10 ways to be an honest person, the 7th will blow your mind

Actually I'm being a troll. There's only one way of being an honest person. But it's not easy. And for someone like me who has spent their entire life surrounded by lies; big ones, little ones, somewhere in the middle ones. I've had to learn to be honest with my lies too. I'm never going to completely remove the rock that pulls at me from reaching the finishing line of telling the truth. But I can adjust every time I fail.

It's a really simple trick. My therapist helped me with it.

It's ok to fail.
That's it.

It's ok to fail. Just acknowledge that you did. Tell the other person that you've just lied. Apologize and then tell the truth. Practice makes perfect :)

At first, it took me days to gather enough courage to acknowledge that I've lied. Then it took me a few hours. And now I can acknowledge it after a couple of minutes. That's why healing takes time. Because it takes practice and lots of hard work.

I don't lie often anymore. It's a compulsion I've managed to break. And the only trick is just telling the truth. The one way to being an honest person.

It's funny to me sometimes how much my therapist just simply said things that make sense. But I guess it takes a healthy mind to understand.
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Not really sure why I'm sharing. It's kinda late and I've not been able to sleep lately and maybe the understanding that it's ok to fail might help someone. If it does. You're welcome :D

1 comment posted: Friday, October 22nd, 2021

I'm not honest to my wife

I'm honest to myself.

Sorry, it's a bit of a clickbaity title.

A few of the threads here lately have got me thinking. Why did I tell my wife I stole most of our savings? Why did I tell my wife I was having an affair?

The easy answer of course is, she caught or she would've caught me. But I don't necessarily think that's true. To be honest, it's not that hard to lie (sorry, I'm known for my bad puns). I could've mitigated the situation, lied about my affair, taken a loan (obviously lie about that) and in the end smooth the entire thing over. I knew I needed work on myself. I went into therapy. I could've been a better person and my wife would be none-the-wiser. She'd have the marriage she always thought she had. And, believe it or not, I really think that's a viable, realistic option. One last lie to hold inside so I could help the one I hurt. So why didn't I?

I got tired of hurting other people. And mostly I got tired of hurting myself. I'm not honest to keep my marriage (as I said, less pain most likely if I lied) - I had to let go of it, to accept divorce as an option. And so I can't and won't tell other people to be honest in order to save their relationship. There's no guarantee of a happily-married ending with honesty.

But I wanted to be honest because I believe that that is the right thing to be regardless of the outcome. In the end for me "no secrets" means "no burden". And no burden is the easiest burden to carry. And a good programmer, as the saying goes, is a lazy programmer :)

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 3:52 PM, December 13th (Sunday)]

6 comments posted: Sunday, December 13th, 2020

What I miss...?

I was going to post this in the thread made by Micky500 but I don't think it belongs there and I didn't want to muddy the responses. So I decided to do it here.

What do I miss?

I thought deeply about this question. I spent 6 years lying to my wife, driving us into a hole we were barely able to escape. And another 3 or 4 months having an affair.

I honestly don't miss anything that I've "lost". The good memories that we had, they still exist. The look of trust in her eyes? I was never worthy of it back then anyway. The trust itself? it will build back - and though it'll never be implicit, I don't mind because it means I can always strive to be a little bit better. And if things don't work out? I know she's strong. I know I'm strong. And I know life goes on.

What I am is grateful. Every day. For her grace and her love. For every step I take with myself and with her. For making sure that the price we paid for my decisions is not wasted idly. And for a hundred million little things every day that exist.

74 comments posted: Monday, November 9th, 2020