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Your resentments sound like you’re doing things "for her" rather than for yourself which will only keep building more resentments.

I loved Maise’s whole post of course but I stole this snippet to pose something to you.

It’s the doing all this "for her" talk.

First of all this in itself is a fallacy. You wouldn’t be trying to do this "for her" if it wasn’t because she is who you want.

You want to be allowed to stay married to her. And even that isn’t enough to quell the unfairness you feel/felt (I realize this post is a few months old)

I personally think recognizing we change for ourselves can be a powerful thought.

You want to be the type of man that deserves your wife. You haven’t lived up to that. And it’s hard work to get from the shameful, worthless feelings into stepping into your power.

You don’t think you can be that on some level, so then instead of recognizing the vulnerable feelings, you get angry with her. You are shielding all the vulnerable feelings with these stronger feelings such as anger because somewhere down the line you learned vulnerability is weak. Your pride is in the way of becoming the man you could be.

Somehow you need to change the narrative. Admitting you are not where you want to be. Fear of never getting there. These are the things you are actually angry about, but you make your wife the scapegoat in your war with yourself.

Maybe there has been movement in these areas but I am still responding this way because I don’t think you still see it.

A strong man loves and protects his wife. You have this image that a strong man protects himself. Think about what things have taught you that. Think about how those ideas aren’t serving you. And then become mindful of your self talk. Keep correcting your flawed thinking until you have programmed new responses to it.

All that is happening here is you are clinging to thoughts and beliefs that do not serve you and not relating it to how that comes out in your behaviors. Change your perspective of strong, of becoming the man you want to be, so you can be in the marriage you want to be in. Recognize the ways you believe that could make your life better. Be thankful each day over the little things. Before you know it your behaviors will match your new way of thinking.

It’s hard work being mindful of the ways we need to change. But if instead we frame it with where we want to be and we have distinctly compelling reasons why we want that, it’s not as hard to make our thoughts line up with our desires. Become intentional each day. Before long you will find that you like yourself better. And when you don’t hate yourseld, you will find so much more space to make the amends and be who your wife needs.

Remove the framing in which you don’t have choices. Because you have lots of choices. Your wife isn’t holding you back, you are. The truth is you want this marriage and its possible benefits, but you don’t want to give the vulnerability to be in it. Work on removing the fears of that vulnerability, because that is the way.

And I will leave with the book recommendation I make to everyone who is wallowing in shame: rising strong by brene brown. You need to read this book and start practicing your bravery as a result.

Remove the framing in which you don’t have choices. Because you have lots of choices. Your wife isn’t holding you back, you are. The truth is you want this marriage and its possible benefits, but you don’t want to give the vulnerability to be in it. Work on removing the fears of that vulnerability, because that is the way.

I am not sure our friend Bulcy doesn't want vulnerability. I believe he resents his wife because she "spoiled" his cake, so he feels guilty about the cake he enjoyed so much.

As someone highlighted he is blaming her for the choices it is clear he had to make if he wanted his marriage to survive. He wouldn't have made those choices because he enjoyed the extras coming into his life from the affair and his wife has been the "ugly monster" who reminded him of his responsibilities, so instead of being angry at himself for the WRONG choices he made, he prefers (or preferred if things have changed) to channel his anger towards his wife. The problem is not HER, though.

When you are in a relationship that was born as an exclusive relationship you committed to protecting it and he saw the benefits FOR HIM ONLY of letting an enemy of the couple in. And selfishly he does not want to let go of his benefits.

I found compassion for him, tried to understand how lost and upset he was when he cheated. I found a pretty super human ability to still channel compassion he did not deserve. I likened it to understanding binge eating on cheap generic Oreo type cookies. Like not even the good Oreos. I likened his affair to shoving cheap stale Oreos down my throat when I’m upset. Equally self destructive, feels good in the moment, and you feel dirty and sick afterwards.

I showed him grace and compassion when he chose to cheat.

He owes me more than his paltry effort he was showing. After this long, and all the work I’ve done to not find his ass with my boot, he owes me compassion and grace. At least as much as I gave him. If not way more.

3yrsout

How do you think he heard you? What did he do to show you he heard you? Because I know cheaters are selectively deaf. I found often myself speaking to my husband thinking it was a dialogue but often it was a monologue, he was not prepared to listen. He is not a very verbal person and I thought things were just sinking in, but they weren't, he was simply dodging them mentally.

I am sure the change I gave my husband to fix things between us and my chance to not kick him in the ass has been the greatest love gift he has ever received in his life, but does not seem to realise that. In the past he only received abandonment from making mistakes. This time he didn't but he doesn't seem to realise what a blessing that was.

I also showed him compassion for cheating, I di not judge him, I showed him clearly how much pain his choice has brought to me, but he seems not to fully understand the extent of the damage.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 7:04 PM, Thursday, April 4th]

I am not sure our friend Bulcy doesn't want vulnerability.

I would say Bulcy wants CONNECTION not really vulnerability. He is holding back his vulnerability, that’s why it’s safe to say he doesn’t want to give it for some reason. But you can’t have connection without vulnerability.

He learned somewhere along the line being a man means being strong and vulnerability is weak.

I have been reading and responding to him a long time. His internal programming has long derailed his desires. I think it’s helpful for him to reimagine what being strong really means.

If someone is defensive it’s the exact opposite of vulnerability. He doesn’t want to give it for some (probably many) reason(s).

But you can’t have connection without vulnerability.

I agree 100%!!

I feel that some of my past "resentment" was because I had not accepted the need to change. I did not want to change, I was doing things kinda "for her" but more to try and make this all go away. Do some work, put a few boundaries in place and all will be well. This of course did not work. I was not happy at my attempts being seen as "half arsed" or without true remorse. I got angry at this, why? because it was true.

I read on here that in order to save the marriage I had to heal myself, I latched onto this as stared a campaign of "focus on Bulcy" and ignore everything else, this too, did not work (of course). I stumbled through years of wasted effort trying to find a way to make everything go away. Still resenting BS whenever she brought up my lack of real progress. I saw and felt changes in me, but small and not was was required. More resentment flowed from this as I was frustrated at my changes not being seen or appreciated. Once again I was wrong and chose to throw any frustration the way of BS.

I think now the changes I'm making are for us. I need to change and I need to do this for BS and I to have a safe future together. I need to change so I have a safe future. I need to change so BS is safe. I need to think further on vulnerability, sure I have hidden behind anger rather than show BS the true me. What I need to be comfortable with is that I'm not latching onto things being said and saying "Yeah, that's me!" and ending my thoughts there. As with everything, there are layers and these need to be peeled back.

I did start reading Rising Strong a while back, but was not in the right place to appreciate it. I still have it, so will try again.

Connection is an interesting observation, it is something BS and I crave. Both physical and emotional connection. I see that this cannot come truly without that vulnerability. A wall that needs to be broken down some more. I certainly would have said a few months ago that I was being more vulnerable, and this would be true, but more vulnerable is not showing true vulnerability. I guess its like a violent criminal being "less punchy", still violent, but less so. That's not good enough.

Thank you for your continued replies

[This message edited by Bulcy at 9:32 PM, Tuesday, April 9th]

Oh I totally understand Bulcy. The concepts we grasp on to grow because we are paying attention to it, where as in the past we were essentially sleepwalking.

I saw a very good video the other day where the person put a clear glass and filled it with black coffee. She put it under a faucet and state red adding water and wrote "this is what healing is like" and you kind of expect the water to take over quicker, but instead you watch it ever slowly change from dark to a little less dark for a while. It then starts looking a little clearer, still brown but you can see a little through it, and it keeps getting lighter and lighter over time until it’s finally clear water. I think this is true. I can’t tell you how many times I thought I was there, only to learn and grow and see I was just at the beginning when I first thought I had the concept down.

That is exactly what it’s like, a long, slow, deepening in understanding. And likely it’s mastered far later than when the concept was first recognized and understood.

S

I feel that some of my past "resentment" was because I had not accepted the need to change. I did not want to change, I was doing things kinda "for her" but more to try and make this all go away. Do some work, put a few boundaries in place and all will be well. This of course did not work. I was not happy at my attempts being seen as "half arsed" or without true remorse. I got angry at this, why? because it was true.

Bulcy how long did it take you to get there? Do you realise you are VERY VERY LUCKY your BS has been there for you and for her and for the marriage without quitting? ♥️ She really coild have gone…

It was not granted that she would be so patient. I am at a point in my life that I don’t know if I want to continue to wait. As someone said when there is need of reconciliation it cannot be only one do all the work. 100% needs to be avhieved adding up two people’s work and often a BS tends to do too much qork. The truth is it is MAINLY the WS who needs to fix things because THEY NEARLY DESTROYED DECADES OF RELATIONSHIP AND NEARLY WIPED OUT THE BS.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 12:13 AM, Wednesday, April 10th]

I do appreciate this, I've not in the past though. It's upsetting thinking back on my behaviour while not doing the work. How BS has stood by me despite all my awful behaviour. I've shown nothing but contempt for her and us. I need to be the one showing I'm in this, just being here is not enough. I've seen the work BS has done as an attack on me, not a way of trying to help me.

Bulcy

What has been the trigger that made you realise all the things you have described? How long did that take you to realise YOU needed to make some changes? Is there anything that could have made you get there any sooner?

Why do you think your wife has stayed by your side all this time despite your clear need for changes that weren’t happening?

[This message edited by Fantastic at 7:20 PM, Thursday, April 11th]

What has been the trigger that made you realise all the things you have described?

Years of shitty behaviour, multiple arguments, abusive behaviour, several times of running away, more d-days that I can count, shame spiralling, seeing how my BS has changed from the person I met to the person I broke with my behaviour, I could list more. I've known this for years, I chose to not see it, to not acknowledge it. Then and only then have I even accepted the need to take responsibility for it. I cannot emphasise enough how awful I've been over the years and how this really is a new passage, one which is not proven yet. I am a very long way from being a former WS. What I write is something I should have done YEARS ago. I am determined to keep progressing. I have a new IC and a separate counsellor working through CBT and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) ACT I've had one session on. All new and I have to keep myself focussed and activate new behaviours. So, in short. Too many acts of shitty behaviour.

How long did that take you to realise YOU needed to make some changes?

Since 2017. For such a long time I kid myself I was making positive changes to me and my behaviour. Hey, I was right?!!? I was not longer actively involved with other women, I was errrrrr doing my time line (no, that was all bullshit), I was putting up boundaries...Well some, but not enough, I was being more open and honest (errr, maybe more open and honest, but still telling lies and hiding) Again its like a burglar only committing 4 burglaries this week rather than 6 last week. Still not doing the right thing. You get the picture. I did some things that were needed. Most of these things were my interpretation of what was needed and they were done half assed at best. Other things were genuine good behavioural changes. BUT when I was not given a fanfare with 1,000 trumpets I reverted back to shitty choices. So realisation is an interesting things. Maybe I can say I knew for years but realised I actually had to do the things I know, VERY recently. This is still something I need to do. I've a number of changes that need to be made and a lot of work that needs to be done.

Is there anything that could have made you get there any sooner?

Tough. I honestly don't know. my BS, reading SI, IC, MC, talking to people, reading books and everything I did made no difference. I had to break and I need to keep breaking. I have no idea what could have happened to break me sooner. (This is a good break, I mean break the old me and grow into a new version)

Why do you think your wife has stayed by your side all this time despite your clear need for changes that weren’t happening?

She loves me with every ounce of her being. Nothing else would be strong enough for her to endure what I've put her through. Just thinking on this has brought a flood of emotion over me. I hope she sees something in me to keep her faith, I know some days she does.

Bulcy, glad to see you are really digging in and finally progressing. My wife is where you were. Minimalistic in her approach to R. I stick with her because I see the better her underneath the surface, but like so many BS’s, ther is a time limit to getting to the point of work. I’m a week past 3 years and the struggles are very real for me. I just can’t figure out why she refuses to be there, work on herself, make a noticeable amount of effort. I will try everything I can think of to help her through this, but the hour glass is running low. I just want the pain and the stress to end, and if that means moving on then that’s what will have to happen, and I hate that that is my only option left.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 11:43 PM, Thursday, April 11th]

I just want the pain and the stress to end, and if that means moving on then that’s what will have to happen, and I hate that that is my only option left. sad

Sometimes I wonder why there is so much resistance by the WS to do the chnage they know is needed.

Sometimes I wonder if they don’t do it so that WE, the hurt BS, will end the relationship because they don’t dare do it, but that is what they really and truly want.

They are so unable to be honest that they continue to fake they can’t make the changes, so that we will make the decision they want but don’t want the responsibility of.

Any wayward spouse who can confirm this?

I just want the pain and the stress to end, and if that means moving on then that’s what will have to happen, and I hate that that is my only option left. sad

Sometimes I wonder why there is so much resistance by the WS to do the chnage they know is needed.

Sometimes I wonder if they don’t do it so that WE, the hurt BS, will end the relationship because they don’t dare do it, but that is what they really and truly want.

They are so unable to be honest that they continue to fake they can’t make the changes, so that we will make the decision they want but don’t want the responsibility of.

Any wayward spouse who can confirm this?