SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I’m in the middle of sorting out financial disclosure. And I just feel so...violated I guess is the word. Particularly that I have to put out on paper my spending. And then STBXWH’s lawyers are going to pick over it. I know it has to be done but I’m so angry with my STBXWH for putting me in this position. Anyone else feel like that?

I've been divorced 9 years now, but I do remember being so angry about that. That my personal financial information would become part of the public court record. And when I started getting lawyer solicitations in the mail (I think the court in my state sells the names of people filing to bottom-feeding lawyers) I felt deep shame and anger toward him.

The good news is that it will pass. Use this anger to get the best settlement you can and to create a wonderful new life for yourself.

Yep, I try not to think about them going over it line by line.

I just know at some point she's going to turn to me and say: "You spend $XXX on bagels and coffee at Panera each month. What do you have to say for yourself??"

Remember, it's a double-edged sword--you can examine their finances as well.

Cat

I am incredibly angry about disclosure as well! I'm the one who saved over the years and now I have to disclose everything on paper so my STBXWH can (and I quote him directly) 'take what he deserves'. I know disclosure goes both ways, and I'll be able to see what he discloses. But, it does feel very violating going through the financial stuff, especially because I now see another way that my STBXWH took advantage of me over the years! He 'relied' on me to retire --- isn't that nice!?

Girl, didn't he use prostitutes? There's not a damned thing you ever purchased that's near that embarrassing. HE should be humiliated. You could buy My Little Pony hats and shoes for yourself and hold your head a lot higher than he can.

In my divorce, the financial disclosures were strictly about determining how much money you would need to live post-divorce... using your pre-divorce lifestyle as a general guide.

Specifically, to qualify for alimony, my ex needed to demonstrate that her budget exceeded her income. Similarly, my ex needed to demonstrated that my income exceeded my budget.

My recommendation is to view it through that lens. And do not appear to be frugal... that will only hurt you.

The good news is that if his prior spending included prostitutes... that definitely suggests that he has more than sufficient income for alimony.

I’ve been reading and re-reading this thread as I put together everything this week, and the information should be exchanged later today. I calmed down a bit reading your replies, and when my lawyers helped me with the budget, but I’m still scared about what STBX is going to say.

Yes, STBX used prostitutes. But at the moment disclosure only goes back 12 months and DDay was in 2018 so no records (unless I’m about to get a nasty shock that I was in a false R). My lawyers have raised his spending on prostitutes as money to be added back into the pot but STBX is insisting the amount is relatively insignificant..

Alimony is leading to more arguments. My lawyer says v your lawyer says. It’s scary.