weeks. My ex and I are finally at a really good co-parenting place and I don't want to mess that up but there is no way I am passing up this chance at a good thing either. Am I awful for going after this? How and when should I break the news to my ex?
Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 1:23 AM on Monday, November 4th, 2024
OK, I'll bite...
They say we tend to fall into "patterns" that lead us into the kind of relationships we are "familiar with." Whether that's been good for us, or disastrous for us.
Just my gut feeling: if you pursue this you will always have the legacy of your XWH hovering around in the background, and maybe that contamination is something you don't really mind? Like...unfinished business? Really, it's pretty common to want to "strike back" through having a New Beginning that the X finds out about.
I think I would want to delve way deeper into my "why do I want to pursue THIS particular man?"
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 7:53 PM on Monday, November 4th, 2024
You don’t owe an Ex an explanation.
Period.
It’s been years and you can choose to say "I’m keeping my private life private."
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 1:22 PM on Friday, November 8th, 2024
You don’t owe an Ex an explanation.
This
What are the ages of your children?
With this being long-distance, I would think you would have a lot of time to get a feel for this relationship before it got to the point of intermingling him with your children (ie and having to make the decision of telling your ex).
BUT with their being mutual friends, the chance of it getting back to him quickly is high even if you do not have this NG around your children yet.
Do you anticipate your ex being an azz about it ("I always suspected something there.....etc)?
Bottomline is your have to do what is right for YOU and your children. I think I would consider what will happen to that relationship with the NG if it doesn't work out. I.e., are you willing to risk losing him as a friend, etc?
