SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My story is similar to many of the posters in this thread. I discovered my husband's porn use about a decade ago. I don't know how long it had been going on , not did i know it went beyond use and being an addiction. I stumbled upon it accidentally and was shocked and sickened by it.
He promised me he would stop , but of course he didn't.

Some of the details in the early discovery are blurry. I don't recall what prompted me to search other than him coming home from work in a horrible mood when we were supposed to go to a neighborhood party...I remember seeing images on his laptop that were graphic , including of himself.

He was very protective of his phone ( god how I wish I addressed that when it started )

I eventually had a second discovery when we were reconciling his credit card charges and once again , porn website charges were there ...each time he has been caught , he set himself up for it...it's bizarre.

His porn usage eventually led to a hookup in what was once our favorite city , followed by more meetings with what turned into a multi-year affair with this disgusting woman.

He kept bringing it closer and closer to our marriage , as he gave her a job working remotely for our business..when that wasn't enough, he invited her here to work a few months in the summers of 2015 and 2016. The second summer , he got sloppy and I became suspicious , but he calmed my suspicions

I look back at that time with so much regret that I ignored my gut.
I hosted her for many dinners during that time...we did social things with her and even held a going away party
I can't tell you how sick it makes me and all the tainted memories that continue to traumatize me still

It was November of 2017 when I learned of his affair. We were casually looking at pictures together on his ipad when suddenly, he realized there were things there he didn't want me to see...so once again guarding his devices.
I was so upset that I started digging. He went on a business related trip with our friend and I told him that he can't come home and I demanded he leave his laptop and ipad...which he did.

I spent two days combing thru emails and finally remembered that she had an iphone from us that she used , and that was how I found out..there were half naked photos exchanged , expressions of " love " the word soulmate was there and oddly , the very minute I had my proof ...he walked in on me having a mental breakdown

What a nightmare , and he of course downplayed it

We went thru several therapists and more than one DDay. We made a lot of progress , or so I thought until I discovered his porn use started up again . I know it had been happening for at least 6 months

He is back with a new counselor but my hopes are low. I just don't think he can stop his addictive behaviors and secret life...it's been a lifelong pattern in one way or another

Divorce is on the table , although I haven't made a move with that. I just am not ready yet. We are sleeping in seperate rooms and not intimate at all.

I just wanted somewhere to vent since I don't have anyone to talk to about what's happening

As the forum heading states..."I can relate" there is no one you can talk to, like in an AA group or AlAnon group. I just found this site, and I am on Wetonglen also. I've been on that one longer. All like minded women whose partner has betrayed them thru sex and or porn addiction. It isn't like you can bring this up at brunch with your girlfriends, can you? No. We have to keep it hidden, quiet, so no one knows the hell we are dealing with every damn day. Society is "OK" with drug and alcohol addiction, even gambling. But not porn. Not sex addiction. It is perverse. My husband has, according to the good CSAT therapists we work with, the hardest case they have ever seen. He has been porn addicted for 40+ years. He cycles in and out. The last few years we get a good 4 weeks, then a bad 4-6 weeks. It flips on and off. We've been married 10 years. He kept this hidden until I discovered it 6 months after we married. I had no reason to not trust him. He had his phone, I had mine, same with laptops. He inadvertenly left something open on his and left the room, and I saw it. My world crashed. When he is in his good phase he is pretty much a great guy. But I can tell when he has flipped. I know instantly. And I am never wrong. Our couples therapist and his therapist, both CSAT as I said, have urged him to go to a residential program. We can't afford it and insurance doesn't pay. He has a small inheritance and I said "I am not spending a single penny of my family money on this problem of yours. It isn't my problem, its yours. Spend your family money" and he will not. I mean, we are talking 75,000 or so, and there is obviously no promise and no money back. I feel like lately even the counseling money is a waste. He has been in counseling/therapy for a looooong time and no improvement. When your therapist says "you're the hardest case I've ever worked with in 25 years of being a therapist" that is NOT a good thing. I wish I had answers for you. For me. But I don't. Just know that there are many, many of us out here and we/I care about you.

Greetings to you all from one who came here years ago, wore herself out posting, and these days doesn't check in here very often.

I just want to say it is sad how the obscenity of a sex addict's problem contaminates our lives, not only with betrayal trauma but leaving us in absolute, profound shock at how we somehow never suspected a thing?! In that respect LB, you are not alone!

3 days from now it will have been 22 years since my world imploded. I'm still not resolved I could have avoided getting married to such a sick man, and that is a shameful feeling about my past I feel I have to cope with or else erase 32 years of my life story, impossible. So I'd warn anyone not to invest this much time and life energy into waiting for a sex addict to change!

During the 4 years we were getting to know each other, neither my then BF nor any of his acquaintances - coworkers and one or two of his car guy buddies - ever dropped 1 teeny hint of his severe problem. The circle he ran in, however, was not known for its happy family lifestyle, as they all were required to travel across country every couple weeks for most of every year. He must have kept his prostitute use well shielded even from his buddies, as one of them remarked to me one day about 'what a good guy he was, he didn't hang out at the hotel bars with them, nor join them at the strip clubs...' (very often, ahem...later I learned that occurred, even if infrequently.) But the guy seemed to be happily married himself, and he was trying to convince me that his coworker was a "great guy" and all that. I really don't think that guy was b.s.'ng me, either. Relative to behavior he saw in the other guys, my BF must have worked super hard to come off as Mr. Goodie Two Shoes!

I wish I had more healing words for every one who finds themselves here. I'm sorry it's so hard to find the right things to say sometimes.

To LB: you may want to "read the tea leaves" and accept that staying with this level of broken man won't have a magical happy ending for you. I did 12 years straight of believing I could have a New Husband, only to have him walk into a hotel room to be serviced by an undercover cop on my birthday, and get his mug shot plastered all over the nightly news and local papers, losing us all our new friends in our New Beginning community. My birthday present was picking him up at the county jail, after his car was impounded.

Sure wish I wouldn't have read so many books about hope and change, nor hung onto the advice of our clueless MC, and instead, wish I'd heeded the advice of the IC who told me "The best predictor of future behavior is the behavior you have seen." When I heard that, I really didn't like such a reductionistic summary of what my SAWH was going to be capable of, going forward, since he seemed so sincerely ashamed and regretful. But history proved that IC was objectively correct.

Really sucks, but you have more than enough justification to get the hell out.

I really appreciate everyone's honesty and stories. It has already helped me so much, knowing I'm not alone.

Thank you all. I hate feeling this messed up, but I guess it's my new norm. I am going to try and find a CSAT counselor for myself.

Superesse, I am so sorry you experienced that including the ruined birthday.

Birthday ruining seems to be a thing… I am humiliated to share that child services called one birthday for exwh because he was supposed to be a reference for pos ow in an investigation against her for neglecting her children to bang random strangers like wh. Wt actual is wrong with these seemingly conscious-less ones? I can’t drive past the botanical gardens (where I had my birthday lunch) without thinking about this.

Does anyone know of any success stories with a long-term PA/SAWH? The more I read, the more I'm ready to walk. WeTonglen seems to have a lot of couples who are working on it together and doing pretty well. But I'm mid-50s and I don't want age alone, or be a burden on my family, either.

I don't know if we will be a long term success story.

We are 49. Dh probably was an addict by the time he was 18. He was sober for 3 years, relapsed for 7, and now has been sober/in recovery for 7 years.

He's stayed sober through me having bread cancer. So I think this time is better. But no guarantees for tomorrow.

We still have 3 minor children at home. My youngest won't be 18 until we are.60.

I live in a state that allows for legal separation. That is my best option if he relapses again and lies about it again.

My WH does not have a formal diagnoses of sex addicted and I do not think he is but he has had years of porn use behind my back and multiple one night stands the last ten years that were coworkers and not solicited. He was faithful the first ten years of our marriage.
We are only 2.5 years into recovery.
I did go to a group for women recovering from betrayal and there were many women married to diagnosed sex addicts.
There were a couple that had long term success stories (7-8 years) that ran the group.
These men were very dedicated to self growth and one of them helped run a recovery group for men.
I really think my WH did not stop his behavior because he had no consequences. If he did cheat again though I would be done. He has not had any indiscretions since I have had the whole truth of his affairs.
I do know there were multiple women that their husbands seemed to be extremely remorseful, did couple therapy, individual therapy, retreats and then four or five years later they were unfaithful again.
It’s such a risk to take. I think if you are on your first chance for your WH then if you see remorse it could be worth trying. In my opinion if they see your pain and repeat their behavior that’s just too much for me. But I also know I would never say never and would never judge anyone giving their spouse another chance. I also think we are all in different situations financially and with kids and we have to act accordingly.