I cheated on my SO and I fully regret all my actions

I cheated on my SO, she said I shouldn't sugar coat it and my circumstances in life didn't matter and nothing matters and I fully agree. It's plain and clear I cheated. I am remorseful and looking for change.

Here's my story.

Everything was going fine until my exam dates were announced. I got tensed and began to get very stressed, then I began distancing myself from my SO, i don't know why I did it, I think because I didn't want to let out my frustration or anger or stress on her?

We were distant for like a week, then i stirred an argument and an ugly fight broke out, I said some really mean things and she blocked me everywhere.

I thought we were done, and I committed that disgusting act. I slept and woke up on the same day and begged her to take me back, I didn't understand the consequences of what I did. I really expressed how sorry I was for saying those mean things, which I am still sorry for.

But It didn't hit me that i did that heinous act. We got back and things were seeming normal and after a week it hit me, what I had done and I immediately told her, it absolutely destroyed her especially after she thought everything was back to normal.

We've had issues with miscommunication, I thought everything was over and that I would never talk to her again and did that disgusting thing, but then I found a way and won her back but i still fucked up and I lost her again.

There have been circumstances in my life that put me in a bad position and I did it thinking it would help me get out of a large debt. I didn't think and acted impulsively.

I want to change, for the better. Our relationship was really healthy and we were really happy. I have been reading a lot of stuff on the internet. I want to show my girlfriend that I can change.

She also called me out on being an egomaniac, narcissistic and selfish asshole. Which I realize I might have been in our relationship, but I wasn't really aware about it. I got mad at little things and just wanted her to be the same way all the time i guess

I have had a shitty childhood and upbringing, i had no love in me and no love around me and I am fucked up mentally but I thought I didn't bring those things in our relationship but she said I did so I want to change those things about me.

Please show me the way forward

[This message edited by rebuildingmyself at 5:59 AM, August 5th (Thursday)]

22 comments posted: Monday, August 2nd, 2021