I really let my partner down

New-ish here on the forum but I honestly should have posted something a long time ago. It has felt difficult to come up with what exactly to write and to ask for help from strangers on the internet. But no time like the present to try and step it up, perhaps?

We are a little over 2 years into recovery after my EA with a former friend which was starting to turn physical and at which point I left my BP (she then found out about everything from the AP, confronted me about it and still for some reason took me back to try and work things out and so, here we are in R). It has felt like such a mess trying to do the work to salvage the relationship because even at this point, I find it scary to actively put things on the table — even though she's specifically asked me to do so. She's been the one to do the heavy lifting during the R like unfortunately most BPs seem to end up doing. I hate that she’s had to carry me for so much of the road.

We are in CC and I'm also doing IC but what's lacking is me not taking enough action at home in relation to this, e.g. to make time for discussions and to check in with her more frequently. Fairly recently we agreed (and I think I even suggested it) that I'd initiate conversations or "check-ins" with her approximately bi-weekly to take some load off of her and I genuinely meant to but then procrastinated on it because of pretty lame excuses like we're both busy with work and life in general, so "now’s not a good time". I ended up putting it off for a few weeks until she brought it up herself and expressed how she feels betrayed by me not following up on promises.

I'm not sure what my question here is but I'm clearly struggling with taking full responsibility of our healing. We are currently at a place where we genuinely feel like things are progressing at times (CC has felt useful to both of us) and are able to just spend time together seemingly happy without the A being in the centre of our relationship but at some point it starts to just turn into pain/conflict avoidance on my part – usually the only times we talk about things are our counselling sessions because it feels easier to have someone there to navigate the conversation.

I seem to have these clearer-headed moments where I'm actually able to focus on my partner's pain and needs but then I sometimes find my attention shifting back to myself and how overwhelming things feel and how sad I am etc. I do know it's so much worse for my BP and despite my best efforts (which haven't been that great) I still sometimes struggle with quieting my own emotional responses during conversations and get easily overwhelmed by everything. She's had to be so tough during all this but we're both a bit lost. She needs me to be soothing and reliable, to make room for her pain and be truthful and not retreat into myself when the discussion gets "too hard". I just can't pin-point why I keep letting her down and how I'm still so driven by fear.

This is a long, scrambly wall of text and I apologise for not being super articulate. I find myself overthinking and adding more and more stuff here but I think I just need to stick with one version to get anything out there in the first place.

Truly any outside perspective would be much appreciated as to how to fix the cycle of not being able to show up when it counts. I/we plan on talking this through with our therapist next week but I think it's also time I relied on the collective wisdom and insight of you guys. Thank you in advance.

6 comments posted: Wednesday, September 13th, 2023