SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Original post here

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/654120/wife-sending-nudes-to-co-worker/

Despite the clear direction of our collapsed marriage and disgusting betrayal I long for control. I wanted her to give me the choice on reconciling or not. Their contact continues and I have every reason to believe that the affair does too. So at the guidance of everyone here I have begun separation.

I think, on my own, I would have tried harder to save the marriage which would have been foolish in the face of the signs. She cheated, she left, she began collecting her things, separating out the assets she wanted and living her “normal” life with a smile on her face. Despite all this she told me she wasn’t sure what she wanted. She told me she was sorry, she acted without remorse.

I’ve been listening to a help book that divides responses to these life traumas as angry, sad & withdrawn. (Very oversimplified here). But I have come to learn, in talking to her mother how withdrawn she really is. The mother knows so little about her own daughter and is as shocked as me. From what I know about their checkered past I do believe this is the truth.

Looking forward, I can only hope that she will give me the clean split she promises. Of course I have no reason to believe anything she promises but…a boy can dream. I am doing my best to mentally and legally prepare for a shift in her claim.

I slept more than 3 hours for the first time since DDay but had nightmares about WW’s betrayal. I was also not sad for part of last night and almost let myself believe that was fading…ha. I think I was literally out of emotional energy. Something I didn’t know I could experience. And I broke down again writing this post.

I will be looking for a support group (email sent to beyondaffairs) and starting therapy. Also reaching out to all the friends I lost touch with over the years.

I can tell already that the hardest part of this for me long term will be the immense hole in my romantic life. I was never the stereotypical guy and hated everything about dating in my early 20s. Never thought I’d have to take the whiteout to that life goals checkbox. I understand the recommended direction is to find yourself again. And I will try, but am being honest about what will be hardest for me.

I also know that support from friends and family will fade in some ways. We will run out of things to say and neither side will want to keep rehashing the past and we will hit a maintenance phase, which is when I expect the loneliness to set in hard.

I’m sure I’ll update more. Thanks all.

Sending strength to you...

It's a sad day when the woman who you thought you'll have to spend the rest of your life with turns out to be a vile person. It's a long and painful journey but at least you know where this is all going now. She's proven to be a cheater and a liar.

You'll no longer be involved in a marriage that is built on lies.
There's a world out there for you. You don't have to be imprisoned within a marriage where you're the only one working for the best. It was never a marriage, it was a sham!

All the best to you! You'll get better days soon!

Maxwell, I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I will say that I think you have interpreted your WW's ACTIONS correctly. She seems to want to test drive other relationships, and then decide if you are good enough. She has it backwards. SHE isn't good enough. You deserve better.

I think you will find that as you separate, things will be much easier when you dump the dead weight of your WW. I found that once the decision was made, things became a lot easier. You won't have the stress of fighting for the M anymore.

I too hope your WW settles the D with you quickly and amicably. Good luck

Maxwell, I see so much of how my wayward wife behaved in the way that your WW is acting now. Let me reassure you that you are taking the steps now that are forced upon you. She made her choice, now, you have to keep moving, if you stay, there is only a wasteland left for you in the old marriage.

Keep eating, working out, take some time to see an IC and get your sleep and work schedule back to some form of normal. Keep your focus on the day to day, and don't push away the feelings of the betrayal. Run through it head first, and you will get to the other side like many of us have on this board.

Your friends and family will be there for you, but you are correct, the support will fade and they will also try to move you past this horrible period, but its not because they care less, its because they want you to get past this painful episode. That is why this board/forum is here, it allows the BS to discuss and ask questions and to be understood by others who are and have gone through the same type of trauma. Use both tools to help you move forward in your infidelity experience. Get out, do stuff and the loneliness will subside.

There is another side of infidelity, the side after D, and you will get there. I'm 4 yrs + past DDay, and I'm in a great spot. A changed man, but changed for the better, and I found someone who is a better fit for me. You'll get there, you just have to keep moving forward.

Have her served at work.

Have her served at work.

I strongly disagree with this advice.

I strongly urge you to behave at your BEST while you pursue divorce. It's all part of the grey rock mentality that will serve you well during your divorce.

Do not argue with her. Do not get angry with her. Do not try to stop the obviously still on-going affair. Just simply recognize that your marriage is over, that the person that you married either never existed or no longer exists, and move on.

You want to appear cool, calm, collected, and professional at all times.

Trust me: I did not follow this advice as much as I could have and I would have been much better off if I had.

First, if she's a cake-eater, it will hurt her soul more than anything in the world if you move on. Being a grey rock will hurt her far more than anything petty that you could do to explicitly embarrass her (like having her served at work).

Second, and most importantly, just picking up the pieces and moving on is best for you. Learn to be on your own again. Learn that you can handle yourself on your own again.

The goal for all of this is for you to come back to SI in a year or three and say "MY LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER NOW!!!"

Good luck, my friend. This sucks but it will get better, especially if you do the work to make it all better.

I agree with Barcher's approach except I would not sweat where she is served. Whatever is the easiest and quickest way for her to be served should be the method used by the process server. She should know it's coming. You can even tell her to expect it and ask for cooperation in accepting it. She sounds like she has moved on so hopefully, she will comply. I would think she would be eager to end the marriage. If I misread what is going on, ignore my suggestion.

Max,

You're a young man. You have a huge hole in your life (you know what I mean). I discovered my no XWW had an EA with "Val Kilmer" (scammer) to whom she gave our life savings (since she was 'too sick to work') that I'd worked 60 hour weeks for 3 years to earn...I noped out of that 19 year marriage (it was over $60k she gave away) and did many of the things people recommend here. Started walking/exercising, cut way back on meals (i'd put on 50lbs in the marriage while she'd put on 125)...and just took stock of me.

Financially, I had a very tough time recovering. But I did. After 3 months I started dating apps...but had the most success on Instagram of all places. You will find that a high value man, like yourself is in high demand by women 10 to 20 years younger than you are. Your STBXWW has no idea what she's losing.

Just keep focused on what you want out of life, you WILL find a high value woman who wants a man like you in her life.

Thank you. Needed to hear this right now (hence the 2am post). I went to visit a friend and had a (fairly small) amount to drink. The pain was away for an hour or two but wow did it come back in force. I didn’t think this small of an amount would hit me like that.

On the paperwork side of things I’m discovering that either; my wife is terrible at managing her finances or she has hidden funds from me…She made a significant salary (6 figures) for a number of years and had limited expenses through helping out with utilities and food, otherwise her funds were all her own. I kept mine largely separate and thought we were doing a good thing. Looking back I should have dug in more just to know where “we” were. I can’t fathom where it has gone…and have to say if I were to find there was a long running plot here I could lose my self in the continued betrayal. It makes me sick to think she can do what she did and then take so much from me. Hopefully I’m just being paranoid.

We are still trying at a dissolution so collecting things to present ourselves. I have an attorney involved so I guess I’ll need to talk to the atty about my concerns and what to do.

She is living her life normally aside from being displaced after leaving (voluntarily) and probably in an active affair. She’s not asked to come back, talk things out, or anything similar and has asked to pick up more belongings next weekend. She was here Thursday doing the same. She remains disinterested in anything but moving forward with separating things. That said she did show some (suppressed) signs of emotion over the whole thing on her last visit. Which, if my recent learnings are a guide, means there’s actually a lot going on behind the curtain.

No change in plans.

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 1:44 AM, July 17th (Saturday)]

All this tells you is you are on the right path. She doesn’t care.

This is who she is. A good friend of mine said the hardest thing for him was recognizing his x was just a very typical cheater. Dime a dozen. Nothing special at all.

Dump a cheater you gain a life.

Also can’t get any of my work recommended therapists to call back or answer their phones. Didn’t talk to a single person this week to even schedule something. Very frustrating.

On that level my emotional mind refuses to let go. In a very real and odd way. I see thoughts like “maybe it was all a test or a joke” float by. And continue to wait to “wake up” I’m in such strong denial that I know I’m in it. It’s bizarre…I can’t say I’ve ever been in this situation before.

Denial and hopium are strong elements.

However, all they do is get you a longer stay in limbo.

It’s a comfort zone but it’s better to wake up sooner than later.

We only get one life. Don’t waste it.

Keep working on yourself and doing all the things you’re doing. She is in active contact with another man, which means the marriage doesn’t really exist. So you are on the only path, even if you feel uncertain. Be cautious of the “hopium”, get IC, keep getting atty advice, and get back to healthy you. Be strong and get well.

Well, that’s as good as it gets for my version of a pep talk. Big hugs man.