I need a backbone

Ok, please be kind. First time posting. I am dyslexic so apologies for my writing. I really need some support and advice. I can’t talk to family as I’m embarrassed. Been with H for 20 years married 17. Have 3 children one with high SEN who I care for. H has been a serial cheat since we got to together if I’m honest at the young age of 18. Most of it has been messaging other women once when our first was born he had an affair and left us for a few months but we have had a good solid 12 years without anything that I know of, until a few weeks ago when he made a pass at my 21 year old vulnerable cousin. I’ve thrown him out (currently at his parents) but he keeps hanging around our house love bombing me thinking I’m going to take him back like I have before. I haven’t had time to grieve and I feel like I’m being pressured into accepting him back as life will just be easier for the children. Especially our child with SEN who realises on routine and has always had his dad around. However I feel he’s crossed a line and I can’t continue like this but the thought I’ve failed my children and no longer have that family unit ways heavily on me. I’m not sure I’m able to cope without him either as he’s always been around he is/ was my first love. The thought of him moving on with someone else makes me panic and I have such a strong connection with his family, they love me and I them. I’m so confused on what to do but don’t have anytime to think. I can’t talk to my family as they are disgusted that he has done this to my cousin who has a lot of mental health issues but I know she is telling the truth about this. He is denying it but his actions say otherwise he hasn’t protested much just stopped talking to anyone but the children and I. I don’t understand why I don’t have more respect for myself but I generally feel I’m unlovable and useless. I’m going to look into therapy but H is also doing the same and been put on anti depressants which I’ve supported him through in the past. He also has a diagnoses of ASD recently and is blaming his lack of communication on this.

7 comments posted: Monday, January 27th, 2025