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Me a 58-year M married to Wife 56-year F married 30+ years. Up and down life pretty much like anyone else no reason to doubt her until yesterday when she told me joking that you might hear that me and my boss are having an affair, just in case you hear from anyone else. I don't know anyone that works with her as a friend or through social media so my mind started thinking this must be motivated by fear. She tells me I'm crazy and it's just a joke and get over it. Not sure what to think to be honest as I'm constantly thinking about it. I found his wife on social media and said I was going to share the joke with her, and her response was if you do, I'll never speak to you again as I have to work there. Am I being paranoid or should I believe her. I'm not really sure. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

Thanks to all for the advice, it's very much appreciated. To answer some of the questions, yes, a lot more phone activity with locking it if I come close. More effort in appearance when going to work. No night outs with the girls or unexpected business overnights. Just going to work earlier where perhaps my suspicions about being no one else being present have me wondering? My gut as was mentioned is telling me something's wrong and since this arose, I'm getting a lot more attention now which is uncomfortable as she wasn't like this for years. It just doesn't add up and as said I need to be more proactive and follow the leads by using some of the suggestions supplied by you kind folks.

I feel numb in answer to that question. I'm continuing to investigate as recommended by so many of you kind respondents. Latest updates I was able to access her phone and can see clearly that she removed him as a contact and also deleted a WhatsApp chat with him. She claimed that it was to save me further worry but I don't see that as plausible. Why do this now and furthermore lie that she had not been in recent contact with him. She forgot she gave me his number so I could clearly see a conversation that she had with him on Nov 02nd. She feigns even remembering this call and is uncertain what it was about. Really odd considering the comment about removing him as a contact don't you think? I know we're done at this point but need to find the hard evidence of which I'm looking at the options that you kind folks shared already.

[This message edited by CRK1964 at 8:03 PM, Monday, November 7th]

Considering you don't know anyone she works with,there's no reason you would hear anything like that. So, it sounds like someone has found out, and threatened to tell you. She's saying it's a joke,so when, and if,that person contacts you,she's hoping you dismiss it.

Call his wife. She is probably the one who found out. We see this a lot. One spouse finds out, the AP warns his OW,or OM, that there's a rumor going around that's false,and the wife,or husband, is calling all of their coworkers spouses, and telling them their spouse is having an affair with their husband.

Common cheater tactic.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:05 PM, Monday, October 17th]

Did she explain why you might hear this? If there is an office rumour then surely she can explain the origin.

CRK1964:

Sorry you find yourself here. Read in the healing library and take care of you.

It appears she is fishing to find out what you might have been told about her and her boss. And she drops this bomb out of Nowhere! If this was a joke she had to understand how asking the question might arouse your suspicions. Then she wants you to drop the topic.

I think you would be wise to reflect on any red flags you have seen in hindsight. What does your gut tell you? Has she been guarding her phone? Any differences in her dress? Has your sex life changed? Be smart. She may have been joking, we don't know her. But I would be on alert and in investigative mode.

Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 1:50 PM, October 17th (Monday)]

That is a very odd thing to say out of nowhere. Was their a lead up to this? Did she explain why people were "joking" about that?

I would be suspicious and start keeping my eyes and ears open if I were you.

Her threat to not speak to you again if you tell the cheater’s wife is more telling.

I suggest contacting the cheater’s wife. She may be trying to contact you and your wife and her cheating H are blocking the contact.

I had an odd interaction with my H about 3 months before dday1. I didn’t suspect cheating at the time but looking back, that was when he started the affair.

His guilty conscience had him make an off-hand comment about the birthday gift he gave me. I’m not one for big flashy presents. I’m Happy with a doughnut from my favorite bakery.

What he gave me was very nice but he had some guilt around it. He made the comment and I just looked at him like "what?! ". My gut was right that the comment stemmed from guilt.

Cause he was cheating. I found email evidence a few months later.

CRK,

A few questions.....

How long has your WW been working with OM/Boss.

Was there a noticeable change in your relationship with your W after she began working with OM?

The change could be more or less sex or different kinds of sex she was never interested in before.

Did she ever say she was in love with you but not in love with you?

Normally we would have advised you to chuckle about it and then go into detective mode, but most of us did not have the foresight that we now have in hindsight either.

I found his wife on social media and said I was going to share the joke with her, and her response was if you do, I'll never speak to you again as I have to work there.

Easy to test the waters here. Affair partners talk right? Tell the other wife incognito at first that you suspect her husband is sleeping around with staff but it’s rumoured ATM, if you find anything more concrete you’ll let her know but if she finds anything concrete to please let you know. Create new email address for this where she can reply to you, nothing identifying you or your WW just now.

If you’re wife comes home in a rage it’s obvious the boss ran to his affair partner to talk/freak out about this.

There are literally millions of jokes and scenarios your wife could have mentioned but instead she said what she said about cheating with this boss. That’s strange and in the infidelity world ‘where there is smoke there is fire’. I back up what others have written about analysing your wife’s behaviour of late. Has she paid more attention to personal grooming and her looks? Is she more detached or more frisky than usual? Is a device stuck with her (does she take the phone into the bathroom or sleeps with it under her pillow??) do you feel she is ‘going through the motions’? Does her words not match her actions? Does she go on longer errands, come home later, has new hobbies? Does she smell different at times? Does she guard the laundry more ?? Really compare what she was like this time last year to recent times, is something off??

Honestly that's odd to the point that it should definitely be raising a serious red flag.
Everything in your post says "worry about it".
Personally I would check with her bosses wife. Her preemptive "joke" has no context to set it within so you couldn't possibly take it as a joke. Its called heading it off at the pass.
She said you're "crazy and it's just a joke and get over it" so again, where is the joke? If the office is saying shes having an affair with her boss, that really isn't a joke, or I should say I can't see the humor in that claim. You know none of her work mates, so again, what and where is the joke? If it were a joke, obviously her work mates know it to be as such, so none of them are going to look you up to get you in on the joke. Or I wouldn't think they would. It sounds more like the people in her office are legitimately questioning it and she's afraid you WILL hear of it.
Her threat sounds more like a bring you to heel threat than it does anything else. And yes, I would get in touch with her bosses wife, and if that upsets her, thats more on her than you. You dont yell fire and then get mad that the fire department came.
Sorry you're here and here's hoping its better than it looks.

Believe it or not, it really is a common tactic of cheaters, when they're about to get busted, to tell their spouse that there is a "rumor going around" that they're sleeping with _____ and to ignore it. Don't ignore it. I concur with whomever said to send a message to the boss' wife anonymously that her husband is sleeping with your wife. If your wife later confronts you about it you can simply say to her "why are you asking me? you're the one who told me there's a rumor floating around."

CRK , You now need to go into detective mode. Investigate what your gut is telling you. Put a VAR under the seat of her car. If you Google it you can find out all the tips and tricks. Also , put a GPS tracker on her car. Both of these are available on Amazon are are fairly cheap. Do you have access to her phone ? That's probably the best place to start. If no access see if you can look at her phone bill . Look for repetitive numbers and texts. Does she go out to lunch with him ? . Is he married ? Try to find out all you can about him . Do you have access to her social media ? Does she have the snapchat app or what's app installed on her phone ? These are cheater apps. IMO. DONT ever let on that you are investigating. Hopefully it's nothing , go with your gut

Hi, CRK, I would definitely go into investigative mode.

"Rumors" like having an affair don't just pop out of thin air. Someone made a discovery IMO and your wife is afraid it's going to get back to you.

Check phone records if you can. Place a secret var in her home office or vehicle. GPS on her car.

You deserve to know the truth, and your wife's reaction is a huge red flag.

You absolutely should trust your gut on this and investigate vigorously. But tread carefully. If you're very fortunate it may be something you can head off while it's still in the flirtations stage. If you're unfortunate it could be a full-blown affair. But you also don't want to blow up your marriage if it's a misunderstanding or something that can be headed off.

If she raises it further you should ask the honest questions that anyone would. "Why would anyone think that?" is the big one. Did she speak to that? Other than that you should not give any indication that you're going to investigate further. Never reveal your sources or how much you know.

Consider your relationship and what you feel justified in doing to investigate at this point. My belief is that privacy is a gift that we give our spouses out of love and trust. When there is evidence that trust may have been breached I think you have a right to know everything that your partner is doing until you can be confident that they're worthy of that trust again. But you need to be able to justify that to yourself and your spouse if it comes to that.

It sounds like access to her phone would be telling. Do you know her password? Is she on your phone account where you might be able to get access to her texts online? Be wary of anything that might notify her of your activity. For example, if she's on icloud even if you know the password it will ping her phone with a notification when you access online.

If you can't get phone access, a VAR and GPS may be your best bet. The fact that it only seems to be early mornings with no evening or overnight excuses at this point may be cause for hope. Maybe they're just meeting for breakfast and haven't worked their way up to that.

I'd recommend that you read "NOT 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass. This can help you understand how a friendship can slide into an affair and spot the signs. Even if you're just heading something off in the early stages it can help give you the tools to talk about it and create strong boundaries for your marriage.

Who calls a married man and, as a "joke", tells him his wife is having an affair with her boss?

In dozens of threads here, when a spouse says something like this, it's because she is in fact cheating with the boss and is trying to deflect you.

Yes....I would definitely think that something is going on. Why would she even say that , even in jest ?

This may sound rather extreme but if you really want to know hire a PI....They range from 70 to 120 $ you will get answers in a few days.

Yes they’ve been caught and someone is threatening to tell you, maybe even another coworker. Now she can go back and report that she told you.

I caught a friend cheating and told him if he didn’t tell his wife, I would. He came to me and said he told her. When it blew up, from someone actually telling her. He had only told her to expect rumors.

Start digging, there is much more to this.

She's hiding something most likely. Look on the computer and the phone. That's where I got my truth. Wasn't going to get it from him.

It is possible she has deleted any evidence of calls or texts. However you can always log on to your wireless provider and look up her activity that way.

If you see the same # (unrecognizable) constantly, that may be your first clue in tracking down info as to who your wife "is not having affair 🤪) with.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:02 PM, Thursday, October 20th]

How are you feeling today?

I would not, at this time, approach the bosses wife.

IMHO, I don’t think you have enough to go on to make THAT move. If there’s nothing going on, contacting the boss’s wife could be very embarrassing, damaging.

You do however, as the other excellent posters have mentioned, have ample reason to discreetly investigate further.

Check phone records, check texts, social media communications, VAR the car, GPS tracking etc.

I have seen in my workplace, a very coed workplace, totally unfounded rumors get started requiring those involved to proactively warn their spouses that they might hear something. Just be cognizant of that possibility.

On the other hand, trust your gut and continue to discreetly, but effectively, investigate. If you handle this ham-handedly, you can cause damage or, drive the affair-if any, underground.