Determined to reconcile… but also lost

Hello 👋

New here. Been browsing the forums for a few days. Need advice, opinion, feedback… something.

Backstory:
Discovered my WH was having an affair in March 2022. The affair began Sept/Oct 2021. Got trickle truth for about a month. He had previous wayward activities that I also discovered and some I was already aware of but thought had stopped but had not.

We’ve been married 14 years and have 3 children.

The affair started while I was away at a religious retreat for counseling to handle life struggles as well as marriage troubles. We hired a nanny. The nanny was my MIL’s personal assistant.

I returned from the counseling excited to create in life and my marriage and over the course of months was gas lit, met with hostility, and I spun out emotionally thinking something was really wrong with me.

WH asked for a divorce in March. The next day I asked him is he was having an affair with the nanny. He confirmed.

The years leading up to this I had lost my libido and had a lot of trouble feeling passionate. It was crushing to myself as well as our marriage. I requested marriage counseling and personal counseling from my husband but he refused or rejected it every time. He would get quite angry at me often and I only recently realized I had become afraid of him. I didn’t think he’d physically hurt me but his anger and insults hurt.

Additionally I discovered I had a major hormone issue which I recently found a solution for and am much more at ease. Prior to that I was in constant pain, fatigue, and brain fog.

It’s been almost 3 years since the affair started and we are working on reconciliation. It seems the more time passes the more I feel like a fool. When I first discovered it I think I was operating in shock still and desperate to keep the marriage together. But over the years he has definitely made improvements but I don’t feel like there is much remorse and he has inferred that it’s my fault. When I bring that up he gets upset with me and says he never said it was my fault and that I keep hanging onto that but then turns around and points out how I did have responsibilities in my lack of passion. Which just makes me think he blames me but words it indirectly.

My MIL has remained very close friends with the OW and despite my and my WH’s requests to not bring up her name she does, and in fact cried to me for 5 minutes on the phone when she let her go as an assistant. She also invited her to a house party and didn’t tell us. I had to ask my husband to ask her the day before the party. That was hell to endure as my WH flew in to be there while the kids and I stayed home. He needed to be there because he was saying goodbye to his home he grew up in. I didn’t have the heart to take that away but I was furious with my MIL. He defends her when I bring this up and tho he says he isn’t he also defends the OW when I bring up that I view her as an enemy to our family. She has been a trusted family friend for near 2 decades and wanted my husband to leave me for her.

Right now I’ve withdrawn from the marriage a bit. I don’t know how to be at peace with it all and feel like my husband has more work to do to mend what has been broken.

I wrote this shaking a bit and may have typos and data missing. Please feel free to point those out if needed. Any feedback is much appreciated.

4 comments posted: Wednesday, September 18th, 2024