27 Years and finally finding out some of the truth

First ever post and looking for some advice. My wife and I have been married 36 years now. My wife had an affair 27 years ago. At the time, I suspected something was going on. Late night phone calls when I was in bed. Calls deleted from the caller ID and lack of affection. She had played volleyball for two seasons while I stayed home and watched our children. After volleyball, the teams would go to a local pizza joint (Salerno’s) for a couple of beers and hang out. On Sept 22, 1998 – I decided to find out if she was at Salerno’s. So I drove to Salerno’s and she wasn’t there. I waited for her to come home. She came home around 1100 PM and asked her how volleyball was and where she went afterwords. She responded that they had lost a bunch of games and they all went to Salerno’s for few beers. Interesting enough, I could not detect the smell of alcohol on her breath. I said, are you sure you went to Salerno’s? She said yes. I then told her that I went to Salerno’s and did not see her car, went inside and she wasn’t there. Her car was also not at the High School where they played volleyball. She then said that she met a guy who played volleyball in the league after the game and all they did was talk in the car while parked at a local middle school. This didn’t make sense to me as I had suspected something more been going on for much longer, as in an affair. She insisted that this was their first meeting, and "nothing sexual had happened". I pushed further and got nowhere; she was steadfast in her story. I was angry, so I asked her for his name and phone number. I called his house and he answered, I told him I knew where they had been and asked to speak to his wife. I told her that her husband was not at Salerno’s, but instead was parked in a school parking lot with my wife. I also told her about my suspicions about the affair.

My wife cried and told me absolutely nothing had happened. I told her she cannot call him anymore, if she did, I was gone. The next day, I called him and asked him to meet me at a local gas station – I had planned to physically attack him. He met me and I told him I knew about the affair, and he wins, he can have her. He stated that all she did was talk about me. I should have asked about the details, but I didn’t. I again said, you can have her. Otherwise, this stops right here and now, you better not see or call her ever again. I later found out that he did call the next day to tell her what his wife said. I let that slide.

The next day, after work, I added tape recorder to our line and recorded a conversation that occurred the following day between her and one of her female friends on the team. I will mention that this friend has an open marriage. She went into details about what had happened. Again, I questioned her, and she was adamant that "nothing sexual had happened". I had planned to stay married until our children were independent and managed to push this far back in my memory.

However, I can’t take it anymore. I think about this everyday because I want the truth. I need to know why she would do something like this and how many times they saw each other. I have brought this up many times over the years and she still stuck by "nothing sexual happened". Fast forward to a few weeks ago, thinking about this all the time and wanting the truth. I used a voice to text application and have a transcription of the phone call between her and her open marriage friend. Here are the devastating parts: She said "that this had been going on for about two months and how do people do this for, like, a year. What the hell did I do wrong? ……. It wasn’t all sex or that kind of thing, so whatever, I got out of it". She also stated "I don't know. She just took all of my compliments and that person’s and said, 'Oh, gee, what the hell? You know, why not have two? ……. Yeah, but even so, I mean, you guys are kind of a good way. You know, you'll be allowed to have that." Implying that her friend would be lucky cause in an open marriage you can see other people. Even more devastating she said "Even though we'd be together numerous times. And like I was saying, you know, or whatever, I wasn't. And that was something that really bothered me. But not really." Worse for me, I could not detect any remorse, in fact, she was laughing and chuckling.

I showed it to my wife and again asked about the details as what she was telling me didn’t match what she had said on the phone. She finally admitted to giving OS at the local middle school and that was it. I patiently waited for a couple weeks and confronted her again. I showed her the phone call transcription where she stated they had been together numerous times. I again asked her to explain. She finally said that she had seen him privately four times in the two months that this had been going on. The first time, she gave him OS in my garage while I was at work. The next time he insisted on stopping by to see her in the parking lot while she was picking up a pizza for our family. She said he wanted to kiss her, but she felt uncomfortable doing that in the open. The third time they met at a local park while I was at work, and they had SI. She said she felt uncomfortable as she could hear people walking by, so she stopped. Salerno’s was the fourth time. She claims it was only four times, but I believe it was more.

I feel like I have been living a lie for 27 years. And finally, her admitting to having sex, makes my suspicions correct. The problem is I don’t believe I have the entire story. An affair for over two months and only seeing him four times doesn’t make sense. Two months and only one time having SI doesn’t fit. We have had a good life together over the years but.... I wouldn't have chosen the life we've had if I’d have known the details at the beginning, she has tarnished every memory we have together. She does seem genuinely remorseful over it unlike her tone in the phone call. But how can I go on if I don’t trust or believe her? I've been at my lowest point ever over this and hate thinking about it every day. I love her but I hate her for what she did. Will I ever get over this or is it time to go?... I'm heartbroken and lost.

12 comments posted: Friday, January 24th, 2025