BW D-Day: 12/07/19 (PA) Married 25 years Together 30 years Daughter 21, Son 18

Dating

So conflicted, I am BW, he is the WH (3 month afair from Oct-Dec. 2019) I filed for divorce on May 5th, my state has a 60 day cooling off period before anything to go to the judge, which at the earliest could have been this week, but his lawyer is putzing around with the negotiations (which are fairly simply and everything is 50/50).

STBXWH is already dating! Even though he keeps telling me he didn't/doesn't want a divorce. He says its because he hates being alone, and that they aren't good dates anyway because they aren't me.

He got onto a dating app, prior to mid June (I knew because his apps downloaded onto my phone-so I asked him about the 2 dating apps that showed up on my phone). I have fixed this now, but still I know.

I am no way ready to date, and he already is. He has told me I should try it to keep busy (ugh). I told him I was not at the point to date and that I wasn't sure how to trust anyone.

Just a vent! And maybe I should start dating? Maybe it will help my self esteem (or hurt it). I don't know!

Ugh. Divorce sucks but being with an unfaithful spouse sucks worse.

Michelle

7 comments posted: Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Loneliness and Decision Making

I wasn't sure what to title this, but I wanted input from other members. I am the BW. I filed for divorce May 5 and had moved out of our home at the beginning of April. This was after 15 months of trying to reconcile our 25 year marriage after I found out that WH had a 3 month affair on Dec. 7, 2019. This (moving out) was also after a few months of anger from him and fighting and words said to me that I can't forget.

Overall he hadn't worked on himself much during those 15 months of reconciliation, but he did tell me many times what he needed from me. I went to counseling and did EMDR and worked on me. We tried 2 attempts at marriage counseling with no success. Once I moved out he delved into IC and was going sometimes 2 times a week. Now of all times he finally tried to work on himself.

From when I moved out to end of May we had little contact with each other, except for some texts. I started joining some groups and doing things I wanted to do. Many times in the texts, he told me he didn't want the divorce and wanted to work things out. But, I was just done, done trying, done being mad, done crying, done with him and our marriage. I don't hate him, I just felt that the marriage had run its course and that I would never look at him the same, nor be able to trust him (not necessarily that he would cheat, but that I couldn't trust him with what he was saying to me was the truth....felt like he just tried to tell me what I wanted to hear etc.... )I also wanted to be able to find me, I felt that over the years, I lost my identity and stopped enjoying things.

Our youngest DS graduated last weekend, Mat 29th, and the day before STBXH and myself met for lunch to discuss grad party and stuff. then the next day our oldest DD (21), myself, and STBXH went to graduation ceremony and to lunch, and did some errands together. This was very hard emotionally on me, because it was if we were a family again.

Now comes to last night and today. We are having a grad party jointly today (Sat June 5th) for our son. Yesterday I went over and helped set up for the party. Then, last night we went to a mutual friends daughter grad party together and then to dinner. It was nice, we can talk pretty easily and at times it feels like old times. then on the way to my apartment to drop me off, he started to tell me that if I have any doubts about impending divorce that he wanted to be with me. I couldn't really respond. Then after drop off, he texted me about how he still loves me. I told him that drinking (which I had 3 glasses of wine) that my thoughts were muddled and I can't make any decisions at that time.

Anyways, I can't decide now that after 2 months away and due to being an empty nester and feeling alone if it is just that, which makes me want to contemplate a 2nd chance or if I should stick with the proceedings of the divorce. I think I have a lot of fear of being alone that I don't want that to muddle my thoughts with trying yet again for reconciliation.

Today will be another difficult day at the grad party for our DS.

17 comments posted: Saturday, June 5th, 2021