SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone. I'm here with an update:

The constant pain has reduced, but isn't completely gone. But this time around I haven't let myself wither away. I eat, sleep, and exercise.

WS has kept up with his changes so far. He's been more proactive taking care of himself and pulling his weight around the apartment than he ever has been. He's still going to IC. He's roping in a lot of his shitty behavior, and I think part of that is I'm also not dealing with it anymore. The rare times he does get weirdly touchy or argumentative I just detach and tell him I'm not going to engage in it. He comes back to apologize once he's calmed down.

The situation is this: I've told him I'll give him a year, until the end of 2023, to get his shit together. Therapy, psychologist, etc. At the end of the year I will review his changes and work and decide if I want to even ATTEMPT R, or if I'm leaving for good. The year timeline may change as the year progresses, but that's where I've put the deadline right now.

I find myself fearing the possibility of starting over. I spent over a decade on this person, since we were teens. There is no doubt we grew up through formative years. I wonder if I really can find my prince if I leave. Someone who checks all of my boxes, hits all of my buttons..And most of all will be faithful to me. Any reassurance on this subject would be really nice..

So that's where I'm at right now

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 3:26 PM, Monday, February 12th]

It sounds like he's trying, but consistent actions over time will prove whether he's really changing.

I went in 6 month increments to see if XWH was changing...and ended up spending 18 months before my heart caught up with my head. That, and XWH got caught again.

This year might really suck. Feel free to adjust your timeframe if you need.

I agree with Leafields - you're free to change your limit whenever you want to, despite what you've said.

I'm only 30, I'm young, child free (never want kids), with a career, mentally healthy, physically fit, yet despite all of those things I find myself fearing the possibility of starting over.

Most new BSes aren't aware of their strengths, but you know yourself better now than 6 years ago. Human beings are emotionally vulnerable no matter what their strengths may be. Fear of the unknown is normal - I'd be worried if you didn't have some fear.

I'm only 30, I'm young, child free (never want kids), with a career, mentally healthy, physically fit, yet despite all of those things I find myself fearing the possibility of starting over. I spent over a decade on this person, since we were teens. There is no doubt we grew up through formative years, formed special bonds because of it. I wonder if I really can find my prince if I leave. Someone who checks all of my boxes, hits all of my buttons. And most of all will be faithful to me. Any reassurance on this subject would be really nice..

WG, honestly, dig into this. Why is it "starting over"? Why not growing and moving forward which includes going it alone or someone new? Do you feel like somehow your relationship with him is a waste or failure if it ends? And if so, why? Why not cherish the lessons learned and who you are today? Is this a race? Is there a prize if you stay together for X number of years and meet certain criteria?

Life is short. You now know that he is capable of doing it again. You know that he can go years behaving and then step out on you again when the opportunity presents himself. Does 2 months really matter compared to 6 years? He did everything right the first time. Didn't he already dig into himself and answer the exact same questions he's asking the first time? And so it didn't work. He still wanted to be the kind of person with you at home and someone on the side online. If 6 years wasn't enough, what is? Should you really wait until you're 40 to find out if he really did the work this time or not? It sounds like a bad gamble when you still have so many options available to you at your age. These can be the best years of your life and of your career. There is a lot at stake here if he rinses and repeats.

What I've found being in a similar situation is that the fear is more about keeping the status quo. It's more about feeling one way about a situation that isn't black and white. It's less about what is genuinely good for us to be better people. If you stay, is this your best self? Will you grow and be better by staying?

You don't have to answer today but at least give yourself the gift of asking yourself the hard questions. Get into IC. Really figure it out with a professional. Put YOURSELF first. Maybe you do need to wait a year and to see what happens. Maybe you don't and this just seems like the path of least resistance when he wallows and begs and your friends are not stepping up to the plate as advocates for you over him and the status quo. Is this really about YOU or is it about HIM?

What about the "mutual" friend he was sexting? Have you spoken with that person? Have you ensured he has no contact with them? Did he ghost them or officially end it with them? I’d just make sure they are out of the picture. A polygraph would be great to ensure nothing else went on between the six years. Sounds like everything is in order for you and you’re moving forward with positive changes in your life.

He did everything right the first time. Didn't he already dig into himself and answer the exact same questions he's asking the first time? And so it didn't work.

No actually. The first time was an absolute wreck. In my traumatized, young and ignorant mind I thought he WAS doing everything right. Looking back now, I don't even know what I thought "everything" was. He seemed remorseful, sure, he eventually went NC, sure, answered my questions without blaming me, okay, but then what? He didn't go to therapy, didn't address the inner flaws within himself that allowed him to cheat. I guess the one difference is he's doing those things now?

What about the "mutual" friend he was sexting? Have you spoken with that person? Have you ensured he has no contact with them? Did he ghost them or officially end it with them? I’d just make sure they are out of the picture. A polygraph would be great to ensure nothing else went on between the six years. Sounds like everything is in order for you and you’re moving forward with positive changes in your life.

Yes. When I first found out about the A, I contacted this person and told them I knew what was going on (They are single btw). I wasn't vicious but I certainly wasn't nice. WS sent one message with my permission and supervision going NC.

I brought up a poly and asked him if he would he take one? He said yes, and that his only worry would be around the fact they aren't always accurate.

There have been some feelings I've been struggling with recently, one being around the power dynamic shift that happens in a relationship when cheating is involved. I honestly hate it. I don't like feeling like the judge and he the criminal. I don't like the feeling of him groveling for my attention and approval like a dog that's dug one too many holes in the garden.

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 2:49 AM, Tuesday, April 18th]

leafields

It sounds like he's trying, but consistent actions over time will prove whether he's really changing.

I went in 6 month increments to see if XWH was changing...and ended up spending 18 months before my heart caught up with my head. That, and XWH got caught again.

This year might really suck. Feel free to adjust your timeframe if you need.

Thank you. The year was just a nice round deadline to pick, but I will take it month by month.

WG, honestly, dig into this. Why is it "starting over"? Why not growing and moving forward which includes going it alone or someone new? Do you feel like somehow your relationship with him is a waste or failure if it ends? And if so, why? Why not cherish the lessons learned and who you are today? Is this a race? Is there a prize if you stay together for X number of years and meet certain criteria?

I imagine it's the sadness talking. This has been my first and only relationship, so I think it feels especially debilitating to have it potentially end in such a terrible way after over a decade. I know there have been BS here with lives WAY further along and more complicated than mine (Married, kids, houses, pets), I know it's not healthy or helpful for me to think that way.

You don't have to answer today but at least give yourself the gift of asking yourself the hard questions. Get into IC. Really figure it out with a professional. Put YOURSELF first. Maybe you do need to wait a year and to see what happens. Maybe you don't and this just seems like the path of least resistance when he wallows and begs and your friends are not stepping up to the plate as advocates for you over him and the status quo. Is this really about YOU or is it about HIM?

I do believe I'm taking the year for myself, not for him. I'm comfortable with a roof over my head and a place to work at the very least. This also gives me the opportunity to deliberately save money for if I do end up leaving.

I know it's only 2 months out and feelings are still incredibly raw, but deep in my heart I think things will end in separation. I feel like, right now, it will take a miracle for us to stay together. My trust has been completely shattered and then thrown into a wood chipper. When I love someone I want to be completely in it. I want my whole heart and soul to feel on the same page. With cheating, it causes a separation within my heart. How can I put my full heart into someone who has hurt me so completely? Even if I think I can R, can I live with feeling like I'm only partially invested in my relationship? Am I okay with triggers sweeping my legs out from under me without warning? Dealing with days where I want to be left alone and feel no comfort from my partner? It infects..Everything. I can't hear a love song, see a couple on TV, think about anything surrounding love or partnership without being painfully aware of the stinging pain that is the thorn of infidelity stabbed right into my heart. It feels like a mess

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 3:21 PM, Monday, February 12th]

WS has kept up with his changes so far. He's been more proactive taking care of himself and pulling his weight around the apartment than he ever has been. He's still going to IC and a psychologist. It seems with all of the secrets out, arguments between us - almost always started by him - have drastically decreased. He's roping in a lot of his shitty behavior, and I think part of that is I'm also not dealing with it anymore.

Sweet friend, let’s take cheating out of this equation. You are worthy of reciprocity and full partnership. It is concerning that there is so much shitty behavior to be roped in and that it took you catching him cheating for the second time for him to become "proactive".

You are 30 years old with a limitless life ahead of you. Please consider what you want that life to look like and steps you can take now to impact that outcome.

Thank you @self-rescuer. I'm doing my best :,)

Please schedule the polygraph exam. Him saying that they are sometimes wrong and he might fail is a red flag. Everyone will tell you that you will probably get a parking lot confession and that he will declare "Now you know everything." But the truth (most likely) is that even then you won't. Go through with the polygraph, and get it done. You can only forgive what you know and you don't want to continue to live a lie.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

Thank you @FunHouseMirror, I'll look into it.

Hi - I am also a second d-day person (d-day to me means finding out there has been another affair or the continuation of the affair just underground as if d-days were finding out about more lies I would have like 728 or something). I too felt less outwardly devastated than time #1...but it did not last, so take care of yourself. Get some therapy for you. I found that later on (Wh too the A underground for a year after being caught - so my d-day#2 was almost exactly one year after d-day 1) - about 6 months after d-day 2 that I was really struggling with depression and just the whole thing - who my WH really is who could have done this a second time, what he is and is not capable of doing as far as recovery goes... I didn't have the emotional attachment that I had with my WH after time number 2 and the reality of the lies and treatment he bestowed upon me after knowing the hurt from d-day1 just kind of hit me like a ton of bricks.

I too was doing a sort of in-house separation trial whatever, mainly because I needed to save money and to get my ____ together before I could leave. I too had a 1 year timeline and at about 6 months I often had trouble coming home from work because I did not want to be there. (we also had a d-day 3 about 3 months after d-day 2 but honestly that was just a total joke to me - I wasn't nearly as hurt as I was angry at the time...but it caught up to me). Then COVID lockdown happened and messed up my plans to move for a bit longer and during that time when my WH really grasped that I was leaving (I did leave - we do not live together anymore nor are we married) did he finally decide to take a good look at himself and go about seeking change - for him. He's been in therapy for about 3 years now and there really are some discernible changes in him - he is also still short tempered sometimes, and lashes out and says crappy things, but there is a genuine apology when that does happen and it's pretty rare (before he would just rug sweep away and pretend it never happened).

So this is my long winded way of saying, you have no idea what changes you will see in your WP OR you in the coming weeks and months. it seemed to me like I was still on the roller coaster but it was slower in that the dips and peaks didn't come so fast and alternate so quickly - but the valleys were much deeper and longer and harder to see the end at times. Keep the focus on yourself - it's hard to do in close quarters and harder to do when someone is trying to convince you of something. Be mindful of your gut and trust what your brain tells you - and tell your heart to hold back a bit - you're going to need that head of yours.

@ThisIsSoLonely

Thank you for your advice and I'm so sorry you went through that. I'm happy to hear you were able to come out the other side with a decision that was best for you.

The one "positive" thing (If you can call it that) I can say about my WH and this second Dday is he came clean with everything without me even saying what I was accusing him of. There was no trickle truth around this incident. As is detailed in my first post, I only came to him with the vaguest of accusations. I actually didn't have any proof of anything that he admitted was going on. All I had were some conversations between him and this other friend that were DEFINITELY more than "just friends" type talk, and I said he had this one chance to come clean about everything. He did willingly admit to everything and said he didn't want to lie anymore.

I've told WH over and over that the changes he's making are good, and I'm happy about them, but that they are for HIM, not for me. He needs to change for him, because I may not always be there, and even if we split, those character flaws within him will not leave with me. He needs to fix them for him and whatever future awaits him. I think I've done okay at keeping my focus on me while he deals with his problems, despite us living in a 1 bdr apartment. I still love him, and so we still talk through things, and I am encouraging and supportive of his growth, but I'm not hanging on to the hope that it will change my feelings on the relationship.

I definitely get the roller coaster feeling. The emotions still change quickly, but it's more like days between alternating feelings whereas things felt like they changed by the hour during Dday 1. I know I can't predict how I will feel or what changes I will see in WH in a year's time, or even in a few month's time, but god it's been so hard to push away what my brain keeps telling my heart - that it's going to end in separation. That my heart has been irreparably altered by all of the lies and deceit, and no matter what he does, I can never love him the same way.

It's hard balancing the feelings of love and support I do still have for WH and the detachment that's naturally been occurring due to the trauma and pain. One moment I'm living happily with him, doing our usual thing, enjoying our shared interests and hobbies, him making me laugh and feel special, and then the next I'm struck by an uncontrollable sense of apathy towards him and our relationship. I find myself daydreaming about being single, entering the dating scene, enjoying those hard and fast feelings of limerance and getting to know someone new, maybe someone who is better for me, who wouldn't hurt me in the ways he has. To be honest, those thoughts make me feel extremely guilty.

When you decided to leave but had to stay in the living situation with your WH for a bit longer, how did you navigate that?

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 3:40 AM, Tuesday, January 31st]

I told my XWH that dday2 would be a dealbreaker. I was stuck in IHS for 4 very long months.

I took the bedroom and he got the living room. When I wasn't working, I pretty much stayed in the bedroom. Talk was limited to divorce and some meal planning. Treated him like a dorm mate and kept interaction to a minimum.

Update

Well, it's been hell, but I guess I'm nearing the finish line.

A few days ago I found out WH had in fact been keeping secrets, I know, very shocking. During and after DDay2 I gave him dozens of chances to come clean to me about everything. I told him that if we were going to be anything, he had to be honest with me. At the end of the day it isn't about the sex, it's about the lying.

I found out on my own, like I always have. And I'm done, beyond done. It hurts so fucking much. He knows I'm done and even he is bewildered at himself over why he would keep this secret. It wasn't worse than what I had already found out, and it wouldn't have changed anything. But the lying, that has changed everything.

My life feels like a hellscape, I'm forced to live in the same space as the person I've loved faithfully for over 10 years. I don't have the money to move out right now, so we're having to do an in house separation for probably at least a year. I feel like death. I feel everything and then nothing all at once. The emotions are back to changing every few hours. Sometimes I'm sobbing over the relationship I've lost, sometimes I'm cold and determined that I'll find someone worthy of me.

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 3:19 PM, Monday, February 12th]

So sorry, WG. There's a saying around here that it isn't always the A that kills the M, it's the lying afterwards.

Just take it one day at a time - even one minute at a time.

Sending virtual hugs {{WG}}

I am so, so sorry you are going through this.

My situation is a little different, but I think the feelings are similar. Right before Christmas I saw a naked pic of WH on his phone (he handed me the phone to show me something and the pic scrolled as he did, I did not suspect). He lied and said it was some online thing. He swore up and down he'd deleted everything, nothing more for me to know. He also spent a lot of time telling me he'd not been happy for years, which was also news to me. About a month later he told me he'd actually been having an affair for over a year.

When he told me about that affair, I knew I was done. I knew after the lying and covering up of the previous month I would never be able to trust him again (he'd also had a weekend long stand when we had been dating for 2 months). It doesn't matter that I still love him or frequently dream of reuniting...I know I would never feel safe with him again. Also, he has no interest in R, but even if he did I would not. I would rather be able to move forward with some hope that there might be something better in the future than live in panic and terror like I do now.

Something that has been helpful for me is something I did when I quit smoking 8 years ago. After I got through the first day w/o a cigarette I kept telling myself I never had to go through that hellish day again as long as I didn't smoke. I would never have to do that day again. I'm telling myself that now in trying to move forward.

I am so sorry. We could see and hear the hope in your posts, and I'm sure it hurt everyone to watch as you moved towards (what would turn out to be) false R.

BOA has some really great advice for you! I've never looked at anything in that way, and I'm going to try to use that strategy in my own life.

Here's to moving on and moving up! Whether we want to or not.

Thank you everyone for the support, you don't know how much I appreciate it. I'm sorry I can't always go back and respond to everyone individually, but please know I read each and every reply over many times.

Small update for you all. Things are feeling very..bland, to say the least.

I've started keeping a journal to give my emotions a place to live and breathe instead of being cooped up in my head every day. It's helped a little. I'll use it to rant when I'm in a particularly sad or hurt mood, then read it back when I've calmed down to help give the emotions more clarity.

WH and I still talk and interact with each other. One such talk was recently about where the root of his cheating resides. I've told him over and over that the act of cheating is a character issue, and at its core is a selfish and self-serving act. No matter how I explain it to him he doesn't seem to get or accept that. He says that he believes the cheating came from a place of pain from problems within our relationship and possible mental illnesses he may be suffering from. Am I being too harsh by saying these things? I'm not trying to say his feelings are wrong, of course they are real because he is feeling them, but they aren't based in REALITY to me, does that make sense?

With my journaling I've also been trying to say kinder things about myself and practice more self appreciation. I tell myself I'm beautiful, kind, fit, healthy, a career woman with a loyal and loving heart. When I do this I start feeling more positive about the future and finding someone worthy of me. Is it normal to feel like this? I don't know. My emotions are everywhere, what's new

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 2:54 AM, Tuesday, April 18th]