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Three weeks ago I found out from my 16 year old daughter that my husband of 20 years has been having an affair for the past two years with someone he met through work. He claims it to have been an emotional rather than physical relationship but has deleted all messages between them. They were speaking on whatsapp/text/phone daily, he was sending her flowers monthly and other expensive gifts with intimate and emotionally charged messages. I have found some of the receipts for the gifts but he is still being very secretive and claims not to have met her out of work and yet I have seen bookings for restaurants (which he claims to have cancelled)......I am all over the place and wondered if anyone has been through similar and has any guidance.

I'm so sorry you had cause to find us, but glad you did. We've got some resources for you to read in The Healing Library which will help get you started. I do think though that your husband had motive, means, and opportunity, and while we can't say for sure that he's lying about the physical nature of his affair, we can say that minimizing is common, Cheaters often will not admit to any more than you can prove, and of course, you've already established that he's not above lying.

I think your best bet would be to see your doctor for STD testing and stress management, and also to meet with at least one attorney to make sure that you're informed. That doesn't mean you have to file for divorce right away, only that you're not making mistakes which might cost you later. Even in "no fault" states, adultery can affect settlement so it's good to have all the facts.

It's really important just now that you're taking excellent care of your health. This kind of stress is so hard on the body. Your "lizard brain" can't really tell the difference between clear and present danger and emotional trauma. It sends signals which release the chemical preparation for "fight, flight, freeze" either way. It's important to eat as healthy as you can, sleep when you can, stay hydrated, avoid alcohol, and get some light exercise. I was so sick four months after dday, I'd have divorced my fWH on the spot if it meant my stomach would stop roiling.

Remember that you're going to be okay. It's going to suck getting through to the other side but we've all done it (or in the process of doing it) and you will too.

((hugs))

It’s not just an emotional affair b/c he’s seen her outside of work. He did not delete the reservations he made - that’s a lie. Flowers and gifts and heartfelt messages all add up to an affair.

He has cheated. Doesn’t matter if it’s physical or not.

What are your next steps here? Your daughter knows so now she’s watching what you do.

So sorry for both of you.

I am struggling to piece it all together as at the moment I cannot prove it was a physical affair too although the emotional side is painful enough and nearly £1,000 spent on flowers, Tiffany necklace, perfume.......I cannot see the bank accounts or phone records as I am not the primary account holder. He is being very emotional with me and claims to have ended it with her saying that it was a huge mistake, a fantasy and was not real. None of it adds up.

My 16 yr old was suspicious that he was being secretive with his phone messages and walking down the garden when he was on telephone calls so couldn't be heard. She got onto his laptop and found receipts. She and her older sibling have known for 6 months but didn't want to tell me. He's said he was in a low place, found someone who cared, the escapism helped especially during a period when our son was ill (he sent flowers to her when my son was in hospital post major surgery). The OW had a fling with one of his other colleagues and has a relationship with another man whom she does not live with. It took him two weeks to call her to break it off but I wasn't party to that call. I am anxious every day, don't know what to do and desperately need to start helping myself to get back on track.

His messages to the OW professed deep love - the message with the Tiffany necklace was:

"Dear [name] This is my gift to you because we are inextricably entwined, linked and unable to release from each other. It matches because I know and will always understand you and all that you need [name] xxx"

One message with some of the flowers said:

"Dear [name] Wherever you are, whatever we are, I just want you to know that I do and always will care. All my love Always"

This was at the end of May. We went on holiday in July and the gifts continued after then.....right up until the day before I found out.

I torture myself every day looking at the screenshots retrieved by my 16 yo daughter.

Generally speaking, if a wayward's lips are moving right after Dday, they are probably lying or minimizing. It is rarer than hens teeth to find a wayward who is totally honest after discovery.

Now, people are going to say that he is most likely cheating as we have literally seen and heard it all over the years. I cannot tell you how many stories I've read of waywards who deny until the eleventh hour, swearing on all that is sacred that nothing happened, then it was just a kiss, then the got a room but chickened out, then it was only oral, one time, a couple time but they never enjoyed it, yadda, yadda, yadda.

The point is, you are going to go through a difficult time, but go through it you must. Read everything,post often, especially before you do something. Use the collective wisdom of this place. It has saved nany, including me.

Resist the urge for the quick fix, get back to normal solution. It will just lead to more pain down the road. And take some comfort in this: it will get better, albeit slowly and in a nonlinear fashion. I hate the nonlinear fashion. Really hate it.

Whatever you choose to do, make sure it's the best for you. Take your time, get support for you and your kids as well. Good luck.

I cannot see the bank accounts or phone records as I am not the primary account holder.

Why not ask him to provide them? If they're online accounts, all he needs to do is give you the password. If they're paper, he can request printout copies which should be handed to you without edits.

It's on him to prove that the story he's told you is true, so he should be eager to reassure you, right? He's got a demonstrable history of deceit at this point, and the only way to build new trust is to be completely open with you on any question you ask. He's telling you he wants to stay. He needs to earn it.

I torture myself every day looking at the screenshots retrieved by my 16 yo daughter.

It's not unusual AT ALL for you to be looking at the evidence every day and thinking about the betrayal 24/7. It's not optimal, but the vast majority of us go through it. Your brain is like an organic computer and the data you've been supplied is corrupt. It takes time to rebuild the story and verify it, and reverify it, and reverify it. You'll be doing that until at some point the story is acceptable to you and it's only then that your brain will file it away as the new truth. Don't beat yourself up over it. You're still really early days and the shock hasn't even worn off yet.

It's time to stand up for yourself.

1) take care of your health. Exercise, hydrate, go to the gym, do things you like such as connecting with your friends for support. All without caring about WH and what he thinks.

2) You need to realize that you have leverage. He betrayed you, he needs to make himself safe for the marriage and help to heal you. If he does not do that, you choose D. If he does do that, you get to decide if it is enough to stay and R or if you D anyway. This meaans you decide what you need from him. Access to all his devices may be the bare minimum. Access to all financial records too. And maybe access to the accounts themsleves too.

3) To have a chance at true R, most everyone needs the truth first. He is covering up plenty. He needs to give you a written timeline with the detail you need as a fundamental condition for potential R. Without disclosure, no chance of R. With truth, it may be possible.

The other thing my daughter found out was that DH and OW were linked on findmyiphone app so were tracking where each other was - presumably to work out when to speak or even meet (though he denies they ever met up outside of work....)

I feel sick, shocked and utterly confused about what to do. He's behaving like everything will carry on as normal. He says he's finished it but it took him 2 weeks to do that and I have no evidence he even did.

The pain is visceral and I am not sleeping.

He believed he loved her. They behaved as adults do,when they think they're in love. They had sex.

The vast majority of men don't have affairs to buy fancy gifts,and send sweet notes. They're in it for the sex.

Schedule a polygraph.

And both of you need to be tested for stds.

If she is married,call her husband. Don't tell your husband. He shouldn't be talking to her,so if he confronts you,you know he is talking to her. Also,he will warn her.

She's not married. Divorced, has a current boyfriend and was seeing another colleague of DH before they started their affair. She has two children and he will still see her at work so there is little I can do about it all

Sally,

I am sorry you are here. What did you tell your husband you needed from him in order to continue your marriage?

He is being very emotional with me and claims to have ended it with her saying that it was a huge mistake, a fantasy and was not real. None of it adds up.

If it doesn't add up what he says is not true. It sounds like he is trying to rugsweep his affair. They probably are continuing the affair underground now. It's hard to believe that after two years that it ended just like that.

At minimum you should insist you have access to all accounts, passwords ect so you can put a timeline together of dates, hotels ect that will help reveal the relationship. When he comes home from work he should put away his phone, laptop ect and be present for you and your family.

Please see a few lawyers to get an idea what a divorce would look like. Not that you have to file but it is good to have knowledge. I don't know what your financial situation is but it helps to have this information.

She has two children and he will still see her at work so there is little I can do about it all

The ball is in your court. There is plenty you can do. You can tell him that if he wants to stay married to you he needs to get another job.Put a var in his car. Ask for a written timeline of the affair.Ask for polygraph. He needs to treat you and you kids like the special people you are. He needs to win you back as you are the prize.

[This message edited by Prettyflawed at 11:39 AM, Tuesday, September 20th]