Is It Unreasonable to Ask for Financial Consequences

It's been 9 months since D-Day. We've been attempting reconciliation and attending marriage counseling. Progress has been slow, largely because whenever I ask questions about the affair, he tends to become defensive.

Earlier this week, though, I felt like we were finally making some progress. He made a genuine effort, sat down with me, and what he described as a "full disclosure" of the affair. For the first time in a long while, I felt a little hopeful.

But of course, after being lied to before, it's hard to simply take someone's word for it. I asked him, "Can you swear that you're telling me the truth and that this is the only person you've ever cheated with?" He said yes and swore that it was.

The problem is that he also swore before that he had never cheated on me.

So I followed up with another question. I asked whether he would be willing to sign an agreement stating that if I later discovered he had lied during disclosure or if he cheated again in the future, we would divorce and he would forfeit any financial claim to our marital assets.

His reaction caught me off guard. He immediately became angry and said, "Hell no." He then said it sounded like a scheme to take his money.

I explained that the agreement would only ever matter if he lied again or cheated again. His response was that he's already worried about his job, is going through a career crisis, and there is no way he would sign something like that.

For context, I'm in California and I already know an agreement like this would likely not be legally enforceable. I wasn't really asking because I expected it to hold up in court. For me, it was more about whether he was willing to put some real stakes behind his words.

I think what disappointed me most wasn't just that he refused to sign it, but how quickly and strongly he reacted. Part of me thought that if someone was truly remorseful and committed to rebuilding trust, they should be willing to do almost anything to reassure their spouse.

So I'm looking for some perspective from others who have been through this.

Is asking for something like this unreasonable? Is it unfair to view his refusal as a red flag? Or am I expecting something that most remorseful wayward spouses wouldn't agree to either?

I'd appreciate any honest feedback. Thanks!

5 comments posted: Monday, June 1st, 2026

8 months out, considering R, but still hurting when I’m with him — what actually helped you?

I’m about 8 months out from DDay.

The past few months have been really hard， a lot of anxiety and depression. During that time, my H was present and available, which is part of why I’m starting to consider R.

But I’m struggling with how it actually feels day to day.

When I’m with him, I still see him as the person who hurt me so deeply. It’s not anger as much as sadness. I don’t feel safe or "in love" — just heavy and sad.

For those of you who are further along in R and feel like it worked (or is working):

What actually helped you get to a better place?
Did the feelings change gradually with consistent effort (check-ins, transparency, etc.), or were there specific moments that shifted things for you?
Besides the basics (like 100% transparency), what made the biggest difference?
What did your WS do — specifically — that helped you heal?

I read some posts and people keep saying the WS has done a lot of work, I'm curious what does that mean specifically?

9 comments posted: Monday, April 27th, 2026

WS silence drives me crazy

I found out about the cheating 8 months ago, my husband (WS) maintained contact with AP behind my back so I was very determined to get a divorce. However, 6 months later, when he moved out, I got hit with extreme anxiety and depression. At first, I was able to function and feel better by talking to friends and working out, but it got so much worse that I can barely function. out of desperate move, I asked him to move back last week. He has always been nice to me, he said he doesn't want a divorce and he promised he has finally cut contact with other women, so I thought maybe I should consider reconciliation. However, he still doesn't want to talk about the affair, and refuse to communicate his real thoughts, and with my anxiety it makes me crazy when I have to beg him to talk and yet he would only squeeze out a few words. other than the affair, he'd be nice to me, and talk to me like nothing happened, he'd watch TV together and be there when I have anxiety or depression episodes. I honestly don't know what to do, I feel I'm stuck and every min of my life is meaningless and I'm just throwing away my life. Any thoughts or suggestions? anything would help.

7 comments posted: Thursday, April 23rd, 2026