My condensed story - Looking for advice/encouragement to continue

I’m not sure what I am looking for here… alcoholism and infidelity both involved in this story - but if you are just going to tell me that we are both broken and need to move on, then please just move along. There’s a lot at play here but I truly feel that we are at a point in our lives where we can make the decision to be better for everyone involved, we just need to figure out how…

I am the WS. We were not M but have been together for 12 years. The past 4 years have been really rough for us. Since Covid, BS got really into drinking and broke a lot of trust with me, without it ever turning sexual (I do know this for sure). I just felt like I was not a priority, and on those nights that he didn’t come home, which became more frequent over time, I was lonely.

It started with me resorting to an online chat room. I was curious, and honestly bored, so I was looking into online sugar daddies. Not looking to pursue anything in person, but there were people in there that just wanted to talk and send money to anyone that would listen. I was intrigued. This was not something that I did long term. It was one long night on the internet, curiously reading through things, logged on a couple more times through the month but nothing really stuck and I came to my senses on what the f I was doing. I logged off and went back to supporting my (now BS) through his struggles. - writing this out the regret is eating me alive. I wish I had just come clean here and maybe we could have discussed how I was feeling and how his actions were making me feel insecure in our relationship and things could have been so different…

Moving forward a couple of months, we found out that I was pregnant and things started to feel good again for a moment. (I should also mention that between his binge drinking episodes, things were really good. We were so happy together and genuinely enjoyed each other) I had hope that he would come out of the drinking and we would have the family that we always wanted together. Sadly, the drinking continued, a lot happened over my pregnancy. But we did have our beautiful daughter and he is a great father.

Things were up and down with his drinking for a while. After our daughter turned 2, I was still going through spouts of feeling alone when he was going through his binge drinking episodes. He had seeked out help in a few ways but nothing really stuck. I tried to be as supportive as I could, but it was hard at times when I was alone with our baby feeling like we were not good enough for him to choose what was best for us.

Eventually, back on that app I went. This time I did meet someone and we did continue a chat just the 2 of us. It didn’t start out sexual, it was nice to be able to talk and vent to someone that was not connected to my life at all. I was able to share things with him that I could not share with others because I feared the judgement that would come from it. And at my core I knew that my spouse was better than his actions. So I continued having conversations with this person. He was nice to me and did send me some money here and there. Which gave me a little thrill… this lasted a few months on and off. We didn’t talk daily but when we did he would send me something. Looking back, I do see that it was manipulative for him to send me money when he knew how vulnerable I was. And I hate everything about this situation, mostly that I felt so low that I gave into this knowing that I knew better. I was looking for disassociation from my life I suppose but damn, I could have done things so differently…

Anyway. Towards the end of the summer, BS ended up having a pretty bad situation, that was caused by drinking and I hit a breaking point. It was at a point where I thought that things were getting better but this happened and everything came crashing down on me. I vented to this person again and he offered to have me come meet him in his city. At first I was thinking absolutely not, how could I ever? But things just kept feeling heavy in my everyday life to the point of me saying f it. And I went. Only for a day. I flew in in the morning and left that evening. In that time we had fun. It was nice to be disconnected from my reality for a moment. Although it also felt very wrong. I missed my spouse. I knew he didn’t deserve this and I knew that he ultimately wanted to be better for our family. I put a stop to anything sexual that day, flew home, and cut things off with him again. He would still send me money here and there but he was not reaching out and neither was I so I let it be.

About 6 months later he reached out again and his timing was always at a time that my relationship was on a dip. Sadly, I was vulnerable. I agreed to another trip.

This time I didn’t put a stop to anything. We started to get into something that night but did not finish. He didn’t spend the night with me, but came back again in the morning and we did finish again. I felt awful. But I also felt like I had to do something to feel something different. Flying home I realized this definitely wasn’t it. I needed to figure something out with BS. But I did not come clean. I so wish that I had. But I didn’t.

3 days later, BS read my texts. I came clean then. But now it looked like I was never going to come clean or stop until I got caught…

Since d-day, BS has moved out. He cleaned up his drinking and is doing a lot better. Which hurts me, because why couldn’t he do these things when I was beginning him? Some days he wants to try with me and some days he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. Unfortunately the latter is more frequent than wanting to try at this moment. And the cherry on top, I found out that I am pregnant, it is 100% BS’s, paternity test confirmed.

We are 4 months out from d-day and it has just been a roller coaster. I have cut all ties with the other person and done everything that I can to show that I want to reconcile. Now I am just sitting in the waiting game and I’m wondering, will there be a time that I know for sure he is done? He has moved 4 hours away but we still have a 2 year old and are expecting another in 4 months, so communication is still there. Sometimes it is hopeful, others it is very discouraging. We have discussed starting MC, but at this point he is so up and down I’m not sure if he will actually go through with it. I have taken all of the steps to get us enrolled, just waiting on a day to start and will go from there. I have done my best to become an open book. Sharing all of my passwords and giving him complete access to everything that I have.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for at this point. I’ve just been up all night reading different stories on here, praying that I will be able to post about my happy, reconciled relationship at some point in the future. Things have been so hard for us. We were young and immature and now we are at a point where we need to figure out if we are going to grow up and get our stuff together. I hate myself so much for not being stronger for us when I could have been an example for him and started counseling myself when we were going through it with his addiction. That was really what I needed, but I went so low with it all that I am so scared that there is no coming back from it.

If you read this far along, thank you lol.

16 comments posted: Thursday, May 30th, 2024

My condensed story - Looking for advice/encouragement to continue (moved to Wayward Side)

  This Topic has been moved to Wayward Side

1 comment posted: Thursday, May 30th, 2024

Condensed story - looking for advice/insight/anything that could be helpful

I’m not sure what I am looking for here… alcoholism and infidelity both involved in this story - but if you are just going to tell me that we are both broken and need to move on, then please just move along. There’s a lot at play here but I truly feel that we are at a point in our lives where we can make the decision to be better for everyone involved, we just need to figure out how…

I am the WS. We were not M but have been together for 12 years. The past 4 years have been really rough for us. Since Covid, BS got really into drinking and broke a lot of trust with me, without it ever turning sexual (I do know this for sure). I just felt like I was not a priority, and on those nights that he didn’t come home, which became more frequent over time, I was lonely.

It started with me resorting to an online chat room. I was curious, and honestly bored, so I was looking into online sugar daddies. Not looking to pursue anything in person, but there were people in there that just wanted to talk and send money to anyone that would listen. I was intrigued. This was not something that I did long term. It was one long night on the internet, curiously reading through things, logged on a couple more times through the month but nothing really stuck and I came to my senses on what the f I was doing. I logged off and went back to supporting my (now BS) through his struggles. - writing this out the regret is eating me alive. I wish I had just come clean here and maybe we could have discussed how I was feeling and how his actions were making me feel insecure in our relationship and things could have been so different… sad

Moving forward a couple of months, we found out that I was pregnant and things started to feel good again for a moment. (I should also mention that between his binge drinking episodes, things were really good. We were so happy together and genuinely enjoyed each other) I had hope that he would come out of the drinking and we would have the family that we always wanted together. Sadly, the drinking continued, a lot happened over my pregnancy. But we did have our beautiful daughter and he is a great father.

Things were up and down with his drinking for a while. After our daughter turned 2, I was still going through spouts of feeling alone when he was going through his binge drinking episodes. He had seeked out help in a few ways but nothing really stuck. I tried to be as supportive as I could, but it was hard at times when I was alone with our baby feeling like we were not good enough for him to choose what was best for us.

Eventually, back on that app I went. This time I did meet someone and we did continue a chat just the 2 of us. It didn’t start out sexual, it was nice to be able to talk and vent to someone that was not connected to my life at all. I was able to share things with him that I could not share with others because I feared the judgement that would come from it. And at my core I knew that my spouse was better than his actions. So I continued having conversations with this person. He was nice to me and did send me some money here and there. Which gave me a little thrill… this lasted a few months on and off. We didn’t talk daily but when we did he would send me something. Looking back, I do see that it was manipulative for him to send me money when he knew how vulnerable I was. And I hate everything about this situation, mostly that I felt so low that I gave into this knowing that I knew better. I was looking for disassociation from my life I suppose but damn, I could have done things so differently…

Anyway. Towards the end of the summer, BS ended up having a pretty bad situation, that was caused by drinking and I hit a breaking point. It was at a point where I thought that things were getting better but this happened and everything came crashing down on me. I vented to this person again and he offered to have me come meet him in his city. At first I was thinking absolutely not, how could I ever? But things just kept feeling heavy in my everyday life to the point of me saying f it. And I went. Only for a day. I flew in in the morning and left that evening. In that time we had fun. It was nice to be disconnected from my reality for a moment. Although it also felt very wrong. I missed my spouse. I knew he didn’t deserve this and I knew that he ultimately wanted to be better for our family. I put a stop to anything sexual that day, flew home, and cut things off with him again. He would still send me money here and there but he was not reaching out and neither was I so I let it be.

About 6 months later he reached out again and his timing was always at a time that my relationship was on a dip. Sadly, I was vulnerable. I agreed to another trip.

This time I didn’t put a stop to anything. We started to get into something that night but did not finish. He didn’t spend the night with me, but came back again in the morning and we did finish again. I felt awful. But I also felt like I had to do something to feel something different. Flying home I realized this definitely wasn’t it. I needed to figure something out with BS. But I did not come clean. I so wish that I had. But I didn’t.

3 days later, BS read my texts. I came clean then. But now it looked like I was never going to come clean or stop until I got caught…

Since d-day, BS has moved out. He cleaned up his drinking and is doing a lot better. Which hurts me, because why couldn’t he do these things when I was beginning him? Some days he wants to try with me and some days he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. Unfortunately the latter is more frequent than wanting to try at this moment. And the cherry on top, I found out that I am pregnant, it is 100% BS’s, paternity test confirmed.

We are 4 months out from d-day and it has just been a roller coaster. I have cut all ties with the other person and done everything that I can to show that I want to reconcile, including starting my own counseling. Now I am just sitting in the waiting game and I’m wondering, will there be a time that I know for sure he is done? He has moved 4 hours away but we still have a 2 year old and are expecting another in 4 months, so communication is still there. Sometimes it is hopeful, others it is very discouraging. We have discussed starting MC, but at this point he is so up and down I’m not sure if he will actually go through with it. I have taken all of the steps to get us enrolled, just waiting on a day to start and will go from there. I have done my best to become an open book. Sharing all of my passwords and giving him complete access to everything that I have.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for at this point. I’ve just been up all night reading different stories on here, praying that I will be able to post about my happy, reconciled relationship at some point in the future. Things have been so hard for us. We were young and immature and now we are at a point where we need to figure out if we are going to grow up and get our stuff together. I hate myself so much for not being stronger for us when I could have been an example for him and started counseling myself when we were going through it with his addiction. That was really what I needed, but I went so low with it all that I am so scared that there is no coming back from it.

If you read this far along, thank you lol.

3 comments posted: Wednesday, May 29th, 2024