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I found out on March 16/23 that my husband was having an affair with an ex from 20 years ago. I (F54) have been married to him (M55) since August of 2019. When I initially discovered the affair he stated that it started in October of 2019. Last night he admitted that they started texting each other in January of 2018. If I had known about it then, I would have never married him but he took that option away from me. We have been together since May of 2012 so for half of our relationship, he has been involved with his AP, first as an EA, then it turned into a PA.

I feel like I don't even know this man. He was an expert at lying and deception and put a lot of effort into both keeping the affair going and keeping it a secret. I was committed to reconciliation until I found out the true date when they started communicating. Now I'm not so sure. We are both in IC and MC will start once I work through the pain of finding out. The trouble is, I keep finding out little bits of truth that were not disclosed at the beginning. It's like being blindsided over and over again and how am I supposed to work through anything when I don't even know the full truth? Each time I think "Okay, I know all I need to know" a little bit more comes out and I'm right back to square 1.

I'm numb right now. I don't know if I want to continue with reconciliation. Clearly, I've essentially been "on my own" for 5 1/2 years. Financially I can afford to be on my own, it might be tight but I can still do it. Is there anyone who has been in similar circumstances who was able to successfully reconcile or am I just wasting more of my precious life on someone who only sees what he had now that he's about to lose it all?

Welcome to SI and so sorry you had to find us. One post that you might find helpful is Before you say Reconcile - Recover! The Healing Library has a ton of information, as well as the pinned posts at the top of the page.

Learning that the agency was taken away from you makes you question everything.

Can you R? Well, it takes a lot of work and both of you have to be committed to doing the work. In my situation, my XWH didn't do the work to be a safe partner, so we are D. Others have been able to R.

A book that your WH (and you) should read is How To Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's really good and gives the WS points to work on. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass.

Many times, it's the behavior after the A that can make or break a couple. You've already experienced TT, and the lies can make it so you aren't able to re-establish trust.

I am sorry you had to find this place. Heartbreak is real. It makes us wonder "why me". You will find some great information from people sharing the same sadness. Lots old timers here and newcomers. All will try to help you through this.

He might be one of those who likes to hedge his bets so he’s got some secret places and secret people he can go to, or he might be one who enjoys the secrecy, and the sneaking around, more than he likes loyalty, or he might really love her and so he’s decided to keep both of you, or he can come up with any other reason. There is only one real reason. He did it because he wanted to. He enjoyed it or he would not have kept doing it. Your reality is do you want to continue to live with somebody who’s been lying to you since before your marriage. That’s a decision you will have to make it. Please don’t listen to any excuses. He did it because he wanted to. Your work now is to ask the tough questions. Most people feel that MC this early is not good for you. It is for repairing the marriage but can silence the bs who needs to vent, and vent, and vent.

How did the relationship start? The question you need to ask him is what made him decide to marry you since he already had a girlfriend.

I am so sorry these first few years of marriage have been a lie.

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:15 AM, Wednesday, May 10th]

This response comes from my own experience and regrets about how I handled it:

Separate.

You need time to heal.

He needs time to do the work.

He needs to understand the gravity of the situation.

Having time apart will allow both of you distance to decide what you're actually willing to do moving forward.

If he doesn't put in the work (which includes FULL honesty and transparency about the A), then he isn't R material and you'll be further along in your own healing anyway.

I wish I could go back and take my own advice.

Would have saved me lots of pain and our relationship would likely have had less damage from trickle-truth.

As a final assurance to you:

You don't need to explain to him that you NEED the truth louder, slower, or more clearly. He's heard you. He's choosing not to give it to you. That choice is still controlling and emotionally abusive.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 10:52 PM, Tuesday, April 11th]

I'm a deeply practical man. I think R is possible with the right candidate and good enough reasons.

Don't bother trying to reconcile with him. In some states you could even get an annulment instead of a divorce (if that's what you wanted between the two).

He has never been truly faithful to you and was lying to your face when he made his wedding vows.

There is no complex financial or children situation. So just peace out. Nothing here worth saving. Love isn't enough. You'll love your next partner and they won't have lied to you.

My personal opinion is that affairs with an Ex are worse than an affair b/c there is the emotional attachment and often "unfinished" business between them.

Breaking the attachment and bond with an Ex is the hardest to overcome. Also as the betrayed spouse, you are always going to wonder if things have picked back up again or if your spouse is secretly pining for the AP.

You have been lied to for too long. I would have a hard time believing the Ex has been eradicated. But again this is just my opinion.

Hi @Brokenhopeful I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this situation in your marriage and my heart goes out to you. I've also gone through the pain of betrayal and I know there can be light at the end of this tunnel.
However from my own experience, there are some things that needs to be in place for a successful R. Time to heal is important, sincere remorse from your H and doing all he can to rebuild the broken trust, telling you the whole truth and not trickle truth, IC and MC, cutting of all ties with the AP and doing it in your presence. Of course there are other things as well depending on your unique situation but these all helped in my R journey.

Please remember no matter what has happened, you are worthy of love that can be trusted.
Praying for you, emotional healing & strength and wisdom for the days ahead. Hugs )))

[This message edited by BellaLee at 5:35 PM, Friday, April 14th]

I remember seeing a saying around here about true healing/reconciliation only beginning when the last lie has been told.

Unfortunately, he's still lying.

Says quite a lot, no?

I am sorry to meet you here!

I would love to say reconcile, but I don’t think you have had a chance to have a real marriage yet. The man you have been with is simply a liar, over a decade. I know that duration of lying. You can’t trust him.

And here is the hard part to really understand, he probably can’t stop lying. It is kind of second nature.

My suggestion, tell him it is over. That you will not accept three people in the marriage! You are worth more. Ask him to leave. Do a hard 180. (See the library, it means zero talking). And start moving towards divorce. You can change your mind anytime if his actions show true remorse and you can forgive him. My ex cheated for 10 yrs in various ways. A 5 yr LTA with full emotional commitment plus massage parlours.

He is fully at fault. And you are worth more that this.

I have lots of mean names for people who hurt the people they said they love, essentially they are a sad representation of a human.

I am sorry this happened to you. Your feelings are justified and normal.

Wish you the best.

Dear Brokenhopeful,

So sorry to hear that you are facing this. I am facing something really similar with my wife as well, whenever she promised me to tell the whole truth, it turned out to be another story written by her. The first thing should be, him completely cutting off his relationship for good. He must prove it to you that he is done with the other woman.

Trust your gut instincts. No matter how hard he tells you that he told you the truth, if your gut tells you to not believe, do not believe him. You can also speak to the affair partner to validate the story you know, i did that. But make sure you are not asking the questions exactly as your husband said. For example, if he told you that they started in 2018, ask if they started in 2017. Questions should be either testing the truth, or just open ended, when-what questions. Avoid Yes-No questions.

Unfortunately, cheaters lie and they keep supporting these lies until you find the truth about them. Only a few cheaters have the courage to come clean. The first thing you need to do is to accept the truth, that your husban did this to you consciously, by choice and he was thinking extremely selfish about himself when he was doing it. Is this something you can digest if he becomes the perfect man in the future? Can you forgive him and continue if he solves his all issues and becomes the partner in your dreams? Can you let the past go? Is he really committed to fix this relationship, and fully aware that he is the one who fucked up and destroyed everything? Is he willing to take responsibility? Are you sure you want to put up with all the hard work to get over this with him, it may take even 10 years, is the relationship worth it?

Please understand that none of your actions could be the reason for the mess you are going through. Your partner put you in this situation just to feel happy himself selfishly and did not care the devastation he caused you. Be aware of all this, and your decision will form itself in time. Just observe his behaviour. You do not have to rush anything, you do not have to do anything on your side. You do not owe him anything, but he owes you the innocence that he stole from both of you.

Make yourself your own first priority. Eat healthy, excercise and make time for yourself. Build your own life. He should work and try hard to convince you. If he fails, he fails. Try not to worry too much for making a decision right now and focus on yourself. When your mind becomes clear after some time, then you can decide.

Don't give up! If you are able to successfully reconcile, that gives hope to all others who want to reconcile. I understand the betrayal. I have had both of my marriages blow up in flames because he was cheating. I don't know how to trust at this point, and it has affected my ability to trust ANYONE, not just a man it might be talking to, as the second marriage was just the worst fiasco anyone could have ever imagined, once I was told what was going on.

I hope things get better for you.

My WH (now ex) did such severe trickle truth the first month after D-Day that I was diagnosed with PTSD one year later.

We all become "better" with our understanding of cheaters over time and I didn’t find this site for maybe a year and by then we were separated. If I had earlier it would have helpful enormously because I would have been able to see all these patterns of behaviour amongst cheaters.

I don’t like your chances of feeling save with this man again.

My ex agreed to counselling too… IC and together … he trickled truth for at least nine months and therefore I’d suggest I still don’t know the truth. I only got it usually after a number of lie attempts and when I asked the "right" specific questions in a yes or no format.

I left the question I should have been asking was "what have you done that you wouldn’t have done if I was standing next to you?"

Divorce is the right option here.

If I had known about it then, I would have never married him but he took that option away from me.

you wouldn't have married him if you knew he was lying.

I was committed to reconciliation until I found out the true date when they started communicating.

you wouldn't have committed to R if you knew he was lying.

... am I just wasting more of my precious life on someone who only sees what he had now that he's about to lose it all?

Fool me three times?

Nope.

Your entire marriage was fraudulent. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who tricked you into marrying him? If you wouldn't have married him knowing he was screwing around on you, why would you stay married now? You're an independent woman, you don't share children with this guy, so get out now. You have a lot of life ahead of you, don't waste it on this cheater.

And I agree, cheating with an ex makes it worse and more likely to keep happening.

Take care of yourself.