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It was only a matter of time, but when it finally happened, I was completely frozen: I ran into my WH’s AP. And her BS. It happened during the break of an event, and I was there alone. Instead of walking past them with my head held high or looking her in the eye, I spent the entire break wandering around like a kicked dog.

My first instinct was simply to get away. But my next thought was: I’m not going to let her ruin this event for me. And yet, I ended up crying through the rest of the evening. It was just horrible seeing her standing there, fully real and physically present. That was so different from all the abstract thoughts I’d had over the past months.

This was already two weeks ago, but ever since then I’ve been having nightmares every night. In every single one of them, I act out my negative feelings physically: I push her, hit her, or scratch her face.

It’s destroying me that I have no control over this. And that she still has power over me.

Have any of you experienced something like this? How did you deal with it?

Wow, what an ambush. Don't beat yourself up over how you reacted. Your reaction was perfectly normal. You struggled through it, and made it. Doesn't matter how you get over the finish line, you stayed and that's a win.

And maybe the nightmares aren't that she has power over you still, maybe it's more like an immuno-response that will pass. Like a fever burning up the virus.

I haven't experienced this, but I live in the same city as AP, so it's possible, and at some of the large public events (like movies at the park), I wonder if I might encounter her. I am a nonviolent person in practice, but the only time I've had the urge to hit someone was the idea of seeing AP in the immediate months after DDay.

I don't think 2 weeks is much time to get over a shock and a trigger like that. Go back to your basics: find ways to remind your nervous system that you are safe from her. Let the emotions flow through you rather than fighting them. Spend 5-10 minutes being actively mindful of your surroundings (5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, etc.). Get enough exercise so that you can sleep well. And also, forgive yourself for the nightmares. Our instincts come from an ancient time. It's okay to have the feelings as long as you aren't acting upon them.

How are things with your WH? Is he aware of what happened? Is he understanding and empathetic to your reaction and nightmares? If he's avoiding dealing with it, or if you haven't told him, that repression is going to make the situation worse for you.

CantBeMeEither

And maybe the nightmares aren't that she has power over you still, maybe it's more like an immuno-response that will pass.

I hope you are right!

NoThanksForTheMemories

I used to do mindfulness excercises in my IC but after some time started skipping it. You are absolutely right that this could help right now. Thanks for reminding me!

As for my WH: We'd actually had a fight before the event. But the moment he found out what had happened, all of that just disappeared. He was incredibly empathetic and immediately told me how sorry he was that I had to go through that on my own.

(I have to admit, though, I was kind of relieved that the AP didn't get another chance to feast her greedy eyes on him that way...)

We talked a lot about how seeing her was literally the physical embodiment of the affair, and what that did to me emotionally.

First and foremost, don't shame yourself for the reaction that you had.

If someone you loved was jumped in the street and stabbed 20 times, would you fault them for being paralyzed and devastated if they ran into their attacker? Would you tell that loved one that they were giving that attacker too much power by reacting that way?

I suspect not. You would probably comfort that loved one and tell them that their reaction was only natural and that they still have a lot of pain and trauma they need to work through.

So give yourself the same love and kindness. You were violently attacked. Not physically, but emotionally. And despite that, the OW is still married and still out there participating in society. It's an injustice. Your nightmare reflect a desire to inflict some well-deserved punishment on her.

Now I have a few questions: Was your husband with you? How did he react (either at the event or when you told him)? What comfort did he offer you? What is your plan going forward if you see her again?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:34 PM, Thursday, August 6th]

He was incredibly empathetic and immediately told me how sorry he was that I had to go through that on my own.

Isn't he sweet...

I hope her BS knows the whole picture and isn't walking around with her on his arm in ignorance.

To answer your question, I've never once laid eyes on him again and that is for the best for everyone's sake.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 3:18 PM, Thursday, August 6th]

BluerThanBlue

I really appreciate your kind words. I have seen myself as highly functional for my entire life (as that was what was expected). So it is sometimes hard for me to give myself some grace.

As for my WH: We'd actually had a fight before the event. But the moment he found out what had happened, all of that just disappeared. He was incredibly empathetic and immediately told me how sorry he was that I had to go through that on my own.

(I have to admit, though, I was kind of relieved that the AP didn't get another chance to feast her greedy eyes on him that way...)

We talked a lot about how seeing her was literally the physical embodiment of the affair, and what that did to me emotionally.

I honestly don't know if the next encounter will be easier. Should I ignore her? Confront her? Laugh in her face? Speak to her BS only (who also cut me off immediately after D-Day - I assume, he didn't want me to destroy his faith in his wife's account of what happened).

7m46s

It was just horrible seeing her standing there, fully real and physically present.

This makes complete sense because she stopped being an idea or a name connected to the affair and suddenly became a real person standing in front of you in a place where you were not prepared and freezing does not mean she has power over you -it means your body recognised danger before your mind could organise a response and that is not weakness.

Should I ignore her? Confront her? Laugh in her face? Speak to her BS only

I would decide this before you ever see her again because trying to choose in the moment is too much when your nervous system is already flooded and for me the safest plan would be no performance and no confrontation unless there is a real reason. Head up, eyes forward, one calm sentence if needed and then remove yourself with dignity - perhaps something like "I am not engaging with you" is enough if she approaches as she does not deserve more of your energy than that. The aim is not to show her you are fine or make her feel small - the aim is to protect your peace and remind yourself that you are allowed to take up space without being dragged into their mess again.

DRSOOLERS

I hope her BS knows the whole picture and isn't walking around with her on his arm in ignorance.

It was his own choice. I reached out several times but he had blocked me on all channels. I am sure she had her story ready and he obviously decided to play along. I'm sure the truth will catch up with him sooner or later.

[This message edited by 7m46s at 3:54 PM, Thursday, August 6th]

ButterflyInProgress

I would decide this before you ever see her again because trying to choose in the moment is too much when your nervous system is already flooded

.

Fully agreed!

Head up, eyes forward, one calm sentence if needed and then remove yourself with dignity - perhaps something like "I am not engaging with you" is enough if she approaches as she does not deserve more of your energy than that. The aim is not to show her you are fine or make her feel small - the aim is to protect your peace and remind yourself that you are allowed to take up space without being dragged into their mess again.

Sigh. That's what I'd like to be able to do. But when the panic kicks in, being the bigger person goes out the window, unfortunately...

There are ways that can help desensitize you to her.

You can role play, for example. Stand in front of a mirror and pretend you’re encountering her. Practice facial expressions. Practice what you might think - and make those thoughts STRONG and loud in your mind. Make the thoughts self-supporting, such as "I will not give trash any power" or "I am a rock".

Practice those things aloud, so you hear and say them to yourself enough that they are automatic.

You can also get a photo of her, and say these things to that.

I know how hard this is. My husband’s AP was a political figure, and constantly in the news or in meetings where he or I had to be. Thank the gods she was voted out.

5Decades

My husband’s AP was a political figure, and constantly in the news or in meetings where he or I had to be.

I cannot imagine how hard this must have been for you. So sorry you had to go through that on top of the infidelity!

I will not give trash any power.

That sentence resonates strongly. Thanks for that!

As bad as this experience was, the positive side is that it gave your husband the opportunity to demonstrate kindness, sympathy, and support--especially since you had an argument before the event and needed to re-establish your connection.

I also think you should take the fact that you had a fight before the event should be taken into account when gaging your reaction to the sight of OW. You were already pissed off at your WH and were emotionally off balance, so it's only natural that seeing her when you did would set off a bomb in your limbic system.

I like 5Decades's advice. But beyond simply ignoring OW if you see her, imagine that she's made of transparent plastic and just look through her-- as if her existence doesn't register on your radar. There is nothing you can say or do to her that would be more devastating than that.

As painful and broken as you felt after you saw OW, the restraint that you showed in not confronting OW preserved your dignity and also was a favor to the OBS. If you had made a Jerry Springer-esque scene at this event, OBS would've no doubt been hurt and humiliated to have his private suffering made public for spectators. Perhaps worse, he would've felt obligated to defend her. Don't give OW the opportunity to play victim with the OBS.

Lastly, I think there's a very good chance that OW and OBS had a very uncomfortable moment after seeing you, too. They might put up a solid, united front in public, but you have no idea what's going on behind closed doors.

BluerThanBlue

Lastly, I think there's a very good chance that OW and OBS had a very uncomfortable moment after seeing you, too. They might put up a solid, united front in public, but you have no idea what's going on behind closed doors.

That. They were alle smiles and giggles when they went back inside. But I couldn’t help thinking that they were putting up a show.

And yes, for my husband and me it was a tiny moment of closeness. I am convinced that he, too, would have been thrown off balance by the sight of her. When we talked about the encounter later, I felt heard, seen and understood by him.

7m46s
I can truly empathize with you,especially if the infidelity was recent. Although, time doesn't necessarily make it easier.

We were very young when my wife had a brief affair with her boss.(physical yes, emotional, probably to some extent) She confessed and wanted to get passed it, (rug sweep) and I froze up and couldn't communicate. Strong family connections between both our families. No one learned of the affair.

My first encounters with the AP were on the phone. This preceded cell phones.I would call my wife at work midday not everyday,but, usually. Her job was to field the office calls, if not her another lady was next in line. A few occasions neither picked up and her AP answered. I was forced to ask for her which made me sick.

Several years passed and she hasn't worked there for some time. She has been a stay at home mom managing our household, with perfection I might add. I was working in a town several miles south of us, looking to grab lunch before returning to my normal work base. When I pulled over to park along the curb, I looked up to see AP jogging across the street to enter the deli I was going to. I knew he lived in this town but being so long ago I wasn't thinking of the affair or him. He could have touched my truck, and likely did as he passed in front of me. This was no less than 15 years after the affair. I froze and had a panic attack. That hadn't happened in a very long.

No discussion with wife, she didn't handle these situations well. I just swallowed like always and got passed it. No lunch that day.

Fast forward another 20 years and I passed this guy again in a resort community, not far from the deli of years ago. I was dumbfounded for I thought he had moved away many years ago. Totally different situation this time.

A crescendo of events happened about ayear before. As I was nearing retirement, looking forward to reconnecting with my wife, (empty nesters now), we were growing apart for awhile. Add in a cardiac event for me, learning my daughter was cheated on multiple times and has several children, put me right back where I was nearly 40 years ago. Concurrent to this two close friends were learning of there own wives betrayals. One of which was a double betrayal by his best friend. And I couldn't help them because I had to protect myself, no one else knew our story. Ifelt worse than I did in the early 1980s.

This time I got help. I said to myself Im not going through this alone again. Regardless whether my wife would participate or not I have to fix myself, and I have.

There was little help back then for infidelity trauma. In fact PTSD, I dont think had been understood or defined yet. Certainly not with infidelity. It was during my therapy/healing I learned how the trauma adds up on itself. While the infidelity was going on and the subsequent rug sweeping, at the same time I was experiencing trauma as a first responder. This is nothing to minimize. It really affects your quality of life. Get whatever help you need.

Recently I saw the AP at a store near my home. I dont think he recognized me and I don't care. Years ago I would have been overcome with fear and anxiety. Get the help you need. Don't waste precious time you have left.

BOAZ367

Your post really moved me. It’s yet another reminder of how important it is to truly work through this trauma - even if you consider yourself high-functioning and have spent your whole life getting through every crisis by just putting your head down and powering through.

I’m currently in IC and will be back in MC soon with my husband. Today, for the first time, I was able to talk to my therapist about that encounter with the AP and about the anger that showed up in my dreams.

The first thing she said was, "That’s an absolutely appropriate emotional response." It sounds so simple, but I have a tendency to beat myself up whenever I’m not "functioning" the way I think I should. So hearing those words was incredibly validating.

She also said I need to find ways to express that anger while I’m awake, so it doesn’t come back to haunt me at night. She suggested things like blasting hard rock music and moving to it, hitting a punching bag, or grabbing some dark crayons and just scribbling on a pad of paper (not trying to make anything, just letting the energy come out).

She keeps reminding me that trauma and all the emotions that come with it are stored in the body. That’s where the healing has to happen, too. We have to meet those emotions where they live.