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Hi all,

So many of you will know when it comes to reconciling with my BS I have made a fatal error in that I have subjected her to TT and essentially whilst the foundations of the A were laid out to her some of the more graphic details have had to be dragged out of me along with some other of the more relevant bits big and small.

I recently put up a post though in the WS section and one thing that came out of it has been how I seem to really talk Ill of myself and put myself down.

The state of my relationship now is in total tatters, I am often called many things, have had doors slammed and rings thrown across the room and it is generally a really toxic environment....When I say names, if it were just simply "your a cheat and a liar" I could live with that but it's been more than that and has been absolutely horrific at times which has been a real challenge to deal with.

I have snapped back and yes have said some nasty shit too in response to these comments however I have made a commitment to myself that this shouldn't happen and am trying to avoid such things recognising that this is not what my BS needs sometimes this doesnt work.

This isn't all day, everyday we have periods of greatness and we are close and affectionate but after having read one of our A related books its evident tht it's just part of the cycle.

Now, this leads to the last week or two, my BS has been telling me how we are done, not that she doesnt think she can do this anymore but physically done. That she cant see a future for us anymore and that she will never trust me and will never be happy. As a result I have tried to be as honest as I can be to her, I have explained to her how I understand, how I recognise that she has every right to walk away and how she has given it her best in trying to fix the marriage which I soooo easily destroyed.

I have even told her that I don't know if I can be 100% honest yet. I know I can be about daily life and my feelings but as so much has been dragged out of me, now there are just no more thoughts swirling in my head about the A.. she just finds it baffling I even say that but honestly the amount of shit I have spewed out my mouth I can't actually sit here and say that I am now cured and honest!!! I want to be clear I am determined to better myself because I am sick of the burden that is carried within and I want to be a better husband for her given all the crap I've put her and my kids through...

I understand her issue mind, she believes I need to give full disclosure and that I am still holding back stuff in my head and she cant get around this belief that there just isnt anything left.

Anyway last night I told her how I am struggling with this all, how I dont know if I can do this because we are at each others throats and it's becoming horrific. This following another argument about how she cant do this etc...I believe I am being honest to her which is fair and what she has asked me to do, she seems to believe however that this is a sense of abandonment and that I'm not fighting for her (I did leave during her during the A!!)

So to my question, what is to be expected as a WS and how do you deal with a BS that says some horrific things and constantly tells you that they are done and not want a relationship with you anymore?? I suspect my BS is at a place where she is too afraid to pull the plug as we have children and a life together but we keep going around in circles right now and there is just no progress...

[This message restored by Webmaster at 10:16 AM, Sunday, November 26th]

[This message edited by Tinytim1980 at 2:00 PM, Sunday, November 19th]

Hi Tinytim,

This thread will likely be moved to General. There, you will get some responses--likely from both WS and BS.

The Reconciliation forum is for betrayed spouses to post.

Best wishes to you as you face tough decisions.

Why do you think you don’t want to fight for your marriage? If you think this behavior from her is all a fairly reasonable response, albeit toxic, to the extreme emotional abuse of an A followed by intense and extensive lying. Then you know why she is acting like this. It does in fact sound like you want to abandon her. Maybe be honest with yourself about that. And then….ask yourself why you want to abandon her. Cuz it sounds like you do.

This is the description of the R forum:

A wonderful place to share your struggles, success stories, and triggers while trying to reconcile. There is to be no name calling in this forum. Venting is to be limited to you and/or your partner. Please post respectfully and constructively keeping in mind the goal for this forum is to reconcile. It's a long road, but you can do it!

In other words, both BSes and WSes are free to open threads and respond to threads in the Reconciliation forum, because all of us can go through 'struggles, success stories, and triggers while trying to reconcile.'

And Tinytim, whatever any of us writes can upset someone. Infidelity is traumatic.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:03 PM, Sunday, November 19th]

I don't know what you wrote, but I've read your other posts.

I will say this..your wife is hurting because of your choices. She is in this position because of your choices. You put her on this emotional roller-coaster. If you aren't prepared to buckle up,and ride it with her, then respect her enough to let her go.

Reconciliation is hard work. Damn hard. If you aren't up to it..then go. It's the kindest thing to do.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:30 PM, Sunday, November 19th]

Often the best option is simply to put everything on the table and then you both decide the next steps.
In your instance it’s clear you are realizing the damage of your actions, and more specifically the damage of trickle-truth. IMHO about all you can do is ask your wife to sit down and then tell her everything. A detailed timeline, what you have done, why you think you did it, what your thought-process was at the time and so on. No holds barred, nothing left unturned. You are allowed to acknowledge that what you thought at the time makes no sense to you now, but this isn’t an attempt to understand or excuse. It’s an attempt to let her know what she’s either recovering or escaping from.
You can tell her what you are doing to prevent repeats. Hopefully IC, hopefully changes in your actions and behaviors.
You can also tell her what you want. Like you want this relationship.

You then answer each and every question she asks. You make it clear that she can ask for reaffirmation, more details and anything she needs while she is trying to see if you are believable or not.

You might give her some time to decide what SHE wants.

But… At some point. Like maybe 72 hours after the sit-down… You both tell each other you want to reconcile OR one or both tells the other you want to separate. No ifs and doubts…
Yes – your wife is there because of your actions, but at some point she has to decide where she wants to be.

And friend – If she tells you this is too much and she wants out…
YOU RESPECT IT.

You don’t promise change and try to convince her otherwise. You simply start the process of terminating this relationship. No animosity, no pain-intensifying. But simply raise your hand and acknowledge that your actions made her lose all belief in your future.

If however she tells you she wants to reconcile… You two have to decide how you are going to go about that… Like you two decide that you will go to MC and make the appointment. You tell each other what you need for the first steps. You tell each other what your dream is, even though you neither have a clue how to get there…