GF cheated/assaulted while blackout drunk, trouble letting it go.

I wouldn’t stay with someone who intentionally cheated on me. But I also wouldn’t dump someone who was sexually assaulted. This situation feels like a grey area between the two.
This happened 6 months ago

My GF (27F) of 4 years came to me the morning after a party in tears and told me something "Bad" happened last night. She barely remembered the encounter - she thought it was just a kiss, and she thought she said "stop, I have a boyfriend."
She was blackout drunk - a common excuse in cheating scenarios im sure - but in her case, you'll just have to trust me. She was blackout. She blacks out easily and has a history of trouble controlling her alcohol consumption. She couldn't even remember where it happened, how they got there, or any details. All she could remembers is a flash memory of his face being close to hers and then a flash memory of walking home.

The next day - after she told me and I freaked out wanting to know more - she texted him the following messages below (which she originally deleted, but then two weeks later told me about them and recovered them so I could see)

Her: "Heyy I’m so sorry to be doing this. I am trying to piece together last night. I don’t remember much but I have a sinking feeling…. I can’t hide anything at all from my boyfriend so I told him I think you tried to kiss me when we were outside but I stopped it (which I don’t think is entirely true…?) and that I got a ride back to [neighbourhood] with you and walked home from there. Can you please text me back when you get this. I feel like such an awful human being and I am so sorry, I know this is not a cool message to be receiving"

Him: Hi, dont be sorry! I am sorry that you have that sinking feeling. Would you like to chat on the phone instead? I’m just driving back from dinner but could call you quickly.

[she calls him, no answer]

Her: Don’t worry about calling me back, thank you for the offer to chat. I honestly don’t know if I want to know the details. I have responsibility in the matter I’m sure. [my boyfriend] doesn’t deserve that. Can we please please keep this between us? I don’t know WTF happened but it shouldn’t have. I want to be honest but I’m scared he will never forgive me and he is literally the best thing to ever happen to me. I told him I texted you, I would never ask you to lie for me, and there’s no pressure to text me back. I really hope the truth is that we kissed, I stopped it, I walked home. :( "

Him: "OK i’m sorry I missed the call. Speaking outside of you and I, I tend to believe that sometimes these types of things happen and while they are obviously unfortunate and create hard things to overcome in a relationship, they shouldn’t have to mean you can’t be together anymore. It sounds like you love him very much from reading the above and I would be very upset if last night meant the undoing of that. You’re a very kind and amazing person and I hope everything between both of you works out, truly."

{Conversation deleted}

The next day she calls him again and this time he answers, I was present for this call:

She asks him what happened and explains that she blacked out alot of the night. He told her that they walked home together after the party, ended up in another friend’s living room, and hooked up. She’s crying at this point tells him she can’t remember any of this. She asks "‘what happened?" He says "Lets put it this way, If I was your boyfriend I would be pretty upset."
She’s breaking down crying now.
He said they made out and that he had his hands down her pants. He said he then performed oral on her, and that after that he thinks she briefly performed oral on him (although he seemed less sure about this which I thought was fishy). He said he put protection on and were about to have sex but then he noticed she looked really uncomfortable and she said she wanted to stop and said " I just want to be in my own bed". He said thats when he stopped, and she left." He said she was only in the house for 20 or 30 minutes, so whatever happened was breif. He also kept saying that he felt really bad for what happened, and didn’t want to be "that guy", and didnt realize that she was drunk (which I know is bullshit because many other people have told me that she seemed super out of it and hammered and I have seen her in that state before and it's very obvious)

She was crying and genuinely could not believe what he was saying was true. She said she was in utter disbelief that this had happened. She said that no part of her wanted to hook up with this guy. She genuinely doesn’t remember any of these details, she remembers being in the bar with her friends, but then there’s like a 2 hour period that’s completely black and then she has a flash memory of his face, and then a flash memory of walking home

This guy knew we were in a relationship, and has even met me a couple times before. He was in a position of power over her, and she has known him for 10 years. He has tried to pursue her in the past on multiple occasions (before we were dating) but she never allowed his advances. She is steadfast that she never had interest or attraction to him. My therapist told me that if a woman has known a man for 10 years and she hasn’t hooked up with him, that’s a pretty good indication that she didn’t want to.

Let me clarify, They did not get drunk together, she was with her girlfriends, and was already blackout drunk before this guy even started pursuing her. He just happened to be at the same party. I talked to her friends that were with her and they confirmed she was super wasted and that they noticed this guy pursuing her, but they said that honestly they didn’t interact all that much throughout the night so they werent super worried about it. He offered to walk her home at the end of the night (where the F were her friends?). She doesn’t remember any of the walk home or even leaving the party.

I broke up with her, but after some time apart, I really feel like this encounter does not seem 100% consensual. She was genuinely blackout drunk. He said she looked uncomfortable and asked to leave. He referred to the encounter as "unfortunate" which I thought was weird. Also, She told me immediately and I would have never found out. She is so damn remorseful, took a vow of sobriety, and is adamant that she believes we are really meant to be together and nothing like this will EVER happen again. She seems genuinely distraught and disgusted whenever she talks about it. She told him she doesn’t want to speak with him ever again and blocked him on all media. She told me I’m the love of her life.

She is adamant that there was NO CONSENT, and NO INTENT. She doesn’t usually call it "assault", but she says "I was taken advantage of" and "I made a mistake by putting myself in that position" She has been 6 months sober and is seeing a counsellor to work through her childhood traumas and boundaries with men. She is truly a different woman since this and said she never wants to drink to excess ever again.

I’m not proud of this, but one night I was feeling paranoid and I looked through her phone. I wanted to see how she described the situation to her best friend. I figured, maybe she would lie to me, but she wont lie to [her best friend]. Anyways, the messages to her friend were the exact same as what she’s telling me "I’m in utter disbelief that this happened", "no part of me wanted to hook up with this guy", "I need to quit drinking" "I ruined my life for nothing" ect.

If something this bad hadn't happened, I don't know if she would have ever stopped drinking. So maybe it's a blessing in disguise?

So many people say "once a cheater, always a cheater" - and maybe that is true for someone who intentionally lies, decieves, and cheats. But what about a situation like this.. black-out drunk..immediate confession.. no sex... could this not be viewed as a mistake, never to be repeated? Or perhaps this is just flat out sexual assault?

Do you agree that this encounter does not sound 100% consensual?

I'm having trouble letting it go, but it feels wrong to end an otherwise great relationship with a woman I am in love over some opportunistic asshole.

94 comments posted: Monday, March 6th, 2023