Me: BH 60
Her: WW 52
D-Day: Oct 04 2022
M: 34 years

Not the Club I wanted to Join

I found out 5 weeks ago that my W of 34 years had had an affair. I had suspected for quite a while. Her behavior was quite irratic: very hot and cold; a sudden desire for much more adventurous sex; seeminlgly inconsequential things on my part resulting in an explosion; wanting to move to a different province; and so on. I found out definitively a week before DDay (Oct 04). She had had an online affair for over a year. She says this started as an emotional affair and then it turned into sexting. We spent 2.5 months on a cruise and in Florida, finishing in Feb 2022. At this time something very odd happened. I had made what I though was a joke on the cruise. I said something to the effect of "you better not have an affair or I'll..." Now, she had made this joke many times over our marriage with the threat of having various parts of my manhood being cut off, and other things, and I took those for what they were: a joke. But this threat came up repeatedly as something horrible I had done. I was quite angry about it but eventually I apologised for making her feel threateneded. Keep in mind that while all of this was happening she was sexting with the AP. I suspect this was the "casus belli" she needed to take the affair to the next level.

The week we returned I had to go on a business trip immediately. She called the AP over to our house, ostensibly to do work on our oven (the AP was a heating/cooling technician), and they had sex in front of the fireplace. My WW's claim is that this was the first time (no way to know). Afterwards she went to Quebec and found a house for us to move to. I found out later that she really wanted to escape the A and this would put distance between herself and him. At the time it was couched as "moving to a new province would be a new adventure". Per my WW she did not meet with him again until the week we moved (late June 2022) when my WW went over to his place for goodbye sex. She then met him at a hotel mid-July when we were back in the area, ostensibly because he was sad and really needed to be with her one more time.

Our relationship was admittedly rocky; I had trust issues and these occassionally manifested in anger and irrational behavior on my part. I sometimes searched her emails and texts until she blocked my access (about 2 years ago). I never once touched her in anger and rarely ever raised my voice. But there was no question I acted badly sometimes due to my trust issues.

She claims she has broken contact with him. She has deleted all of the texts so I really cannot say what went on or how long it went on for, or whether there were more than three times that it was physical. I know that she was mortified at what she had done and felt enormous guilt. I also know she desperately wants me to forgive her. And the reality is I want to forgive her and make our M work.

The challenging part for me now is that she feels my boundary expectations are controlling. She recently embraced a so-called male "friend" for minutes, her arms around him, his hands on her butt. Then they had a long kiss before breaking off. She said that my being upset by this was an attempt to be controlling, and that nothing really happened. She tried to minimize this by saying it was no different than with another couple who we said good-bye to; but that was a quick embrace and a peck for a kiss.

We started couples therapy back in early July. It has helped us to communicate a lot more openly about what activates us. I am also considering individual counseling. I believe if the M is to work she needs to learn to set her own boundaries the same way I do for myself.

Anyway, like all of you this is not the club I had hoped to be a member of, but I see from the posts that it is a very supportive group, so thank you for your patience in letting me get this out there.

22 comments posted: Wednesday, November 9th, 2022