Is this considered cheating or just betrayal?

I found out a few months ago when my husband was showing me a TikTok video he liked that he was also watching and liking half naked women. I asked him why he liked it and he said he didn’t know why that was in his liked videos. Scrolled down some more and there were a few more videos women he liked. Asked again and more lies. We got into a fight that night and he didn’t understand why I was so upset.

The next day we didn’t really talk and that night I asked him how many women’s videos he was watching and liking and to see his phone. He told me not many and when I looked that was a lie. There were a little over 100 videos liked of half naked women, some were from the same several women. I was pissed and extremely hurt by this. I then asked him how often was he watching these videos and if he was going to their pages to watch more. He told me it wasn’t an everyday thing and he only went to a few pages, not many.

I got his password and downloaded his data. I looked through 6 months of watch history and this was obviously a pattern with him. He would watch these videos and go to several women’s pages to view more videos, behind my back. He was doing this at work, at home, even before we went to sleep while I was in the bed next to him, and even when we were at the airport and on vacation. He was doing this for over a year.

I’m the type that wants to know everything, even what you were thinking. So I went through some videos and asked him exactly what was the first thought was that came to his mind when he saw it. It was really hard to hear that he thought these women had nice butts, boobs, private areas. He tells me that’s the only reason he looked, it wasn’t anything more. He said he thinks he became addicted to it and didn’t want me to find out. He panicked when I found out and that’s why he lied. He never followed any of these women or commented or sent any private messages so he never viewed it as cheating, it was like looking at a magazine he said. He said there was nothing I did and he finds me attractive and he is happy with me.

We’ve had several long talks and he is seeing a counselor and I know he is truly sorry. We have been married for 18 years and he has never watched porn or stared at other women while we were out together. I just don’t understand why he couldn’t stop other than it was easily accessible. He has deleted his account and has stopped using his phone a lot at home and spends more time with the kids or myself. I have full access to his phone and accounts.

However, the damage is done. None of these women have my body type which makes me extremely self conscious and all I do is compare myself to these women. I feel like he is no longer my safe person in this relationship which makes me sad on a daily basis. I’ve now got anxiety and I’m extremely aware of all women around us when we go places and when he is on his phone. I get triggered a lot.

I just started therapy but sometimes I wonder if I should have this strong of a reaction to this and why I can’t let it go.

17 comments posted: Friday, May 26th, 2023