"Closure Letter" or Let it Go?
I am bogged down in mediation and back and forth negotiating our divorce. I have basically ceased all communication, except for the bare minimum through an app to work on kids' schedules.
Now that I've had some time and space, I see that what EXH put me through while he was engaged in the affair was abuse - the lying, manipulation, gaslighting. That's in part why I just can't muster any goodwill to him at this point. I sit far away from him at our kids' sports games. I don't even say hello - I don't feel the need to. He disgusts me and the pain that he dropped us and is happily playing with his AP disgusts me.
But, I so badly want to send a letter to him telling him how much havoc he's wrought on his family. Telling him he should make good and finalize the divorce so we can go our separate ways. Pointing out how what he did was abusive.
I know you'll all probably tell me not to waste my precious time/energy going this. To simply post it here.
Thoughts? Has anyone ever gotten any closure or satisfaction in sending something like this?
11 comments posted: Friday, November 1st, 2024
Pending Mediation - Help in Staying Detatched
Hi All,
Well, our mediation date is September 24th. I am still in the depths of pain here and wondering when this will subside. Will the actual agreeing on divorce help? The finality of it leaves me with a huge weight on my chest. I never wanted this for me or for the kids, but feel I had to file because my STBExH never did anything to reconcile, and instead strung me along with fake reconciliation. I am now second-guessing myself. Did the 180 backfire?! Should I have tried harder? I feel I did everything I could be he did nothing. It's just so hard to accept the fact that he likely checked out long ago while I was still so invested in the marriage. I guess I'm just needing some encouragement as I lead up to mediation. That I'm doing the right thing. That this was irreconcilable.
It's a funny thing that I think I'm on the upward trajectory, and then I'm leveled again with sadness and anger and second thoughts. I know in my heart of hearts, I couldn't go back to someone who treated me and his family with so little regard, but it still hurts like hell. I hope this gets better after the divorce is final.
12 comments posted: Monday, September 16th, 2024
Struggling with not going ballistic...
I am really, really struggling with staying sane and not going ballistic during this divorce process. I've filed, I was the breadwinner, and now my STBXH is saying I'm ruining his life, trying to screw him in the divorce, etc. It's intolerable. I find myself engaging in lengthy, nasty text exchanges with him, and then feel all wound up, rageful and resentful. I really, really wish he would just go away. I am trying so hard to take the high ground, and be the adult in this process, but it's really difficult after all the wrongs heaped upon me.
I'd say let the lawyers deal with it, but he hasn't even engaged a lawyer yet. I feel like he's trying to stonewall this process, because he now realizes the reality of his situation....he's literally screwed the pooch. He's going to have to get a real job to support himself, find a place where he can take the kids (if he wants custody), etc., etc. I've always been the fixer and the over-functioner, and apparently now that he doesn't have that, he simply can't function. In addition, his mother stows up announced at my house and I want nothing to do with her either, despite her being Granny to my kids.
I guess I'm just looking for a space to rant versus any real advice. I know I should take the high road for my kids, preserve my dignity to get through this without looking like a crazy, revengeful person...BUT.
He says: "I cheated. I made a mistake. God forbid your kids every make a mistake with how you're acting." !!!!
23 comments posted: Friday, August 2nd, 2024
Anyone feel backed into a corner to file D?
I've posted that I've filed for D and we're now in the process. We've told the kids. My STBXH asked me, "Is this what you want?" It's not what I wanted. I didn't want a broken home and failed marriage. But, he refused to do the hard work. He stayed in touch with the AP -- I caught him texting her (likely for the 3 months we were trying to reconcile) and even telling her he loved her! He wouldn't share his location, give me his passcode to his phone, get into IC. He said he'd go to MC to work on communication going forward and then cut off all contact with her. But, I just couldn't believe it. So, I filed...even though I'm not sure in my heart of hearts I wanted to. I truly felt backed into a corner.
Now, I'm plagued with thoughts of maybe it could still be repaired. Did I file too soon? Did I not give him enough time to wake up from this crazed state of infatuation he's in? I'm just struggling with two compelling desires here -- on one hand, the desire to save my marriage and family, and the other, the desire to be free of his lies and the worry that he'll continue lying.
Maybe I'm just getting nostalgic for the good times we had in the past. I'm also overwhelmed at life ahead...raising three kids on my own, being alone, being stigmatized. Ugh, it's such a roller coaster.
Anyone else feel like they were the ones forced to file D, even though it's not what you really wanted? Maybe with time the realization comes that it was for the best, after all?
9 comments posted: Wednesday, July 17th, 2024
Successful Custody Arrangements for Kids (Ages 10, 13 & 14)??
Am looking for anyone who has advice on successful custody arrangements for their children. I've filed for divorce today after finding out about the affair 3 months ago, and after attempts to reconcile that were met with more lies and by BH not being able to leave his AP.
I know each state has standard possession orders, which can be modified by the parties....I'm looking for advice from others on how they've made this work with their kids. 50/50? Stay with me during the week/ school time and be with their dad on the weekends? Any words of advice?
Thanks!
6 comments posted: Thursday, July 11th, 2024
Getting Cold Feet Filing -- Again
Hi All,
This is my first post. I had D-Day April 10 of this year, we separated and I was hoping WS would put forth the effort to reconcile. I found a couples therapist, suggested books, etc. He just never showed up. Booked a few sessions, but he just kept being ambivalent and saying he didn't know what he wanted. After he told the MC that he understood to move forward meant NC, I busted him calling/texting the AP. I asked if he'd be willing to send a text with me right there, saying it was over and asking AP not to contact him, and he said he couldn't right then...it would upset the AP because she was working and "had a lot going on."
After that, I made the decision to proceed with divorce. I have the petition ready to go and am sitting on it. Was planning on filing this week, but am heartbroken about how this will devastate our kids (ages 10, 13 and 14).
I don't think a reconciliation is possible with someone who continues to lie about being NC and someone who shows so little initiative to "do what it takes." He said my demands (full transparency, access to phone, credit cards, Life360 or the like) would mean like living with an ankle monitor on.
Now that we're facing divorce, he's saying he hasn't given up on the marriage.
This just makes filing so hard...thinking I may be overlooking the 1% chance for reconciliation. Any words of advice?
Thanks.
7 comments posted: Monday, July 8th, 2024
