SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DDay was 2.5 months ago. I found out my husband was having an affair- and they were deeply deeply in love. He left me and our two small kids and moved in with her. He gave me his reasons- I was not a good enough house wife, I was not interested in his life. But the real reason was he was ALWAYS out partying (how he got together with her) and never wanted to do things with the kids and me, so of course we drifted apart.

Anyway, he told me he "wasn't sure" what he was going to do. So I did the "pick-me" dance and went into super spouse mode. Look incredible everyday, the house was perfectly organized. Did things with friends constantly. Did it work? No, of course not.

So now I am filing for divorce, and I know it's really over. My hopes and dreams things would get better for us- I thought we would reconnect as the kids got older and we got some childcare help. My old life is over. The future I imagined for us and for our kids. Everything I had looked forward to. And I am so, so lonely. I was lonely in the marriage for sure. He was out a lot. Our kids didn't even realize he lived here. They didn't even notice when he moved out.

But now I am really lonely. And I am depressed. I don't feel like taking care of our home because I know I am going to get thrown out eventually anyway. I don't feel like looking nice because there is no one to appreciate it anyway. No one I care about. I was sooo motivated to improve my life during the pick-me dance and now I just feel like sleeping all day.

I am so anxious about the divorce settlement as I was/am a SAHM, and he has lots of money but most of it is divorce-proof and he tells me he is hiding assets/income so I will get nothing. I'm not even sure I will be able to afford to keep our kids, even though he only sees them 3 hours a week and never ever cared for them while we were together.

I have definitely entered the "depression" stage of grief now that denial and bargaining have passed. I'm so sad.

So sorry you are going through this. The sense of loss and grief is very normal. But it does get better. Get into IC. Take care of you. Focus on your children and getting stronger. Never forget that you are the prize. You deserve so much better than a remorseless lia4 and a cheat. M He is the loser cheating on his W and throwing away his family. He likes to party? Good. Let him go. It just proves he is not mature enough to be a good father and faithful H.

No contact except for children and finances is vital. Learn not to engage. Learn to become a gray rock. You will get through this. Good luck.

Hi Robin,

I'm not sure what state you live in but you should have some provisions in place to protect you. Just because your WH says something does not mean it's true. Look into the laws in your local county, most county courthouses have a lot of free info available.

Depression sucks and it's so easy to fall into it when going through this. Be kind to yourself and love your kids. Keep in contact on here with people if it helps you feel less lonely. This may sound cliche but reading and exercising helped me a lot. Just try not to be too hard on yourself. You did not cause this.

Robin

I am so sorry for what you are going through

It’s hell and it’s not fair

I am about 8 months since Dday and about 7 months since D

I did the pick me dance trying to get my xwh to stay

He ultimately chose the AP, divorced me, and left after 25 years of marriage

I, too, was a SAHM. I gave up my career to raise my kids while my xwh grew his business

I didn’t get to do anything while raising kids because xwh was rarely home. He travelled a lot for work and was out for "work" related events

I really looked forward to a day my youngest went to college so I can finally accompany my husband on his trips, go away for long weekends with him, and so on. Well, that’s all gone. Stolen.

Your WH sounds like he was never there for you or the kids. I don’t know how a father can leave young children for another woman. There has to be something really wrong with them to do that.

Get yourself a really good attorney. Don’t skimp on the cost. Depending on the state law, I believe the lawyer fees get paid with marital funds. I know of someone who had a pre-nup but hired a bulldog of a lawyer who somehow worked around the pre-nup and got her an incredible settlement. Get yourself the best lawyer you can! This is so important

Let your atty know that you suspect WH is hiding money. He can get a forensic accountant to look into that. And whatever money WH spent on the A and AP has to be paid back to you. And he has to pay child support until your children reach the age of 21.

The fact that your WH is telling you that he’s hiding money and you will get nothing is evil and vindictive. Do you want a man like that in your life? Think of it as good riddance and a second chance at a new life, and possibly love.

This is going to the most difficult few months of your life. Your emotions are going to be all over the place. That’s all normal. Let them come and go. They are not fact. Your brain is in shock. It needs time to calm down. But for now, your brain is going to think all sort of crazy things. It’s all ok.

Listening to audio books and walking helped me. "Leave a cheater, Gain a life" is a good one. So is "journey from abandonment to healing"

I also wrote down the negative things about my husband and read them whenever i felt lonely. It reminded me why I should feel thankful that he’s gone.

Keep posting here and let SI veterans walk along side of you.

[This message edited by DailyGratitude at 3:20 PM, Wednesday, April 20th]

Robinbird, I am so sorry that you are here!

Your story has some similarities to mine. I am currently about 5 months out from the latest D day. I have 3 young boys with my WH, and I too am a SAHM. My WH traveled a lot for work so there were times when he was only home on weekends, if that.

I know what you mean when you say that you were lonely in your marriage. But it is a different kind of lonely now. Because when you were married, even if you were alone, you had the image of him with you. And conveniently, you can make that image anything you want! So any texts that you exchange, you can insert more meaning into, or you can imagine that he is missing you as much as you miss him. And you can look forward to the time when you'll be together again. But now even all that is taken away. I can tell you that I'm a couple months ahead of you, and I still feel very lonely. But the edge is becoming the slightest bit duller. I still cry myself to sleep, but not every night. When I get sad, I am getting better at reminding myself of all the horrible things my WH did and said. Of how he treated me when we were married. That is not the kind of man I want in my life! And you shouldn't either.

You have been raising your 2 children really all by yourself, and I know that that is no easy task!! It is exhausting in everyway. You are an amazing mom!! Right now he is thinking about himself. He is focused on money and how to hide it to make sure he "wins" in a divorce. But you are a good person and you are focused on the well-being of your kids! Of course you worry about money, but it's not to screw him out of anything, it's so you can take care of your babies. (Also, I don't know your WH or what he does, but I don't think it's as easy as he thinks it is to hide money, especially if he's telling you he's gonna do it! Any forensic accountant will be able to help with that, and I'm guessing you will be able to find more than you think too. Also, check the laws in your state, but I'm pretty sure if he does manage to hide something and you find it later, even after a divorce is finalized, a judge can award 100% of what was hidden to you.)

I can completely relate to you feeling depressed. Right now give yourself grace. You are going through a traumatic event. One of the very worst kinds that a person can face. It is completely normal to feel depressed! You need to take some time to feel all of these emotions. That is the only way you will get stronger, which you will. It seems impossible now, but you are going to get stronger little by little, everyday. And the biggest reason is your kids. Let your kids motivate you to take baby steps forward. They need you right now, Mama! You can't control what their dad does, but you can be the stable, loving parent that they need. You can show them what strength looks like. Show them that you don't accept being treated like trash and you will not stand for it. You can do this!

Take it one day at a time. Sometimes less than that. You are already stronger than you think. It takes most people much longer to accept what has happened and to move forward with divorce. I played the "pick me dance" for about a year and a half. I thought we were in R, but he was just moving on to a new AP. You are going to get through this. And you don't have to have everything figured out right now. It'll come together. A good lawyer will help organize all the chaos and make you feel a little more in control.

Keep posting here. There are so many people who are so wise and have such wonderful things to say. I am sending you love and huge huge hugs! You can do this!!

I’m sorry. I’m in the same place. I thought I could bring my WW back and she eventually moved in with her AP. I live with our son and she sees him sometimes but not much. I feel depressed and unmotivated as well. I’m very sorry and I am sure it will get better. I’m becoming used to it now. She moved in with her AP in January so I’ve had a few months. Good luck. You’ll get through it.

I am so anxious about the divorce settlement as I was/am a SAHM, and he has lots of money but most of it is divorce-proof and he tells me he is hiding assets/income so I will get nothing.

Get a really good attorney and have them bring on a forensic accountant for you. Your STBX probably isn't as good at hiding his money as he thinks. Right now, you're feeling all the hurt and depression of a person who has had her life upended, and that's natural. But the reality is that there's no way your STBX gets to make kids and then lah-dee-dah off into the sunset leaving you all destitute. We tend to catastrophize when we're traumatized, but that's when you bring in your support network of family and friends, therapists and lawyers, and let them help. You're going to be okay. Really.

((big hugs))

he has lots of money but most of it is divorce-proof and he tells me he is hiding assets/income so I will get nothing. I'm not even sure I will be able to afford to keep our kids, even though he only sees them 3 hours a week and never ever cared for them while we were together.

Why are there so many narcissists in the world? Ugghhh. You need IC. I mean, not to get on your case, but why did you marry this guy? What an asshole! Did your family and friends ever like him? A good IC could really help you find yourself again. He is a horrible human being who wants to starve his children. You need to get strong and fight back.

There are MUCH better fish in the sea, guys without toxic personality disorders. You will find one. Get out of this mess first.

DailyGratitude:

I didn’t get to do anything while raising kids because xwh was rarely home. He travelled a lot for work and was out for "work" related events

I really looked forward to a day my youngest went to college so I can finally accompany my husband on his trips, go away for long weekends with him, and so on. Well, that’s all gone. Stolen.

YES! This is such a big part of why I am so sad. I was so looking forward to when our kids got older and we could do things together again, I could have fun again... and that future, which for me was so close, was stolen. Devastating.

r

Get yourself the best lawyer you can! This is so important

Thank you. Yes I have. The issue is in our country, businesses are not considered marital property. So my husband started businesses, took all of hour cash and took loans against everything he owns to invest in the businesses. The businesses that do not pay him anything so he doesn't have any income. I agree this doesn't sound as solid of a plan as he thinks, or else wouldn't everyone just do this?

I also wrote down the negative things about my husband and read them whenever i felt lonely. It reminded me why I should feel thankful that he’s gone.

I have been asking my best friend to remind me of the times I would call her deeply upset with my husband. I know I was unhappy in the marriage. He was a terrible husband actually and terrible father. I am grieving the fantasy of what could have been... had my husband been a different person. This is who he is. This is reality.

FuturewasStolen

Because when you were married, even if you were alone, you had the image of him with you. And conveniently, you can make that image anything you want! So any texts that you exchange, you can insert more meaning into, or you can imagine that he is missing you as much as you miss him. And you can look forward to the time when you'll be together again. But now even all that is taken away.

Oh my goodnesss.... yes. This is exactly what I did. My husband "worked" late so many nights, partied all night so much. Soooo many nights I would go to bed alone and wake up at 5 am and he still wasn't there. But I knew he was coming back. I could just not think about what he was doing without me. And a few hours later he would be sleeping in the bed (while I cared for the kids alone). I guess I was in love with a fantasy even then. The fantasy that one day he would stop drinking so much. That when the kids got older he would enjoy a family life with us. That I would be able to join him in some of the fun. That we would reconnect. Now that fantasy is dead. I'm not mourning reality- who he really was and how our marriage really was- I'm mourning the image of him with me that I had.

Also, I don't know your WH or what he does, but I don't think it's as easy as he thinks it is to hide money

Yes, his plan sounds pretty solid to me when he describes it- but a little too easy and I think this would be incredibly common and pretty much no wife of any man who owns his own business would get anything in a divorce if it was that simple. It has been absolute pulling teeth to get him to do any financial disclosure at all- he still hasn't given my lawyer anything after 3 requests and now we are threatening to take him to court?? So if it was that cut and dry I don't think he would have a problem handing over the documents.

ChamomileTea

But the reality is that there's no way your STBX gets to make kids and then lah-dee-dah off into the sunset leaving you all destitute. We tend to catastrophize when we're traumatized, but that's when you bring in your support network of family and friends, therapists and lawyers, and let them help. You're going to be okay. Really.

Yes that is what I am thinking. In our country businesses created during the marriage are not marital property- but how can he just move all his money and assets (through loans) into businesses and then say- oh sorry I don't have any money to support you guys. Or any income because my businesses aren't profitable. So I guess I will continue to live in our family home (he owned before the marriage) and you guys can just be homeless. BYE. Let's see.

OwningItNow

why did you marry this guy? What an asshole! Did your family and friends ever like him?

Yes they did. He was absolutely wonderful to me when he was in love with me. Things changed after we had kids. He promised up and down and all around that the partying would stop, he really really wanted the kids. He told me he wanted a family life. I believed him. My friends and family liked him a lot.

*****

I dumbly increased my anti-depressant two days ago and I've been an anxious mess while I adjust to the higher dose. Maybe I should go back down... I broke NC today to ask him to please submit his financials. He responded, and then I even more dumbly wrote this:

"When I hear your voice I still hear the person I trusted most in the world just 3 months ago. The person who told me word for word that he 'was always honest' and 'never hurt me'. I thought we were just arguing here and there about you staying out all night or about a room being messy. Nothing marriage ending. I wish you had told me what you were really thinking. I just wish I could have saved it for the kids. And us. We used to be so in love. It's still so hard for me to understand."

Chances of him responding to that are absolutely 0. I wonder what he thinks when he reads that, or if he just thinks I'm annoying and pathetic and wants me to go away. Me, the mother of his children. The person who he stood up in front of 200 of our friends and family and promised to love me forever through good times and bad. That person who means so little to him now. Just 6 years later.

Consult with a good attorney (consultations are free). As a stay at home mother, you are entitled to support when your husband leaves you. You are also entitled to child support. Take his claims about being "divorce proof" to the attorney and get his opinion on that. Family court stinks, but the nice thing about it is that it does focus on the well-being of the children, and since he is an absentee father, the court WILL decide that the children should be under your care and that you need child support to provide that care. You will likely have to get a job, but don't assume that you're going to be "thrown out" of your house and will get no money. That would not be in the children's best interest, and the children's best interest is what family court is all about. Even if your husband gets an expensive lawyer and you're stuck with legal aid, that fancy lawyer can't pull a rabbit out of a hat and make your husband look like he was the children's primary caregiver, when the children hardly even noticed he lived at your home.

Don't be intimidated. You have a lot of legal rights and power. Go to court. The bluff and bluster of these bullies magically retreats when they are in front of a judge, and can't just bully you privately. I speak from experience, and my attorney told me that's a very common experience.