BW is bad mouthing me to the kids

So my STBXBW is bad mouthing me to the kids. I am the WH. We were having another conversation about custody today. Afterwards I told her I needed to talk to her about something. I started off tell her that when I speak to the children about her, it’s alway in the highest regard. I praise her to the kids. I even go as far as making excuses for her when she’s not present and always remind them that she loves them very much. I then told her that I didn’t like her bad mouthing me to them. She responded with, I’ve never done that. I told her that she did, she told my daughter that I am a liar. That I lie and to never believe anything daddy says. Her response to that was, well I’m not going to lie to them about you, I’m always going to tell them the truth, she said. I then asked her why she had to argue the fact with our 6 year old. She responded with, no I didn’t. I then had to tell her I heard the whole thing so that she could stop denying everything. My daughter kept telling her that daddy is not a liar, my wife kept insisting that I am. They were going back and forth for at least 5 minutes. My wife finally said that she’s known me for 16 years so she knows me more. My daughter wouldn’t accept that. This is going on with a 6 year old. It ended only cause my wife had to meet some people in her video game.

I found my daughter downstairs and she was sad. I asked her what happened. She told me mommy said you are a bad man, but you’re not and she won’t believe me. Told me that my wife never listens to her. I told my wife about this conversation and her only response was that it was her daughter too and she was never going to lie to them. I was trying to explain to her what she’s doing to the kids. My daughter recently started throwing tantrums and reverting to a baby. My son is wetting himself. They are not ok, and we really need to be working together. She just stared at me as I’m telling her this. I hit her with the, you always tell me how important the kids are to you, prove it!

I know that things get hard during a D and custody. What else can I do to stop this? What else should I say? How can I help my kids?

24 comments posted: Monday, June 7th, 2021

My BW made a PowerPoint presentation

My BW put a presentation together about why she should keep the kids. It was all I, I, I, me, me, me. It was all emotional based and no facts. She made really silly statements. Things like the kids prefer her, or she has a more emotional bond, and she could take care of them better.

My BW has checked out of parenting a long time ago. I’ve talked to therapist before about why the kids want to gravitate towards her. They’ve told me it was the reason I did, because we are trying to get something we are lacking: attention. They get everything they needed from me. Attention, love, you name it. There is nothing lacking. She brought up the fact that the kids would rather get baths from her. I’ve talked to my kids about that. Their answer: cause mommy never wants to give us baths. I can count on one hand how many times since the kids were born that she bathe them. And the fact that she says she takes better care of them is just ridiculous when I’m the one that does the cooking, cleaning up after them, the laundry, everything schooling, grocery shopping, medical visits, pretty much everything.

She asked me, so you don’t think I can do any of that? I said no, you haven’t done any of it. She talked about how she used to do so much. And yes, she did the shopping and the cooking. But all that started slowing down. Then we had the second child and it was just hard for her. I took over so much, then I got 100% of all the task. Which I’m not complaining about and never did. I am the father after all, but 100%?!

She asked what I thought she did all day. I told her, you play so much video games. She said, but I stopped. Why did you stop I asked. Because you told me the kids had a problem with it, she said. I told her that about 5 months ago. She stopped on Wednesday. Then told me it was my fault for buying her the game. I didn’t think she would be playing 8 hours a day. But before the gaming she literally binged watch 8 tv series, before that she would spend hours on social media, before that she would spend hours playing some mobile video game. She would always just rather do other things.

The rest of the presentation she spent days on was horrible. She gave me a 50 mile radius of where she might live, didn’t mention logistics, like who is dropping off the kids at school picking them up while she works a 12 hour day, Didn’t even mention a specific school, just a list of the 10 best schools in the 50 miles radius, and the fact that those schools have AP classes (like most schools), and a list of fun things to do living closer to Los Angeles, and the fact that is closer to her family. And by closer, I mean an hour away in Los Angeles traffic. And also, the family she has told me countless times that she hates, the family she tells me she was glad to be able to get away from, the family she never trusted with the kids who will now be involved in taking care of the kids if she gets her full custody.

I can tell you exactly where I will be living, the exact neighborhood. School start times, the kids schedule. I got the ok from work to have a hybrid schedule that allows me to be home when the kids are not in school. The family members that have been on the emergency release forms that have been on those same forms since they started school, family members we have always trusted.

I’m asking that they stay with me during the week, weekends they could do all that fun stuff on that list she made of fun attractions near LA. During summer and winter break we switch the schedule around where she gets them during the week. I don’t know why she is fighting this so much. She asked me if my plan was fair. I answered none of this is fair. It’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to me, and it’s especially not fair to the kids. We are just trying to figure out the best solution. She said I was trying to take the kids away. I had to assure her that they are our kids, and no one is taking them away from anyone.

She wants to come up with an agreement so that she doesn’t have to pay an attorney 400/hour, but she’s not really willing to work with me so I don’t know what she expects.

Can I hear from others dealing with this?

27 comments posted: Sunday, May 30th, 2021

Moving into divorce section

I am not a new member. Unfortunately I have lost my login to my email and can’t retrieve the login to my old SI account without access. So, I have to start over. I originally went under the name YoNoTengoAlegria. So here is quick rundown of my story.

I had a PA with a girl back in 2008. We went out a handful of times and were sexual twice. At the time I was dating my now BW, soon to be XW(sorry, don’t know the exact code) relationship with OW ended start of 2009. Asked my BW to marry me, we got married in the summer of 2010. Fast forward to 2018, the OW contacts me on social media. We continue to chat for a few months and phone calls. In a message, the girl brings up what we did. My BW see this message. I was in no way trying to rekindle anything, but it was stupid either way. The first PA was stupid, hiding it was stupid, the messages 10 years later were stupid. I am an idiot for what I did. Since DDay, I worked hard on myself, went through so much therapy. I really did become a changed man, a better husband. But it didn’t matter, the damage was done and no matter what I did, my wife would never accept me. I tried for 3 years, but nothing I did matter. I was punished everyday, my wife was just mad at me everyday.

Well, my wife has finally decided to give up, she doesn’t want to stick around anymore and asked for a divorce. As much as I don’t want it, I said yes. So I found a lawyer right away and I started the paper work.

So this is where I really need help understanding. My wife is asking for full custody with alternating weekends. She plans to move 2 counties over and take the kids. Here is my problem. Yes, I did those things, I had an A. But since my kids were born, I’ve pretty much been the primary caregiver. I’m the one that cooks at home, I’m the one that does all the laundry, I am the one who sits and does virtual schooling with them. Before that, I was the one picking them up and dropping them off at school. I take them to all medical appointments, dentist, check ups, vaccinations. I am the only one that communicates with the teachers and school. I was the one that helped on all school projects. I am the one that bathes them, help brush their teeth, puts them to bed.

What did my wife do while I did all that? She worked durning the day, in the late afternoon and evenings she either spent hours on social media, binged watched entire series or played video games until 2 in the morning. I didn’t have time to do any of that. I was busy trying to get my work hours in while taking care of the house, the kids, the dogs.

So why all of a sudden does she want to have full custody? I don’t get it?

My plan is to keep them in their current school, current district during the week. She gets weekends. Then when summer and winter vacation comes, we switch. Her job gives her 6 weeks of vacation a year. That works out so well. Also, my next home, the kids school and my office are all literally 10 minutes away from each other. I will be volunteering at the kids school, and going on class trips. My boss has given me the ok to have a hybrid type schedule to be able to take care of the kids. I won’t need anyone’s help. Unfortunately, I will have to downsize to a 2,000 sq foot home, but at least it has 3 bedrooms to fit all of us.

My wife on the other hand wants to move north of Los Angeles area. She can’t buy, so she will be renting a small 2 bedroom apartment. It is 800 sq feet and almost as much as our current mortgage. She will have to commute an hour to her job in downtown. She will be working long hours but says her dad and sister can help pick up or drop off the kids. Her whole selling point is that they have a great school system. The school system that I’m trying to keep the kids is a good school system! The middle school near us was recently called the most prestigious school in California! I don’t get it. And what does a great school system matter if your kids aren’t being well taken care of at home?

She swears she will be taking great care of them. But currently, if I’m not home they don’t eat a proper meal, just snacks, popcorn or junk food. They won’t be washed, and they go to bed way too late. And she’s always yelling at them.

I get it, I was a shitty husband, but damn, I am a great father and I don’t want her to take that away from me. My attorney says we have a good shot, but that never matters right? It’s the court’s decision and I think they usually side with the mother, right? Anyway, that is my rant / update. If you have any advice on how to deal with this, please let me know. Thank you for listening.

9 comments posted: Friday, May 28th, 2021