SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And it would be for 7 years from now

Unrealized,

I would talk it over with your lawyer, but if you reach salary parity in 2-3 years, you're only looking at 4-5 years of potential alimony assuming she is aware of what is going on in your life with respect to salary and immediately claims it. If you go NC after divorce, there's a good chance she won't know or even check if you're not receiving alimony from her. If, however, you're receiving alimony, she may be checking periodically to find out when she can stop her payments.

I made a mistake allowing my ex-wife to "normalize" everything between her, myself, and my family. She is a serial cheater. Nevertheless, she is relentless and kept pushing the "let's remain friends because of our son" narrative that I ultimately relented. Fast forward several decades later and I find out she is badmouthing me to anyone and everyone including my son, daughter-in-law, and her parents. Totally unjustified. Once a snake always a snake. I stupidly let her off the hook. No more. Contact should be cordial but limited to business involving the children. If no children, go NC forever.

Regarding the original thread topic, I'm a firm believer that when you D, you D with the in-laws, too. So, you're XWW is way out of bounds to think of asking your family to visit her, and you're family would be even further out of bounds if they accepted.

You can expect a lack of self-awareness and games from a WW, but it would be VERY disrespectful to you, if you're family visited her.

A bird in the hand my friend, a bird in the hand. Ask for it now, and if she ask, worry about it later. There is no reason her pay doesn't also go up. Secure the 2-3 yrs of alimony, so if she does come after you in 2-3 yr, you'll have it kinda evened out.

How does your family feel about this? Are they interested in keeping close ties with your ex? Were they uncomfortable with her request?

On the one hand, I can sympathize with them because your ex was a member of the family and if they had a good relationship with her, they can't just shut that off. Also, they have an interest in keeping a cordial relationship with her for the sake of your kids.

However, I think you should make it very clear to them that you would appreciate if they maintained strict boundaries with your ex and don't interact with her anymore than is absolutely necessary.

Explain that you will always be connected through your children but you don't want your ex's tentacles extending through to the rest of your family. They should be respectful and kind to your wife when they see her, but you need your family to have your back and not allow themselves to become unwitting pawns in her image management campaign.

Furthermore, considering how cruelly your ex's mother treated you, she really has no business expecting to remain friends with your parents.

Keep in mind this whole experience has left me cynical.

Is it ok for the XWW to invite my family over to her new apartment?

What's her motive? Got to be right? Is this a social call or is she trying to maintain free babysitting that she doesn't have to pay for? free housecleaners and home cooks that she doesn't have to pay for? Have the talk with your parents "so you're ok babysitting the grand kids at her house while she sleeps with the guy she was cheating on me with?

I feel like it is to legitimize her affair and show that my family accept what she has done. Am I being unreasonable?

You're not being unreasonable. It's hurtful and you're in your right to question it. It's not legitimizing it, it's not understanding the trauma, from all sides, no empathy. If they honestly understood the pain I truly believe they wouldn't be in contact.

My family would say they are doing it for the kids and I get that but is it also confusing them? I'm not sure how I should handle it.

Again I ask what's the motive? free babysitting? I'm assuming WW has fought custody to see the kids, she wants to share, why is she keeping the grandparents of the ex around? can't be friendship. Consequences, she cheated, she gets cut out of the family.

I think you should call your parents and simply talk, ask why, what the motivation is, try and navigate through their arguments, highlight flawed logic, then when they've had their say tell them how it makes you, their child, feels about this. You might have to dish out some tough love, that if they continue this without taking on board how it's hurtful then their time with the kids might be reduced when you have them. Not saying keep them out of the kids lives, but that this could lead to distance.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 1:57 AM, July 9th (Friday)]

Posters keep advising that you have to maintain some form of contact due to the kids.

From my PERSONAL experience that is complete BS. I D'd when my kids were toddlers and due to our contentious M and D, we only maintained contact during pick ups and drop offs. Both kids are now well adjusted productive members of society with kids of their own.

You simply DO NOT have to maintain a relationship with an X (and that includes families too) to effectively raise children. It's nothing but more pop psycho-babble.

I spoke to the family and explained why I didn’t think it was a good idea if they accept any offers from the EXWW. Quite surprisingly they agreed completely. The have been completely blindsided by this whole event also, she was the last person they thought would cheat. That’s a good result and a load of my mind. I agree that my relationship with the EXWW doesn’t ever have to be good, just amicable. I have absolutely no desire to speak to her, if we need to communicate about the kids email or text will suffice.

Phew!! Best possible outcome. That's got to be a weight of worry off your shoulders right. Fantastic that you didn't lose that support avenue after all.

Im a door mat 99% of the time, but I constantly told my kids that dad living with a new woman was NOT ok, and NOT how we act.

Glad i did.

Your ex CAN invite whoever they please. But Id be very upset if my family ACCEPTED that invitation.

Your ex made a decision, and there are consequences. That is important to show kids

I'm so glad you decided to tell your family how you felt, that was the right move. :)

I would take the money now regardless but you said her salary is going to increase as well so chances are you won't have to pay her that much if anything at all, worst case scenario you claims what's due to you under the law and she does the same but you would feel much better collecting now than not being able to do it later if she decides to go for it.