Support, Please

I’ve been aware of my wife’s emotional and physical affair for the last year and a half. I confronted her about this twice before without giving the evidence I have since it involves massive snooping on my part, snooping which would make her lose her mind with anger at me. Finally, last month, I came out of the fog. The fog I was in was "she’ll come to her senses and stop this behavior, realizing the effect it could have on her job, life, and most importantly, our kids." When that fog lifted, I finally told other people about what I was going through, and they supported me when I talked about finally confronting her again, this time with the evidence I have. By her response to my offer to have a talk about our relationship, I thought she was going to be honest and say she didn’t want to be married any longer, something I know because she’s written about it privately.

But from the very start, I knew the conversation was going to go badly. I didn’t jump right in with the, "Are you having an affair with ____?" It was more on the status of our relationship, and she was blame shifting, gaslighting, etc. I do not do well with confrontation at all, but forged ahead. When I finally brought up the big questions about an affair, she went with the, "Where is this coming from?" and "You’re talking like you know something. What do you think you know?"...I couldn’t say the evidence I have, which is irrefutable. She was already angry at me, something I don’t handle well, crying, and being aggressive verbally. Plus, there’s still the whole "this is the woman I’ve been married to for almost twenty years" thought in my head where I remember the good times.

So I couldn’t close the deal. I couldn’t say, "I know you’re cheating, and here is how I know…"

The conversation turned to our relationship and how we can make things better at home, all of which I’m for, but very tellingly, there was no big blowup of a denial that one would expect from a spouse who’s been ‘wrongly accused’. But that’s because she wanted the subject changed, and even focused on me, not her. It all makes me feel like a coward, and that I’ll never get up the courage to fully confront her.

Has anyone else dragged out things like this? Was there a final straw or did you just continue to suffer? I’m just really down about it, as I hoped, this will do it. And I couldn’t speak my whole truth. Anyone have any suggestions on how to get over my fear and how to take the final step (confronting her with evidence)?

Thank you!

30 comments posted: Sunday, November 13th, 2022