Struggling, confused - advice needed
Dear all, thanks in advance for reading. It may be long.
Really struggling here.
Together 10 years, married for 2.5 years. 2 young children.
I have had a gut feeling for a good few months and the red flags as below:
dismissive towards me
critical
keep pointing out the bad things in our marriage
very distant
acting 'differently'
secretive with phone carrying everywhere
changed pin on phone
see a surname texting on the phone that I don’t recognise. We don’t know anyone with this name
texting in early hours of the morning
swipe out of texts when I walk by and delete recent calls
gym everyday
new clothes/makeup/skin care
going out a lot more with friends she never used to see that much
last month, I found out she wasn’t out with the friend she said she was with
her story didn’t add up, was very evasive about the evening and seemed coy
it was a trip to the cinema but took 2 hours to get ready - dressed up/false eyelashes
when confronted she said that she was with another friend and didn’t tell me as I don’t like this friend
strangely she was apparently with this friend the Friday before, 2 weeks in a row is very unusual
she became very angry, no empathy towards me pointing out faults in the marriage and even going on to say I want to go out with my friends, go on a yoga retreat and I'm finding myself
a few days later we had another argument - doesn't know if she can be in the marriage, talked of splitting assets and even mentioned blended families
again very angry towards me
final straw is last week, she is talking to a strange man in a darkened room. This is during the children's dinner time.
I heard his voice he swore, it sounded quite heated she looked flustered. Sounded like he was maybe pushing her.
Possibly giving her an ultimatum or wants to see her more?
It must have been urgent or she wouldn’t have taken the call so blatantly.
Straight after she calls her mum.
Once finished speaking with her mum I asked who she was talking to? None of your business, nothing for you to worry about. I said it is you are speaking to a strange man in our house during dinner time?!
Again got angry. Said I was being obsessive and said I've told my mum you want to go down my phone. I don’t but when she was not with the friend she said she was I said show me your phone then
Anyway she walks out the room and that is it. I didn’t push it as was getting heated and the kids were around.
This incident has not been mentioned since, not even to try and reassure me.
I cant confront again. She will just fly off the handle and say its all me, I'm crazy etc. I have no evidence
She is acting the perfect mum and speaking to my family getting days out booked etc. WTF?!
With me she is still acting affectionate
I spoke to a lawyer yesterday. She said it sounds like gaslighting.
Finally she comes home from work this week and mentions a work conference overseas for a whole week later this year. She will be away for my birthday.
She has a new job but has never gone away with work in the last 10 years.
I'm really struggling mentally, cant eat or concentrate or stop thinking about it.
I need some guidance on what to do next? Especially from a female POV.
It’s the kids I am worried about. They would never believe their mum could do that and like I say I have no proof.
They are so young still.
She will never admit it to me.
Without sounding too sorry for myself, I just still cant believe that she would do this to the family and destroy our homelife?!
I may be still in shock. Feeling weak.
Is evidence gathering the next way to go? I just don't think I can stand back and wait. It's driving me mad. Home life is so awkward and exhausting having to put on a brave face. But again I'm so worried about the children and what happens to them.
Or a bold it's me or him and walk out for the night? You have until tomorrow to decide and tell me the whole truth.
Thanks all, appreciate you reading x
12 comments posted: Friday, January 17th, 2025
