Disclosure after leaving

I could do with some advice.

Married 15 years. Had extremely intense unrequited feelings for a colleague a few years ago. H found out, very angry, told me never to mention him ever again. I didn’t deal with it. I became split. Person I was at home, person I was outside of home. Had an extremely brief PA with a colleague of the colleague. Moved jobs. Ended up embroiled with another colleague - this one a 10 month PA. We were found out at work and told not to see each other. But respective partners do not know. The relationship is not active (since April).

I am a mess, I know. I need to go to SLAA. There’s a lot I need to face up to in terms of my inability to maintain boundaries with men.

I left home in August. I made the decision that I was doing what I knew my husband would do were he to know. It was so painful. I did not want to disclose - I don’t want to collapse his world, and I wanted to avoid an ugly divorce for the sake of my children. I am not protecting myself, I am protecting them. I have no self esteem and think I deserve nothing but pain and punishment.

I have told him I have an issue with sex, and boundaries, and validation. I have disclosed the crappy one-night PA. I thought that alone would make him understand that he should not love me and that he was better off without me. But he still loves me and is being so kind to me, he is giving me the space to work things out. Things are very peaceful and loving between us now, better than they have been for years. We miss each other.

I understand that I have not been a safe partner for him, and I am trying to protect him from me.

I love him very much, and if I could I would start again. I want to do the work and I’m willing to do what it takes - tracking apps, anything. I have been completely persuaded by reading this forum that I cannot go back and have an authentic relationship with him unless he knows who it is he is loving. But I think telling him the truth will break him and break us.

He has an issue himself around sex. Part of our troubles stemmed from him becoming fixated on who I’d slept with before we were together and highly suspicious about whether I was being faithful (this before anything happened. I fulfilled the prophecy). I cannot believe he has forgiven me for what he knows (literally - I think he has just buried it) and I don’t believe he will forgive me for becoming emotionally involved with someone else even if it is over. He has trusted me after I told him that I felt trapped by his lack of trust and suspicion. The one thing he asks for is faithfulness. And I broke all of it.

So, my question to this forum: is full disclosure really the best choice here? If I have already left, should I just continue on this path to divorce no matter how painful it is to me (and to him), when there’s still so much love left, and continue to hold this secret? (Yes, there is risk of uncontrolled disclosure from other sources). Or is the authentic and brave thing to do to choose the truth which is 99% likely to lead to divorce anyway, but a very ugly and heartbroken one where our children are the ones to lose?

And if I should disclose, how on earth do I do it? Where do I start? I am lost.

34 comments posted: Saturday, September 23rd, 2023