SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My ex-WW also went thru ECT treatment. Yes it does affect memory. One thing I remind myself is that with all the excuses, she was able to arrange times with the other person. There were things she did but there were lines she clearly would not cross. She never stole anything, she never got a speeding ticket, she showed up for work and on & on. So even with the mental illness she knew right from wrong, other than F**king another person while married. I wish I could tell you that things might get better but I do not lie on purpose. My WW had an identical twin. The twin confronted her on the affair but then about five years later their teenage son comes home to find his 42 year old mother naked on a couch with a naked 21 year old, covered by a sheet. She told the ex- BIL that nothing happened It got worse and they divorced after 20 years of marriage. Their two kids are still a mess. Focus on your kids!!

kenny55, it sounds like you've been through a lot. I'm sorry to hear it, but I'm thankful you're sharing. The mental health aspect adds a complication to dealing with the infidelity. But you're right - these were the choices she made. And even if it started during a manic phase, it continued. I know my wife hadn't been diagnosed at the time of her infidelity, but, she still knew better.

LegsWideShut, thanks for your encouragement. I find I'm constantly reminding myself that this isn't my fault that she cheated. Though, I am partially accountable for our relationship issues, in that by trying to find the best way to cope with her mental health issues, I've enabled bad behavior and family dysfunction. I've trying to create proper boundaries and bringing a better stability to my household, instead of just times of peace.

All this being said, I'm trying to look at all options now, knowing that I may have tough choices ahead of me.

WW and I had a couples therapy session last night. We talked about her trying to write about timeline and answers to a list of questions I'd previously written down for her. She was stressed because she doesn't remember anything. She admits to cheating with an EA, but only remembers one instance of meeting together, at a bar during a conference - and says that they left each other after one drink. That he spoke about being sad he didn't have someone. She says she's 99% sure it didn't get physical.
She knows I have proof of meeting other times, and she agrees she must have, but just doesn't remember those times. She was begging me to believe that she will tell me whatever she remembers, and she's working with her therapist to try to remember things.

I'm not sure what she doesn't remember vs what she's not allowing herself to reveal. I'm not in a place to trust. So I'm left with a difficult choice. Whatever the form of her affair, it ended around a decade ago. The AP was single at the time, and got serious and eventually married around the time the affair likely ended or fizzled out. I don't think there was an overlap. If I take her at her word that she doesn't remember anything due to her memory issues caused by ECT. Do I reach out to her AP? I had decided with myself not to do that - for some of the very same reasons I've seen described in other posts. That the AP is irrelevant, shouldn't be included, could likely only cause harm. I've told my wife that I was keeping the option open - to try to push her to be more truthful, but I was bluffing. Given the potential that she may actually have memory issues, is it worth the risk? Is there a right way to do it?

Otherwise - I have her cell phone from shortly after the affair (timing is best guess). It's an LG Ally (Android) phone from 2010 - it didn't use SIM cards. I am only able to see the last 13 messages on it, none from him. I would like to try to find a service to look for deleted items. I tried some tools - but most of them only work with later cell phones. Any recommendations for a service that could do the forensics work for deleted texts? [Note - I also don't have the password for the google account - nor does she - she's created a new google account for every phone she's gotten over the years because she doesn't use smartphones for email].

Thanks again to everyone. This site is really helpful, and your feedback is very welcome. It feels good to have some external voices weighing in.