4 Years Out-Looking for resources for this stage of healing

I am 4 years from DD, still married, and I have not been on here for years. I am in a new phase of my healing and am looking for some resources.

Brief background: My H has done almost all the right things in recovery and I feel he has consistently demonstrated safety and commitment. My big issue with the relationship on his end right now is that he struggles to initiate meaningful conversations with me about the struggles I am having with my healing and mental health. We have done IC and MC and it is a combo of being afraid of saying the wrong thing (I will be sharp with words if he says the wrong thing and he does not speak off the cuff as accurately as I do) and desperately wanting to feel everything is normal.

On my end, in addition to the damage from the betrayal (it was double betrayal), I have been dealing with the decline of my parents’ health as a caretaker and the hurtful lack of meaningful relationship I have had with her throughout my life. Oh and also burnout. At present I am in a long time state of functional freeze/POLF. I can barely feel emotions anymore, and stopped being the one to initiate conversations and connection with my H. He acts hopelessly in love with me, but I am just meh abut it most of the time. Not angry, just not feeling it. Since my H avoids meaningful conversation, and I now just won’t initiate it, we are kind of in a stand off of sorts and limping along. I don’t think he realizes how messed up I still feel mentally. Not the chaos of the early days after DD, just feeling dead inside.

I have spent time working on my parent issues, which are in a good place. I have spent time working on my professional burnout, which is improving. I think I need to come back to working on the infidelity and relationship healing.

What resources are there for people like me further out who have done the initial recovery work? Books, online courses, retreats? I am even open to a couples retreat. I don’t feel the need to rehash the issues we did in the first few years of healing. These are different issue but I am struggling to find help at this stage and any references or advice would be appreciate.

7 comments posted: Monday, August 12th, 2024

Communication Issues with WH

I am about 2.5 years from d-day. Was on the road to healing but my H did something impulsive, not infidelity related, that derailed trust building about 4-5 weeks ago. Since then I’ve been stuck in a cycle of negative emotions worried that his impulsivity (a lifelong struggle) is going to make me unsafe forever and lots of trauma reexperiencing. I’m working on this in IC.

But that leads me to communication. About 1-1.5 years ago my H stopped bringing up the A and checking in on me like he had been. He was better healed and ready to move forward. I was not. When I talk to him about anything relationship related, he often gets worked up and defensive (but never defensive about infidelity, mostly about why I am disappointed in communication). Since then we have been in repeated cycles of me being hurt he doesn’t listen to me about how I am feeling, check in with me, etc., him then apologizing, us processing in MC, him promising to better, him doing better, then back to the beginning of the cycle.

It has gotten to the point where over time I have stopped opening up to him because I feel worse, not better, when I do. We address this in MC as well, I am told to try to open up, and we start the above cycle again. I am still hurting and just feel alone in my suffering now because I don’t feel I can talk to him.

I believe he wants to listen and be supportive and he is always receptive to MC. We’ve addressed the roots of this in him (shame and fear) and he has addressed some in IC (not enough IMHO). He has direction to ask me how I am doing and if I want to talk several times a week indefinitely. He does it for a week or two and then no more.

Example, after the recent incident that I felt damaged trust, I tried to talk to him about how it is making be downward spiral, and the few attempts I made he did a terrible job of letting me be heard and I had to shut down the conversation each time to prevent escalation. At one point I approached him and very seriously told him I was thinking about divorce. I feel very alone and if that is the way its going to be, I’d rather just actually be alone. He was terribly sad and scared to hear this, but a good conversation ensued for once, and he followed up a few times, but I am very fragile at the moment and having a hard time opening up still and did not feel able to talk about it at those moments. I just couldn’t go through any more failed attempts at showing my heart and hurt to him. That was about 10 days ago and not one attempt from him to check on my well being or revisit the fact that he knows I am thinking about divorce and feeling scared to open up to him.

Has anyone dealt with similar issues? It is maddening to me because we have the same conversation between us and in MC about being there for me and not leaving me alone in life raft to save myself. To me, it doesn’t seem that hard of a thing to do but as time goes on I become more and more closed off. He just goes about his normal days while I am constantly in my head feeling terrified and hurting and contemplating divorce. This endless cycle is really bringing me down and feel my only choices are to remain emotionally isolated or leave the marriage.

10 comments posted: Sunday, February 19th, 2023

How to exit the polf

I have been in the POLF for several months (probably 5-6). I was pretty comfy there feeling a little depressed and numbing out a lot too. We are about 2 years from DD and I am ready to move on. My H is doing all the work and has been this whole time. I can’t ask for much more in a remorseful and contrite H, who himself is traumatized as well from his actions. And when I did ask for more, he is dutifully working on it.

But how do I get out? I am feeling like a movement away from focusing on the past and how sad I am about what has happened to me to focusing on the present and future is what I need. Practically speaking, how were others able to get there? What books helped? What did you tell yourself? What was your partner’s role? What did you focus on in therapy?

I know some might suggest better self care, but I am not really sure what that looks like for me given my time commitments elsewhere and lack of interest in things people find therapeutic like gardening, hiking, biking, friends, yoga, etc.

Thank you in advance for those who reply.

11 comments posted: Monday, October 3rd, 2022