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Grief sure has a weird way of bringing things up. My precious sister passed away recently ...and I have been dealing with a lot of feelings since the funeral. This year has been a rough year for me with the loss of more loved ones than in previous years. I can certainly understand this being a fact that comes about by being an older adult. My sister's death has been the hardest thus far though . I have lost other siblings...but she and I were very close and it...well...it HURTS .

One day recently I realized this was A season...and Dday...from my 1st M. I hadn't thought about this for a LONG time...but it sure came back in full force. I was recalling it to my H...and it surprised me how much detail I remembered...even though it had been 41 YEARS since this happened !

I was a bit shocked at how I put myself right back in that moment. It was back when I was doing the "pick me dance"...and it was actually a very humiliating time for me. I didn't see it in the moment...but looking back through the years it was something that I cringed at the thought of. I also believe this was why my "lizard brain" kicked in to protect me when I experienced Dday with my 2nd H. At that Dday...I immediately told my 2nd H that our M was OVER...with NO emotion whatsoever. Lizard brain was a BADASS that day !

Of course...I have to analyze everything ! I started wondering WHY did this thought pop into my head of that Dday so long ago? I haven't had anything to do with my XWH for MANY years...he truly is just someone I used to know. I also dismissed it being the upcoming holiday season because that hasn't been an issue for a LONG while either.

Then I thought about the grief I have been feeling. Even though it was terminal...and I KNOW my sister is not suffering anymore...it is still HARD to not have her here . The sadness has brought about other feelings of sadness that occurred in my life...and there was an awful lot of sadness 41 years ago.

I have often said that trauma doesn't get forgotten. MAN...did that ever come out as TRUTH! But...I can honestly say that the PAIN can go away...at least it did for me. Even though I recalled in vivid detail what happened on that particular night so long ago...it was as if I was reading from a newspaper about an incident that happened. I remembered that I had cried...I remembered that I was very hurt...but I didn't FEEL those things anymore...if that makes sense.

Oddly...during this time of grief...this recollection from 41 years ago has brought me comfort . I FACED that part of my life...recalled every detail...and didn't cringe . I think I got healed from this...and it only took me 41 years. Better late than never !!

My H has been phenomenal though all of this...which reinforces that my decision to R was the RIGHT one in this M! My sister has HELPED me through this...even after her death...which I find comforting . God has as well...like He always does! He said He works for the GOOD of those who LOVE Him...and there was definitely some GOOD that came out of all of this! I will grieve...but I will be comforted. The PAIN does go away...but the LOVE remains .

My precious sister passed away recently

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve also lost my brother post Dday a couple of years ago and I found it very similar, his loss threw me back into trauma reaction and brought everything back including Dday feelings (feeling alone, feeling nobody had my back, feeling I don’t matter).

Luckily, similar to you, WH has been a pillar through it all and we emerged stronger out of it but for a while it felt like I’m back into trauma survival mode.

Hugs to you and I hope the grieving process brings peace.

I'm so sorry for your loss. But, also thank you for sharing how grief stirs up more grief. I so value the input you've given me through these last few years. Thinking of you.

It sounds Iike an abandonment wound. Your sister dying is a form of abandonment even though it was not her choice. (And deepest condolences.) And this opened up that wound and allowed that last little splinter from 41 years ago to leave.

And so lovely to hear that your FWS has been so supportive.

Healing really is wonderful.

Gosh...reading y'alls responses...it means so much...thank y'all for that . This place has always been a place of comfort for me in some of my worst days...and this is no exception.

The word I used for my sister yesterday...precious...it showed up in one of my devotional readings TODAY . It is from Isaiah 43:4...you are precious and honored in my sight.... When I saw that word today...I remembered I had written it somewhere on social media...and it was HERE . I know...some people think this would only be a coincidence...but it happens far too much for it to be JUST a coincidence. And things like this have given me comfort since her death...so please keep them coming God...I really appreciate them!

Luna10...thank you for your kind words . I am sorry for the loss you had from your brother (((HUGS))). It does bring out the true feelings of our spouses during times like these...and I am happy to see that your H helped you through your grieving process as well .

Ladybugmaam...thank you for your thoughtful words . I usually don't post something like this out of caution to stay anonymous. But that very CLEAR recollection...from so many years past...kind of threw me for a loop. Sadly...I am not the only one who is going to be facing the holiday season after recently losing a sister...so there is a little bit of anonymity in that. But there is something that I can attest to that may help someone on here...and I appreciate what you have written .

BearlyBreathing...WOW...I hadn't thought of it like that before. An abandonment wound...very insightful...thank you for that! I didn't give details about everything leading up to Dday with my XWH...but that is EXACTLY what happened...he didn't come home for 2 days right before Dday. I had no idea where he was and very definitely felt abandoned. I am just blown away by how you somehow knew this ! Although I try to stay generic in some of my writings...maybe I am not as cautious as I thought I was ! I guess this is a feeling we ALL have when our WS has an A. But my XWH physically abandoned me and I was so relieved when he came back that I don't believe I ever processed that abandonment feeling until now. Just...WOW.

I didn't think of it as my sister abandoning me either...but I know I told her that I wanted to go FIRST. She didn't listen to me . I KNOW it wasn't her choice...and I am truly comforted that she isn't suffering anymore...but I can understand that there is probably a feeling of abandonment in there somewhere. I just haven't processed it all yet . Again...thank you for this .

W2BHA:
Thank you for your post. It is very positive and recovery-affirming, but with an integration of all the traumas you have processed over time. It is encouraging as others try to make their way…

I related to the old trauma and the abandonment. I was a child whose father had an A. He moved out to live with the AP a couple hours away where he was working at the time. He told us he was coming home. I remember I was so overjoyed that the whole week at school I told all my 4th grade friends that something very special was happening on Friday but I couldn’t tell them what it was. Friday he came home, but without his suitcase. We were distraught and he said he would go back to get it. He left and then went missing that whole weekend. We had no way to find him and it was the saddest weekend. I truly felt abandoned.

I can look at that memory with distance now. Not so my husband « going missing » one evening when it turned out he was out to dinner with his medical assistant. I texted and called everyone because he was hours late getting home. My children were all in the room with me while I was sobbing. Finally he called and stayed on the phone with our 14 year old son who had « taken charge » of the situation of his distraught mom. The truth came out 7 years later that they were hooking up in our family car outside the restaurant they went to.

I hope someday I can have that distance. I like how you said the realization that you can have that sense of equanimity remembering the old trauma is a comforting thought. I’m going to find comfort in that too and hope that one day I can feel the same way about the new trauma.

Godspeed in your journey. I am so sorry about your sister.

Want2BHappyAgain,

Sending my condolences in the loss of your beloved sister. I lost one of my brothers exactly a year ago today and I know I haven't begun to process that all. It's hard, the longer we have had them in our lives, I think. I also believe that trauma flashback you experienced is certainly connected to renewed grief, at the time when we suffer such a loss.

One little example: my other brother passed last month after a long time laying in a stroke rehab facility. We had been estranged for a decade since our father's illness and death and I wanted as little to do with his whole deathbed scene as possible, after he'd sent our father to the hospital to die alone without informing us until he needed money to dispose of the body, so I didn't visit this brother before he was taken off life support.

Yet one day, less than a week after his death, as I was randomly working in the house, I distinctly recall 'hearing' a voice from my childhood crooning baby talk to an infant, and the memory was of her playing with a baby's toes as she made the baby giggle. Her 'voice' I recognized as belonging to a great aunt from my mother's side, who lived many states away and who we never saw again after I was 13 years old. I had to think for a minute to whom she would have been crooning; I believe it was this brother, who at that time would have been an infant, and I'd have been under 2 years old...I'm 72 now. What a long-buried experiential memory, to just pop up like that! And I wasn't consciously grieving, but it's all connected.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious sister.

My only sister is much older and not well. I recently pointed out to my infirm WH that my sister has been true and constant every day of my life, (thus implying by comparison that he has not). His needs do not replace her needs so I might be stretched a little thin. But in WH's defense, despite all his sins, he has been very warm and helpful toward my family, especially my sister, for many years. It is a huge plus in his favor as I struggle with the knowledge of his infidelity.

I've not told my sister of WH's unfaithfulness, and I hate that I have kept this secret from her, but she doesn't need to take on any more problems. In the past she would have just known something was wrong and asked. It's a sign I am just one step closer to losing her.

Want2BeHappy, again my deepest condolences.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious sister.

My only sister is much older and not well. I recently pointed out to my infirm WH that my sister has been true and constant every day of my life, (thus implying by comparison that he has not). His needs do not replace her needs so I might be stretched a little thin. But in WH's defense, despite all his sins, he has been very warm and helpful toward my family, especially my sister, for many years. It is a huge plus in his favor as I struggle with the knowledge of his infidelity.

I've not told my sister of WH's unfaithfulness, and I hate that I have kept this secret from her, but she doesn't need to take on any more problems. In the past she would have just known something was wrong and asked. It's a sign I am just one step closer to losing her.

Want2BeHappy, again my deepest condolences.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Very sorry for your loss.

I’m sorry for your loss. Thankfully we have our lizard brain standing watch. One thing I learned here on SI, specifically from you, is triggers are not always a bad thing. It’s a warning bell it causes us to look at what it’s telling us and maybe we just cancel the alarm and move on or we dig into and process what it’s telling us.

Triggers are like the damn smoke alarm. I hate it going off when I’m cooking, but I’m thankful it’s there in the middle of the night standing watch.

Big hugs for you, W2BHA.