WW (51) BH (59)D Day March 2009TT D Day July 2023

Looking in the mirror (the past few days)

I am a WS and I'm finally NOT rationalizing anymore that my grief that prompted the A is equal to my BS is feeling now. While we know it takes "two to tango" in any relationship, and that nothing happens in a vacuum, it also doesn't change what I did. I used to often tell myself such things to feel "better" about what I did. And although my husband will say that he played a part in the difficulties in our relationship, this is on me. I threw the hand grenade when a fly swatter would have been sufficient. My actions and behaviors are so egregiously beyond what was called for.

I have long asked myself why I did what I did - and the truth is I don't fully know. I wasn't feeling heard and didn't feel loved - all the typical unattached feelings were coming up (I have a hx of trauma with my bio family) I did what I always did in order to not feel my pain or admit that I feel unworthy of any true love. My self talk, for as long as I can recall, is that I am unlovable and people will leave me. This self talk came about because I have had shitty things happen in my life (I have not had any contact with my bio dad since 2001.)

When humans are in pain, it is instinctual to look for ways to block that pain. Our brains are actually hard wired to helps us "instinctually" deal with possible pain (blocking your fall with your hands if you trip). Our choices are made based on what has worked for us in the past. My pattern is that I am a drama queen at times, and feel a need to be the center of attention at all times. It sickens me to write that, but it's the truth. I am very familiar with feeling less than and being afraid of abandonment. I have been with my husband 23 years, almost half my life time, and he has never once told me that he is leaving or packed a bag. I on the other hand continue with my dramatic gestures. Packed my bags after a fight because I was certain this was the end. It's almost like I am doing things to bring on my worst fear.

I continuously ask my husband to give me what I have been unable to give him. I suffer with pretty severe depression and tend to typically find myself in dark places. I don't like it, but it is familiar and I tend to always end up there. I am trying to humble myself as I realize I can be quite arrogant. I don't typically post on forums because I am scared of being called out for my bullshit. Sadly I tend to carry a big shovel. I am responsible for my pain. If I truly love my husband as much as I say I do, it is INCUMBENT on me to be there to let him feel his pain. I have a tendency to weaponize my depression as a way to emotionally manipulate my BH. (If he really loved me he wouldn't do things that make me feel so much pain..., right?) That is a common one I tell myself. I am asking him is to never have any strong negative emotions about me in any way. He should alter his feelings to protect mine. That is my fucked up thinking.

I am disgusted with myself and have a hard time looking in the mirror most days. All the relationships in my life have suffered or been destroyed by my behaviors. I often feel like the Tasmanian Devil, and then I realize that I am the one who has made the choices that I have made to get to this difficult place in my soul, as well as in my life. I am trying to forgive myself so that I am less defensive and better able to support my husband. I want to be there to hold his hand and hug him, or with far more difficulty, let him be angry and sleep downstairs for a few nights. This man has shown me how much he loves me throughout the years yet still the nagging negative self talk plays loudly in my brain. As long as I keep seeing myself as being unworthy and unlovable, I am going to keep doing things that will reaffirm my self view. I need to change my self talk. Somehow I need to love myself so that I can accept the love my husband shows me instead of constantly sabotaging in various ways. I truly welcome feedback and being called on my bullshit and rationalizations, and I deserve that (as painful as it will be for me to be challenged.)

11 comments posted: Sunday, October 22nd, 2023